Relevant Podcast Meets the Pocket Guides

If you're a regular subscriber to the popular Relevant Podcast produced by my friends at Relevant Magazine, you know that it's a rambling (and very funny) mishmash of pop culture news, religious musings, warnings about the coming Chimpocalypse, and other fun inanity. Or inane funity. One of those.

What you may not know is that I -- and the Pocket Guides -- get to mastermind a big chunk of this week's podcast. Instead of a straight-up "tell me about your books" interview, we decided to let me put together a Pocket Guide quiz for Cameron, Maya, Adam, and Tyler. I asked the questions and they attempted to answer them, to everyone's great amusement.

Questions and topics of discussion in my 25-minute segment include the following:

• the disembodied head of St. Denis
• how St. Erasmus is like Steven Seagal
• jackhammers from the future
• bees
• Macauley Culkin
• killer catfish
• predictions of your impending demise
• near-death experiences
• regular death experiences
• pistachios
• demonic influence upon Bible translators
• a terrifyingly large peacock head
• my life's purpose

...among other things. Clearly you should listen to it.

Subscribe at iTunes or download/stream it here. There's about 30 minutes of stuff before I show up, but it's good stuff. Skip it at your own risk.

Reader Fill-in-the-Blank

This week's posts have been fairly deep, theological, and long. So today I'm doing something short and mindless. So mindless, in fact, that I completely stole this idea from Bryan Allain's blog. Because it's a cool idea. Thanks, Bryan.

Unless you stole it from someone else, in which case: Thanks, Anonymous Victim of Blog Theft.

Let's get to know each other, shall we? Here are five fill-in-the-blank questions for you. Be honest, be creative, and post your answers in the comments.

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1) The most vivid dream I ever had involved _____________.

2) If I had to move more than 500 miles away, I would move to _____________ because _____________.

3) If there's one thing I can't stand, it's when ________________.

4) If I could do anything else for a living and make the same money I'm making now, it would be ______________.

5) That shameless shill Jason Boyett's Pocket Guide books are _____________.

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You can read my answers to these questions in the first comment...

Interview with a Real, Live Atheist (Part 2)

Here's the rest of my interview with Dromedary Hump, author of the Atheist Camel Chronicles and the guy behind Eternal Earthbound Pets, a very real business that promises to care for your dog or cat or fish or birds should you be raptured. (As avowed atheists, the pet-minders with EEP figure they will definitely be left behind in a post-rapture world...because someone's got to feed little Buster, right?)

Read my earlier thoughts on Eternal Earthbound Pets.

Read Part 1 of this interview, in which we talked about atheists in foxholes, misconceptions about the godless, and the business of self-publishing.

In Part 2 below, we discuss the "Rule of Reciprocity," and what it really means to provide "peace of mind," and whether or not Christian premillennialists are no better than jihadists. Oy.

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Jason: How did the idea for Eternal Earthbound Pets come about? How long have you been in business?

Dromedary Hump: Started it in late June, coincidentally, right after my book came out. My partner in the website emailed me a site from the UK which offered a similar service. He thought it was funny. I thought it was a gold mine opportunity. We have wayyy more fundie/evangelical rapture believers here than the UK.

So, I wrote all the copy for the site, recruited people I know to be atheists -- acquaintances of mine -- to be pet rescuers. The rest is history. We were amazed at the international publicity it has received. I've done interviews with radio stations here in the US, web news services in Australia, the Huffington Post, and newspapers.

How many pets are currently in your (potential) care?

Sorry, Jason...we don't divulge financial info. We keep all proprietary info about our business confidential. Let it be said we have service contracts active.

As I mentioned on my blog post, it seems to me that the real service you're providing is peace of mind for your clients. I'm guessing you don't have any intent of actually having to care for pets post-rapture. Is that an accurate statement to make? How do you respond to the criticism that you're getting paid for a service you won't have to perform?

Yes, we are selling peace of mind...insurance as it were. While we have the cadre to execute the rescues should the rapture occur -- which is why we are only active in the 20 states where we have confirmed atheists, known to me as reliable atheist pet rescuers and animal lovers -- [the answer is] NO, we do not expect to ever have to execute those rescue contracts.

But insurance companies sell insurance to people with the expectation that they will never have to perform/payout to the majority of their policy holders. If they did have to, there would be no motive for them to exist. The fact that we estimate the likelihood of god, gods, or rapture being real and that we'd have to execute our contracts to be a probability of 1 in 100 million doesn't negate the validity of our offering. It's not our belief that’s important, it's the belief of our clients.

In your Eternal Earthbound Pets FAQs, you mention your endorsement of the "Rule of Reciprocity," which Christians know as the Golden Rule. How does your business arrangement fit within that Rule?

It was simply explaining that "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" isn't peculiar to the Judeo-Christian ethic. It is embraced by religions and philosophies that both preceded and followed the Abrahamic god. It doesn’t relate to our business per se, just a confirmation of our atheists' internalization of a principle and basic standards of ethics we all share...believer and non-believer alike.

I guess the direction I was headed with that question regarded what I see as a potential critique of your business model: that you are making an easy buck by taking advantage of someone's fears. Yes, this is definitely the life insurance approach, offering peace of mind in hopes that you won't ever have to execute the agreement. However, the death rate for humans is 100 percent. You calculate the potential for the rapture occurring at a 00.0000001 percent chance. From your perspective, isn't this sort of like (to pick an off-the-wall, non-religious example) asking an insane person to pay you $110 so you'll protect him from the flying purple cheese monster? He gets peace of mind because he truly believes the cheese monster exists and is after him, but of course you know otherwise. You just get money for nothing. In my opinion, that conflicts with the Rule of Reciprocity. Your thoughts?

Jason, good challenge. First, I didn't invent the rapture. It was implied by scripture and then reworked by 19th century Christians. One has the option of accepting those stories in the Book of Daniel and Revelation, and subsequent embellished interpretations of them, as either real things that are bound to happen or the ravings of lunatic cultists. I opt for the latter.

If you are equating believers in the rapture to "insane people" then yes... I would be taking advantage of the mentally incompetent, it would be wrong. But I don't think you want to make that statement.

[Note from Jason: Well, no, I certainly didn't want to imply that rapture-believers are insane. Just trying to come up with a metaphor unconnected to religion. I'll admit the flying purple cheese monster comparison is a bad one. Anyway...]

Thus your example of the insane person buying protection from a purple monster is not a good one. I view believers of the rapture pretty much like any believers who take things on faith. They aren't insane; they are usually capable of running their lives, making decisions on their own, dealing with daily trials and tribulations, making judgments, etc. I treat them as adults capable of making their own determinations in life. To that extent I am treating those people exactly how I would like to be treated. That I believe they have been mislead, are naïve about what scripture is and why it was written... that they are pawns of a mind virus that has pervaded men's minds for thousands of years is 100% true.

But I will not afford them "victim status." They have choices. They made them. I am servicing their need, a need that has been artificially created by nonsensical ancient writings, that has been fostered by the church for 1700 years. The genesis of any "scam" one may perceive of my service isn't with my service. It's with the scam of religious teachings. Religion itself makes my "scam" (if one wishes to define it as such) pale in comparison.

I think it's always healthy for Christians occasionally to look at our faith and traditions from an outside perspective. What is your opinion about our cultural fascination with the Rapture and the End Times?

Well, what scares the hell out of me are the "Christian Zionists," those people who warn against anyone seeking to bring peace to the Middle East as being the "anti-Christ"; people who support Israel not because they love Jews, but because getting them to rebuild the Temple is a harbinger of the second coming. They see this as helping support a prophesy that will bring the end times. The fact is it's nonsense and delusion yet here they are trying to instigate Israel's destruction of the Dome of the Rock mosque which stands upon the Temple ruins. It's a recipe for death and disaster which we should have had enough of in that region by now. These people fuel unrest, hatred, and continued violence in a volatile area. I see anyone who embraces this concept as dangerous, or more dangerous than Islamic fundamentalist jihadists. There is this --

Wait a second. I agree that such a mindset among Christians is pretty ridiculous -- as if Jesus waiting for us to engineer something in the Middle East so he can come back -- and certainly a roadblock to Middle East peace. Any attempt to delay peace in that region, in my mind, goes against the clear teachings of Jesus.

But I can't say such people are "as dangerous or more dangerous" than jihadists. I don't know any Christian End-Times fanatics who would ever kill anyone in support of those beliefs, especially the killing-innocents-by-suicide-bomber approach. I would condemn them just like many Muslims condemn the jihadists. Again, seems like a bit of a straw-man condemnation.

Google "George W. Bush Gog and Magog." Start with this result. Then read them all. After that, tell me again how Christian fanaticism about End Times prophesy, this religious delusion, Bush's buy-on to end times, didn't shape his decision making in the Middle East. He was doing "God's will' and with God's blessing he sent 3,000+ young American soldiers to their deaths in Iraq for no reason. He is not an isolated example.

There are others who think this way. Some of them are in positions of power, others are influenced by Christian ministries who's PAC groups put pressure on them. Jihadists in every sense of the word. I encourage you to read Rev Lynn's book: Piety and Politics, and Peter Irons' "God on Trial." There's some genuinely scary stuff out there among the religiously afflicted. We should all be concerned.

Let's agree to disagree on equating fundamentalists with pro-Israel, end-times beliefs with Islamic jihadists. I still think that's too extreme of a comparison. Also, I don't have time to read all those Google hits. Anyway, I interrupted you. You were saying?

There is this fatalistic mentality that the end times [hysteria] promotes. Why worry about the environment or global warming when its "all part of god's plan" and "the rapture will happen before then anyway"? It's counter-productive to civilization and a sick and despicable mindset, stemming from ignorance, fed by scripture written by ancient, possibly psychotic cultists, and interpreted and embraced by unthinking adherents to fable.

This is the 21st century. People locked into bronze-aged thru 3rd century prophesy and myth -- originally intended to manipulate and control the early adherents -- are as much throwbacks as are people who today sacrifice chickens to their god/gods. Only thing is, these end-times believers and Christian Zionist activists are dangerous to humanity, our planet, our survival. The chicken killing religionists are only dangerous to chicken.

Other than no longer sacrificing chickens, what is one thing Christians are doing right?

Those who use their personal belief for good and to aid their fellow man WITHOUT proselytizing and expecting belief in return exemplify what their religious figurehead stood for. I respect, admire, and appreciate that. Albeit, the "Rule of Reciprocity" should be part of all of our lives and doesn’t necessitate belief in magic/supernaturalism/divine beings/reward and punishment to do those things.

What is one thing Christians need to do better?

That’s not for me to say.

But I do wish Christians could separate their personal beliefs that they embrace and practice in their own lives from having this need to force those beliefs -- their interpretation of biblical expectations for behavior -- on others in our schools, and into our laws.

I don't care what people believe until it is forced on me, truncates my freedom, or the freedoms of others who don’t share their scripturally interpreted perspective/belief. They have no more right than do Hindus, Muslims, or Wiccans to insist their doctrine, their beliefs and their interpretations of divine will be codified by law and forced upon everyone.

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Thanks, Bart, for the discussion and your openness to address a challenge or two to your business model. Thanks also for your willingness to take care of our pets. Anyway, I've enjoyed the friendly dialogue.

Now, comment away. I haven't asked Bart this, but I imagine if you ask a question or two of him, there's a chance he'll jump in and respond. Again, keep it civil and friendly. No name-calling. Don't be a jerk or I'll let loose the flying purple cheese monster on you.

Interview with a Real, Live Atheist! (Part 1)

Last week I posted a snarky bit about Eternal Earthbound Pets, an atheist-owned business that promises (for a reasonable fee) to care for your pets should they be left behind if/when you are raptured. The whole thing struck me as funny on multiple levels, from the potential for human clients to hope their atheist future pet-minders don't get saved, to the atheist business owners accepting money for a service they don't believe they'll ever have to provide.

But I was also intrigued, because the guy behind the business seemed friendly, was a self-published author, and commented on my blog post. His first name is Bart, he's known by the psuedonym Dromedary Hump, and he's perfectly nice and not an evil godless communist or anything! (Except for, well, the "godless" part.) So I got in touch with Bart and asked him if I could interview him about his business and his beliefs, or lack thereof. Thought it would be really interesting.

It was.

I'm going to post the interview in two parts, just because our email discussion ranged longer than a typical blog post should. Enjoy.

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JB: Tell me a little about yourself. Your blog states that you're retired. What are you retired from?

Dromedary Hump: Senior VP of Internet & Catalog Sales Operations for the country's largest upscale department store chain. Retired at 55. Vietnam vet. "Atheist in a foxhole."

Wait. I thought there were "no atheists in foxholes." Are you claiming that famous aphorism to be inaccurate? There has been at least one atheist in a foxhole?

Yes, and there are many more of us. In fact, Google "atheist in a foxhole" and you'll find groups of veterans who fall under that category. President George H.W. Bush's characterization of atheists as "not patriotic and probably not American" was a slap in the face to every non-believer who ever served his country. I was tempted by that statement to send in my Bronze Star, Army Commendation medal, and Combat Infantryman's Badge when he said that...but I was too proud of my service to let a mindless comment from a religious fanatic permit me to overreact.

Religious people often have a testimony, which explains how they came to faith. Do you have a story behind your atheism? Were you raised a non-believer?

My folks were non-practicing Jews. Perhaps "Jewish Lite" would be a better description. I dismissed Santa Claus and God, etc., at a very early age, but didn’t realize the name of it was "atheism" until I was 19.

What misconceptions have you found Christians or other believers have about atheists?

That we are immoral or unethical because of not believing in myth and superstition that has no basis in reality; that we are not bound by the morality and behaviors that have evolved to produce our society that started way before the Judeo-Christian ethic.

Morality and ethics were necessary elements to building societies/civilization from the earliest times. The reality that killing your neighbor may well get you killed, thus is to be avoided, was a basic and simple concept for societal survival that didn't require a super being to dictate.

I remind [Christians] that their "god" never outlawed or spoke against the inhumanity of slavery, seemed to have many instances of encouraging genocide, killed children for their immature teasing of a prophet, demanded a woman's hand be cut off if she touched the genitals of her husband's attacker while helping her husband, and encouraged not "suffering a witch to live." Christians endorsed the killing of "witches" right into the 18th century. They endorsed slavery as a norm for eons and right up through the 19th century (at least in America). "God" never rewrote a position paper...man did.

As a moral person I disdain those things, along with the immoral acts of Christians who claim to be acting on behalf of their God's wishes... you know, killing abortion doctors, intruding into the life and death wishes of others, condemning homosexuals to a second-class citizenship, justifying war in the name of Biblical precedence and "God's divine will." I see those as immoral acts. Their "belief" hasn't influenced their behavior for the better.

Of course, as a Christian, I disdain these things, too. Lots of Christians, including me, struggle with the violence and weird stories/laws of the Old Testament. And I personally can't think of anyone I know who thinks killing abortion doctors is anything but evil, or who considers homosexuals to be second-class citizens. That's a classic straw man argument. (I could easily base all atheists on the immorality or inhumanity of Stalin and Hitler, and say "see where atheism leads?" but you'd never let me do that.) So I'm guessing there's more to your repudiation of religion than immoral Christians or problems with the Bible. Can you elaborate further? For instance, what led to your childhood dismissal of both Santa Claus AND God?

Jason, you're right. There is a tendency, when atheists decry the "unChristian" like acts of some, to lump all Christians together. It's patently wrong. I don't mean for my perspective to come across that way. Most people I know are believers. They have nothing but my respect and admiration and love for who and what they are as people. They live their faith and like Jesus said...pray in private, don't make a show of their faith, nor force it on others.

Reverend Barry Lynn, Executive Director of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, is a Christian. He happens also to be my hero. I value what he has done to protect the rights and freedoms of all Americans, believers and non-believers, even more so than I respect the "icons" of atheism like Dawkins, Hitchens and Harris, et al.

Sorry to say I have no breakthrough moment that made me a realist/atheist. I know how much Christians love to attribute being an atheist to something like: "If a Christian hurt you at some time, I'm sorry." Or my other favorite Christian platitude: "Why are you angry at God?" Nope, sorry. No Christians hurt me, nor am I any more angry at God than I am at Moby Dick or any other character of fiction.

I was always an avid reader. I guess my Jewish heritage -- which places great value on learning and education -- rubbed off on me, although I reject the absurd laws and rituals and the necessary supernaturalism inherent with Judaism. I always read a lot about history, science, ancient myths, philosophy, comparative religion. With reading comes questioning, knowledge, understanding...and reason.

Martin Luther summed it all up when he said: "Reason is the enemy of faith." I've accepted reason over faith as the only reality since I was in my teens.

Tell me about your book, The Atheist Camel Chronicles.

I have always been a student of religion and history. My degree is in psychology, with a minor in religion. I enjoy debate and commenting on the human condition. My book is a composition of almost two years of online and in-person interactions with believers of all types...liberal through conservative, modernist through fundamentalist, interspersed with some personal anecdotes and observations born of a half-century of experience. It covers the gamut from debunking theist platitudes, exposing the dangers of fundamentalist belief, injustices in the name of religion, the efficacy of prayer... 105 different subjects in 2 to 3-page essays that get to the nitty-gritty of my perspective on religion.

I'm proud that in just two months my book has gone viral on the net, and been touted on major freethinker websites, and roundly received positive reviews on Amazon, and from bloggers internationally. It's been in the top 10 to 40 atheist-themed books on Amazon since its publication in late June (out of 70,000 such books).

It looks like you used Amazon's BookSurge as a publishing partner on the book. I get a lot of questions asking my opinion on self-publishing or going the agent/publisher route. Why did you make the decision to self-publish? Have you been pleased with BookSurge?

Well, I'm a first time author...totally unknown except to my blog followers. I hardly expected publishing houses to come rushing to an unknown and make an investment in me, especially for a niche market kind of book. My wife reminded me that John Grisham, and Beatrix Potter (of Peter Rabbit fame) -- among other famous writers -- had their first books self-published. It encouraged me to make the small investment. It's paid off very well. I'd do it again and would encourage any first-time writer who has some confidence in the value of what they have to say to self-publish. My next book, which I'm planning for 2011, will likely be picked up by a publishing house based on the success of The Atheist Camel Chronicles.

BookSurge was great. Excellent team. They held my hand all the way through and met every time frame and commitment they made.

Your personal blog mentions that your "saintly and much put-upon wife of 39 years" is an Episcopalian. After 39 years, I'm guessing you two have a pretty solid marriage. How does that relationship work? Are there aspects of living with a believer that you find difficult? Or is it more challenging for her to live with a non-believer? How do you deal with those significant differences?

Actually, it's never been an issue. Naturally, my outspoken views sometimes drive her crazy...but its not limited to religion. I'm outspoken on everything. She knows when to turn me off, and how to shut me up. After 39 years and having raised two grown sons together, I doubt we've discussed religion as it relates to our union more than ten times. While she was raised Episcopal, and calls herself that, she's non-practicing. She'd probably classify herself as "Episcopal-agnostic," truth be told.

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Let's stop here. Come back tomorrow for part 2 of the interview, in which we discuss Bart's Eternal Earthbound Pets business, we debate the legitimacy of the service he offers, and he gives his opinion on what Christians are doing right.

A note about comments. Feel free to comment on anything the two of us discuss in this post (and tomorrow's as well) but please keep it civil. I want this to be a friendly, honest discussion. Disagreement with either me or Bart is fine, but don't be a jerk about it. Meanness will not be tolerated.

Thanks.

Discuss: One of the Hardest Questions

It's pretty rare that I ever do a cut-and-paste job here from someone else's blog post. Not sure why, other than the fact that I figure it's my blog, and I should supply the content. But courtesy of @imonk from the Boar's Head Tavern, I clicked over to fellow writer John Shore's blog this morning and really enjoyed this post from over the weekend.

This is John's stuff, not mine, but I'm gonna repost it and hopefully see if any kind of discussion develops. The conversation below hits on a handful of themes from O Me of Little Faith, my upcoming Zondervan book about doubt.

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[from John Shore]

Sitting at Starbucks yesterday I overheard the following exchange between two men I’ll call Bob and Dan. I recount it here not to make any point of my own, but because it perfectly captures the kind of logjam we Christians so often reach when trying to explain our beliefs to non-Christians.

Dan: But that just doesn’t make any sense.

Bob: What doesn’t?

Dan: That the same God who loves me might very well condemn me to hell for all eternity. If he would do that to me, then what God feels for me cannot be love.

Bob: But it is. God loves you enough to let you determine your own fate.

Dan: But at the last minute God could change the fate I’ve chosen for myself if he wanted to. If God really wanted me to be okay after I die, he could choose to send me to heaven instead of hell. Right? He has that power, right?

Bob: Yes. God can do anything.

Dan: Which can only mean that if I end up in hell, that was God’s will. God actively chose that for me. He could have changed it, but he didn’t.

Bob: You chose that fate for yourself by refusing to accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.

Dan: That I made that mistake doesn’t alter the fact that God has chosen to punish me for that mistake by forcing me to spend eternity being physically tortured. And anyone who would choose that for me—who would choose to punish me eternally just for having used the mind and soul he gave me to arrive at a conclusion that displeases him—cannot possible love me. That’s not love. It’s something. It sounds to me like the worst kind of shallow vindictiveness. But it’s certainly not love.

Bob: It’s divine justice.

Dan: Whatever. It’s not love. Look: After I’m dead, God either has the power to send me to heaven instead of hell, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t have that power, then he’s too weak to matter. If he does have the power to send me to heaven instead of hell, and he wills me to go to hell, then he’s without compassion—or at the very least he certainly doesn’t love me. That’s your choice. By your own definition your god is either not all-powerful, or not all-loving. But he can’t be both.

Bob: You’re looking for rational explanations for mysteries that only God comprehends.

Dan: That’s so typical. Whenever Christians run into a simple logical inconsistency that cuts directly to the viability of their entire belief system, they resort to the only “argument” usually left them, which is that we mere mortals can’t possibly understand how and why God works the way he does. At the slightest challenge you absolutely abandon logic. It’s ridiculous—and should be embarrassing to you. If you can’t explain the simplest, most obvious, most terrible contradiction in the qualities you say your God possesses, how in the world to you expect anyone but an idiot to take you or your religion seriously?

Bob: God bless you, man. I fear for your soul.

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"God can either love me, or send me to hell. But not both."

As you might have guessed if you've read Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, I'm fascinated with the subject of hell and how it's been viewed during the last two thousand years of Christianity. I'm also way conflicted by it as a Christian. I honestly don't know how to talk about it or think about it in any logical, intellectually satisfying way. In fact, hell -- the fear of it -- played a huge role in the evolution of my childhood faith, and in a lot of ways gave birth to the spiritual doubt I struggle with today. So the statement above resonates with me on multiple levels.

If any, what role does an eternal hell play in your faith?

Do you identify with Dan? Or with Bob? Do you have a good answer for either? Please share...

Choose Your Favorite Jesus Art

As has been discussed before on this blog, it's hard to make good Jesus art. It's easy to make bad Jesus art. It's also challenging to discuss the goodness or badness of Jesus art, because people get defensive and use phrases like "heart is in the right place" and "to the glory of God" and "maybe Jesus DID have highlights."

But at the risk of starting another art criticism brouhaha, this is a post about Jesus art. Specifically three different images of Christ. I want to know which one is your favorite.

Here are our options:

1. Hugging Jesus



Matthew Paul Turner discussed this image on his blog a few days ago, notably suggesting that maybe it's not a picture of Jesus at all, but rather a drawing of Billy Ray Cyrus hugging his daughter Miley. Could be.

Only Billy Ray's left hand seems to have moved a little too far, um, south...on Miley's back for me to be comfortable. So I guess it must be Jesus.

All I know is this girl from the '80s really is enjoying her hug from Jesus. And apparently Jesus has a giant piece of glitter stuck in his hair.

2. Projected Jesus



I need to get me one of these Bibles, because when you open it -- or at least when your disembodied giant hands open it -- a little projection of Jesus pops up into the clouds. Imagine using this in church.

It reminds me of when R2-D2 projected that image of Princess Leia asking for Obi-Wan's help on Tattooine. Only instead of a cute Alderon princess with a weird hairdo, you get a white, blonde Savior wearing some sort of gauzy poncho over his bathrobe.

And Jesus's outstretched hands seem to indicate that he wants something from me -- maybe a hug? -- but his eyes are weirdly looking off to the side of the image. And he looks annoyed. So I guess he's not inviting Miley in for a squeeze. I'm pretty sure the stretched out hands are him gesturing a mildly irritated "What?" because someone off-camera just said something mean about his gauze poncho. Which sounds a lot like gazpacho. Which is delicious.

3. Jesus, Destroyer of Worlds



If I were an astronaut, and I blasted off into space hoping to be one of the few humans with the incredible opportunity to see the earth from space, and instead I saw this gigantic Jesus spinning the planet around like a kid with a beachball? I would seriously be glad I was wearing one of those NASA space travel diapers. Because, seriously. That would be scary.

Is Jesus supposed to be creating the earth in this picture? Is he spinning it into existence?

Or is he destroying it? Because that looks like fire. Jesus should be careful to keep his sleeve from getting too close to the flame.

Wait -- is this how the End Times will go down? Jesus rotating the Earth so fast it flares up due to the space friction?

And why would a giant space Jesus still be wearing the same 1st-century robe-and-sash? Shouldn't he have on something metallic or shiny? At least a helmet and oxygen tank?

And where are his legs? And why does the size of the planet -- in relation to Jesus -- make me wonder if perhaps he's about to use it as an exercise ball? For some space crunches?

This image fills me with dread and questions.

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So those are our options. Which Jesus image is your favorite? Vote and explain in the comments, or submit your own.

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Related: Some of my (serious) thoughts about Christians and criticism can be found in this article by Scott McClellan from Collide magazine.

Left Behind: What About the Pets?

Having written a book about mankind's obsession with the apocalypse (particularly the evangelical obsession with the rapture and second coming), you might think that I would not be surprised to learn of a weird rapture-related fringe business. Like when William Miller made a bunch of money in the 19th century selling white robes so everyone could be appropriately dressed when Jesus came back. Or like the website that will kindly send an email to your friends and family, post-rapture, to inform them why you will not be showing up for Thanksgiving this year.

But sometimes I really am surprised. And sometimes I am not at all sure whether this is a joke or not.

This is one of those times.

Pocket Guide friend Ken Grant, by way of Tim Stevens' blog, alerted me this week to Eternal Earthbound Pets, a seemingly real business that will take care of your dog and cat (and fish and birds, too) should they be left behind by the rapture.

Oh, my. I hadn't thought of that. But seriously, who will feed Precious once we enter eternal bliss? Would we want our paradise to be marred by thoughts of our little friends scavenging amid the chaotic wasteland we've escaped? Would we want them dodging all those unmanned vehicles with the "In case of rapture..." bumper stickers? No. We want them fed, comforted, and cared for in our absence.

Thank God for atheists. Oh, didn't I mention? The nice folks behind this business are atheists. Which makes perfect sense, because they know for a fact that they will be left behind, post-rapture, seeing how -- according to their FAQ page -- "each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God/Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation."

That's comforting to know that these are admitted atheists but certainly not the bad kind of atheists. They are fully trustworthy, because -- again, from their FAQ -- "being an atheist does not mean we lack morals or ethics. It just means we don't believe in God or gods. All of our representatives are normal folks who love and live for their family, are gainfully employed, and have friends of varying beliefs....We fully endorse the "Rule of Reciprocity," also known as "The Golden Rule." We just happen not to believe in God(s)."

So the nice atheists promise to personally care for raptured Christians' pets in loving homes, as long as these Christians agree to their terms and conditions, sign a contract, and pay them upfront. The cost is $110 for the first pet, with extras for additional pets in the same location. Paypal accepted! Buy now!

But first consider these philosophical questions:

1. By agreeing to this service, Christians will be putting themselves in a position where they have to hope for the eternal damnation of the person in charge of their pet's well-being. Because what if the atheist assigned to your pet finds God, pre- or post-apocalypse? What then? What could be worse than the unexpected rapture of your End Times pet minders? Clearly you should pray against their salvation, for Fido's sake. Right?

2. And sure, these atheists are trustworthy and upstanding citizens who follow the Rule of Reciprocity. But look at it from their perspective. They are asking you to pay them to carry out a theoretical future event that they do not believe will happen. In fact, they have staked their life and faith on the fact that the Rapture will not occur, that the whole belief system behind that idea is a human construct, and that there will be no actual reason for them to take in your dog. Ever. But they are asking you to pay them $110 for the peace of mind you receive via this contract. Which is fine. Providing peace of mind can be a legitimate service. Insurance agencies bet against having to do what they've promised all the time. But the atheists behind this business have no intention of having to fulfill the detailed contract they offer. Right?

So Eternal Earthbound Pets is a moral problem for Christians (based on #1), and an ethical problem for atheists (based on #2).

Which leads me to this conclusion: It is the most brilliant business model ever devised.

If it's real, that is. I'm still not 100 percent sure.

Stupid Fun with Song Lyrics

Sometimes, because I'm a nerd, I amuse myself by listening to song lyrics and replacing the actual words with other words. What I've discovered is that 1) this often makes songs more interesting, and 2) other people do this, too.

Some examples:

Replace the word "you" with a person's name. Like Stu, or Drew, or Hugh.

U2: Sleight of hand and twist of fate/On a bed of nails she makes me wait/And I wait...without Drew (with or without Drew)

Coldplay: Look at the stars / Look how they shine for Hugh

Britney Spears: When I'm not with Stu I lose my mind / Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time

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Replace the word "you" with Stu AND replace the word "me" with Steve.

Britney Spears: When I'm not with Stu I lose my mind / Give me a sign, hit Steve baby one more time

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Replace the word "you" with stew. As in the hearty soup.

Kelly Clarkson: My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without stew

Michael Jackson: I just can't stop loving stew

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Speaking of stew, replace the word "love" with lunch.

John Mayer: Cause if you want lunch / We'll make it

Peter Gabriel: Lunch...I don't like to see so much pain / So much wasted

Haddaway: What is lunch? / Baby don't hurt me/ Don't hurt me no more

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Replace the word "baby" with gravy.

Diana Ross: Gravy love, my gravy love / I need you, oh how I need you / But all you do is treat me bad

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Replace the phrase "polaroid picture" with a pal of Roy Richter.

Outkast: Shake it, shake it like a pal of Roy Richter, shake it, shake it...

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(Granted, there are times I may stretch the game a bit too far.)

This is admittedly a dumb blog post, but I'm guessing you people have some favorite song-lyric word replacements. Please share.

[H/T: Jason Blair for the love/lunch idea.]

Books, Pics and Koozies: Weekend Update

This weekend was a busy but fun one for me. I don't normally include a lot of personal activities on here that aren't related to my writing, but thought this would be a good opportunity to pull back the curtain into the glamorous life of this writer. (First thing you should know: it took me about five tries to spell "glamorous" right.)

Friday Night: Book Signing



I signed copies of the Pocket Guides on Friday night at the local Barnes & Noble. Book signings freak me out, because I've found myself in far too many bookstores where not-very-famous authors are signing copies of their books. And unless your name is Grisham or Koontz or King or you've written books about romantic vampires and werewolves, there's not often a lot of built-in traffic for book signings. You'd be surprised how many people just walk by the table without making eye contact. As in, if I don't look at this sad sack holding a pen, I won't have to pretend to be interested in this book I haven't heard about and don't care about.

The author's book-signing table can be a very lonely place.

So when I have a book signing, I make sure to invite 1) pretty much everyone I know 2) using every means of social media available. Primarily so no one sees me weeping into my Pocket Guides because no one wants me to sign any Pocket Guides. Having done so on Friday, I had a pretty steady crowd of Amarillo friends and family stopping by the local Barnes & Noble to buy books. Business was brisk from 7 to 9 pm, including some people I didn't know at all who ended up buying books. (Always good.)

I even got pretty good with my sales patter. On multiple occasions someone asked me which of my three books I liked the best. Most authors are contractually bound to say, "I can't choose a favorite. That's like asking which of my kids is my favorite." But my answer was as follows: Pocket Guide to the Afterlife is probably the most entertaining and interesting when it comes to new subject matter. Pocket Guide to the Bible is the best one for learning useful information, especially if you're interested in the Bible. And Pocket Guide to Sainthood was pretty much my favorite book to write, because the subject matter was so fascinating. But they're all funny.

Let me tell you: my inability to choose a favorite was a brilliant display of wishy-washyness. Because by I explained myself by advocating on behalf of all three books, thereby compelling my friends and family to buy...all three books. Instead of one. Genius!

Then again, maybe they bought all three books because they are my friends and family and they love me. Anyway, thanks friends and family.

Saturday Morning: Free Portrait Day



I've mentioned before that my brother operates an inner-city ministry in Amarillo called Mission 2540. He works with a lot of kids and their families in apartment complexes. He's noticed that most of these families -- which are often large and generationally mixed -- rarely have any family pictures anywhere in their homes. What if we brought in a professional photographer, set up a makeshift studio, and took family photos for free?

(We were inspired several months ago by a video of Nashville photographer Jeremy Cowart doing something similar. He's starting an organization called Help Portrait to do it on a larger scale.)

So my brother combined the event with his annual school-supplies-and-backpack giveaway. A friend of ours, Kyle Trafton of Trafton Photography, did the honors, and we had a lot of fun. I shot the behind-the-scenes stuff and helped with posing, while Kyle did the actual photography work. It was a lot of fun, and was, I think, a fun way to put some feet on grace and give back to the community.

Saturday Evening: Block Party



Amarillo has an annual downtown block party every year, which is mostly a festival of live music, hot food, and cold beer. The church we attend is the progressive Saturday-night ministry of a Southern Baptist congregation here in Amarillo. I play the drums for our worship band, which you may or may not have known. Several months ago, we decided that we needed to be out in the community more, for no reason other than to be out in the community, in a service capacity. So our band auditioned for the block party. Got accepted, and were given the first show on one of the main stages.

The photo above is the view from behind my drum set. It doesn't look like very many people were there. That's because it was 5 pm and 90 degrees on the street, so everyone is backed up -- 30 feet away from the stage -- in the shade of a building. They're all hanging out where it's cooler.

Anyway, we did a 75-minute set of worship music (lots of Chris Tomlin stuff). Also -- knowing the nature of the event -- we handed out free beer koozies with our church name and website on it. So there we were, playing worship music while audience members walked around sipping from cans of Coors Light that they'd wrapped up in a free koozie given to them by a Baptist church. That, kids, is something I'm proud of.

Blog Posts About Sex Get Lots of Traffic

This has been a fun week at Jesus Needs New PR, the blog of my friend (and fellow writer) Matthew Paul Turner. A few years back, he wrote a book called What You Didn't Learn from Your Parents About Sex (A Guide to a Touchy Subject). There aren't too many Christian sex books out there. Especially funny ones.

(However, I must admit: Tim & Beverly LaHaye's sex book is a real laugh riot.)

MPT worked out a deal with his publisher, NavPress, to offer 200 copies of his book absolutely free to readers of his blog. (Go here to try to get your copy, though the quantity may have run out by the time this posts.)

To promote the giveaway, he christened this week at his blog "Sex Week," which is just as entertaining as Shark Week -- and almost as dangerous (at least in the Christian world). So the week has been stuffed full with Christian commentary and opinions and discussions about sex, including an interview with Rob Bell, a discussion with the owner of the Sensuous Wife (an online sex toy shop designed for Christians -- yes, you read that right), and essays and videos about sex from a variety of writers.

It's definitely an adult-themed week at Matthew's blog, but one about a subject Christians rarely discuss, and the conversations that have taken place there this week have been thought-provoking and necessary. I recommend browsing through the multitude of posts, as long as you realize the content is very forthright about the topic. If you blush easily, be prepared.

Anyway, MPT asked me to get involved, too, so today he posted something I wrote to bring a little humor to the sexy subject matter. It's by no means a serious essay about sex or anything like that, but I do offer some advice. Self-promotional shill that I am, it's advice related to my books. It's also pretty fun, if I do say so myself.

So hop on over to Jesus Needs New PR, read "Ask the Saintly Sexpert," and check out all the other stuff. It'll be fun.

A Helpful Guide to Rorschach Inkblots

Did you know that there's a bit of a kerfuffle brewing among psychologists because images of the famed Rorschach inkblot tests have now been posted on Wikipedia, along with the most common responses for each image?

Mental-health professionals, as you might have seen on TV or in the movies, often use a person's interpretation of the inkblots as one of many methods of gauging a test subject's psychological state. Hours and hours of research have gone into developing a standard that links a person's responses to certain psychological conditions. But what if you just use Wikipedia to memorize the correct (i.e. non-psychotic) responses to these images? Couldn't you "game" the system? Could a fully insane psychopath come across as normal because he studied Wikipedia the night before his Rorschach test?

Possibly.

It also occurs to me that someone wanting to get attention by appearing clinically crazy might also memorize the "right" answers and then endeavor to not give anything even close to the right answer. This interests me -- a sane person trying to appear insane is a difficult trick to pull off -- so I'd like to offer helpful suggestions on a few of the inkblots.

Inkblot #1:



Most common responses: Bat, butterfly

Marginally insane response: Two chihuahuas ripping apart a beetle that has pincers extruding from its head.

Clinically crazy response: Two baby elephants using their tusks to tug apart two robed monks who are each hugging the other, each with one hand in the air being used as a hand puppet to reenact scenes from old Garfield comic strips. The monk on the left appears to be playing the part of Jon. The one on the right is Garfield. (You do see that, too, don't you?)

Inkblot #2:



Most common responses: Two human figures

Marginally insane response: Two mountain gorillas encountering each other in the grasslands of Uganda and falling in love, as illustrated by the shared hearts floating between them. Also they are making soup in a large cauldron.

Clinically crazy response: The black, bug-like eyes and pointy black and white ears of the alien overlord who appeared in my room last night and stole my gallbladder, which he then suspended above his head between the tips of his ears so that he could communicate via mind-meld with my other organs, telling them to slowly shut down their regular functioning because I am convinced that my body is conspiring against me. Also, they are making soup.

Inkblot #3:



Most common responses: Animal hide or skin

Marginally insane response: Hide or skin of Animal, the Muppet drummer.

Clinically crazy response: A head-on view of Glenn, the talking warthog with a handlebar mustache who lives under my bed. He's harmless, though, because he has been domesticated by the family of Gypsies who also live under my bed and occasionally keep me up at night with their tambourine renditions of Peter, Paul and Mary songs.

Inkblot #4:



Most common responses: Human faces

Marginally insane response: Great scott! That's the Decepticon logo!

Clinically crazy response: Great scott! That's a degraded photo of me giving a double thumbs-up after leaving my first viewing of the film BioDome! That stuff at the bottom is kinda thick, but I imagine it's a reflection of the light off the handcuffs I was wearing at the time, but I totally should NOT have been arrested because how was I to know that Chad was going to light up that funny cigarette right there in the theater, or that he was going to dump his extra large tub of popcorn on the theater manager's head when he came to ask us to leave, or that he was going to assume the Mr. Miyagi crane stance right before attempting to kick the arresting officer in the head? Stupid Chad.

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What do you see in the inkblots above? (Or, more importantly, what can you deduce about me psychologically based on what I was able to see in the inkblots above?)

I am a Humor Tease

A few weeks ago, friend-of-the-Pocket-Guides Bryan Allain asked me to participate in a humor survey he was doing on his blog. Apparently because he needed to fill space between photos of Amish people and stories about eating tacos with Derek Webb.

So Bryan asked me some pretty interesting questions about humor, my relationship to it, and its place in my writing. His thoughtful questions included:

What were a few of the things you remember laughing at the most as a kid?

What about now as an adult?

Is there something that lots of other people find humorous that never really makes you laugh?

Do you think Christians are afraid of humor?

How do you think humor can be useful to Christianity?

In your opinion, how is humor different from sarcasm/cynicism?

At what point in life did you really start to embrace the idea “wow, i think I might be funny”?

Why do you want to be funny?

...and a few more. Answering the questions was fun, but I don't want to steal from Bryan's blog traffic, so if you want to read my full answers, you'll have to read his blog post. To further whet your appetite, I will reveal that my answers contained the following phrases:

• angry, hateful comedy

• men getting hit in the naughty bits

• epic smackdown of sarcasm

• Carrot Top Syndrome

• that ravenous need for approval

• I’d talk about Pringles

• died of tuberculosis

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So there you go. Read, comment, and enjoy the horse-and-buggy photos. If you want to comment about my interview, go ahead and do it at Bryan's blog.

On the comments here, I'm going to ask you to answer two questions posed to me:

What things did you find funny as a kid? What do you now find funny as an adult?

Looking forward to your answers.

Rob Stennett, the Apocalypse, and Doubt

Today at RelevantMagazine.com I have an interview with Rob Stennett, the author of the new novel The End Is Now, which is probably best described as "satirical rapture fiction." It's a hot new genre!

I'm not going to reprint the full interview, but I will give you an excerpt because I think it applies to some of the other stuff I've discussed here at the blog. Rob and I share a fascination with apocalyptic history and research...and coupled with that is a shared experience of religious uncertainty and doubt -- the kind that accompanies knowledge. In my mind, that's the hardest kind of doubt to deal with.

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JB: I’m right there with you when it comes to “the more I’ve studied it, the less I know.” In fact, when people ask me what I believe about the End Times, I tell them I’m an “eschatological agnostic,” which means I have no idea how it’ll play out and I don't have any interest in any kinds of predictions. I am interested, however, in the relationship between knowledge and uncertainty. The more I seem to learn about a subject—the apocalypse, the Bible, the afterlife—the less certain I become about it. As a Christian writer and researcher, can you identify with that? If so, what do you make of it?

Rob Stennett: Yeah, I can definitely identify with uncertainty. There are stories in the Bible that I once thought were really nice (Abraham and Isaac, for instance), until with study and critical reading of them they just became frightening. It made me wonder: How did I ever find solace in a story like that? And just as troubling is that I’ve researched the rapture and learned where these ideas were formed. I’ll realize: OK, so a minister (or a group of ministers) took this combination of verses and came up with a theology from it. Then other people wrote about it. Then someone made a movie about it and wrote a catchy song and a book about it all from this teaching. But still, there are verses in the Bible that describe these things. So are they right or are they wrong? Or is it even that simple?

So if all the research and writing has taught me anything, it’s that we have to engage in what we believe in. Not just regurgitate something. This is one of the reasons we need stories. Jesus used them all the time. Stories help us to explore our beliefs and what they mean. They also let us come up with our own conclusions … whereas sermons can often prepackage solutions for you.

I’m not trying to sound like everything is relative, but I am saying these are issues that have been debated for thousands of years, and the arguments on both sides of the coin are really strong. Everything I write has a tone of uncertainty in it because I think these subjects are too complex to just say, “Well I’ve got it all figured out.” I’ll step off my soapbox now.

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Read the full interview here, and join the discussion.

True Pocket Guide Confessions

It's another round of confessions, this time related to the Pocket Guides. I've done it before, on multiple occasions, and now I'm doing it again. Why? Because I have no shame.

1. Sometimes, when I open up one of my new books, I read a passage I have forgotten about and laugh. Occasionally out loud. Yes, I crack myself up, and I don't care WHO knows.

2. In writing the Afterlife book, I will admit to trying to think of a topic that had broad appeal and could be easily marketed.

3. Before beginning Pocket Guide to Sainthood, I knew its appeal might be more limited. (Protestants don't care about the saints, and Catholics don't like when you joke about the saints.) But I wrote it anyway. In fact, I wanted to write it in 2006, because the topic is So. Completely. Pocket Guideish.

4. Authors are supposed to say that they view each of their books like they view their own children, and therefore it's hard for them to choose a favorite. But I totally have a favorite.

5. I'm not going to tell you what it is.

6. OK, I will tell you. It's a tie between Sainthood and my first one, Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse. I love all the books, but these two I love slightly more because the subjects are so insanely perfect for this format. The books pretty much write themselves. Looking back, though, the Apocalypse book as a whole falls slightly short of perfection, because it doesn't have a list chapter. I came up with the list idea for PGTTBible. It is now Pocket Guide canon.

7. Because of all the research involved -- and because I wrote these more than a year ago -- I get nervous during interviews because I just know you'll ask me something about the 18 chambers of the tenth court of Diyu (the hell of Chinese mythology), and I will not be able to recall a single one of them. There are so many numbers and foreign-sounding names and unpronounceable Aztecan deities in the Afterlife book alone that I would completely fry my brain trying to memorize all that stuff.

8. Which is why I always have copies of the books with me when I do radio or podcast interviews. And I am very good at filling airtime with mindless chatter while frantically paging through them to find the answer to the question you just asked.

9. Because I have written these books, you might think I am one of those egghead experts who can talk knowledgeably about an obscure subject on a whim. But I'm not. If you want me to speak intelligently about this stuff, you need to give me time to prepare.

10. I spend a lot of time preparing to sound intelligent. It involves reading my own books. Which I wrote. Lame.

11. I'm still not sure I'm pronouncing Mictlantecuhtli right. He's the Aztec god of death. His wife is named Mictecacilhuatl. If you ask me to pronounce both of those names in the same sentence, I will create a diversion, possibly a fire, and run away.

12. I carry a book of matches in my pocket for just such an occasion.

13. Number 12 is a lie.

14. I'm afraid some Catholics will think I don't respect the saints enough because of some of the things I write in Pocket Guide to Sainthood. But they're wrong. I probably respect them more than most evangelical Protestants. It's just that some of the legendary stuff is really, really funny, like about how St. Barbara once got even with a local shepherd by turning his sheep into grasshoppers. I don't know if you've ever tried to herd grasshoppers, but it is freaking hilarious.

15. Same goes with my treatment of the Bible. I only make fun of Jeremiah's three-year stint of naked (and barefoot) public prophecy because I take the Bible seriously. And because if Rick Warren had tried that kind of thing he wouldn't be nearly as influential as he has become.

16. I feel a stab of guilt every time I send a shameless email promoting my books, or publish a self-marketing blog post, or write a Twitter update, or send a message to the members of the Facebook Pocket Guide group. Mainly because I hate shameless marketing. But then I get over it, because that's kind of my job.

17. I was bummed that so few people entered submissions in Tuesday's caption contest. And when I heard that the degree of difficulty created by my rules was the probable culprit, I was just disappointed. Come on, people! Rise to the challenge! You can't give away a free book and not make people earn it!

18. I feel kind of bad about #17, like I came on a little strong there at the end. Sorry about that.

19. Sometimes I will take a piece of Dove dark chocolate and dip it in peanut butter and eat it. This has nothing to do with my books, but it's so decadent! There are children in India who don't have peanut butter to dip their Dove dark chocolate into.

20. I really miss Fake Jason Boyett, but I can't imagine how I used to find the time to make that crap up.

21. When I started this post, I really only had about three confessions I'd already thought about writing. I have no idea how I ended up, 15 minutes later, with 21 of them. Sheesh.

Release Week Caption Contest Winner(s)

So I have a small problem. There were fewer entries yesterday than I'd hoped -- I'm pretty sure the stringent caption rules had something to do with this -- but those who entered did an excellent job.

However, my favorite entry came an hour and 43 minutes after the announced contest deadline. It was Bryan Schneider's, which I love because a) it's very dry; b) it gives a sense of something happening beyond the photo; and c) it's written in perfect journalistic newspaper captioning style. Totally perfect. Here's his caption, along with the photo:



Former mall santas and co-workers seen suffering in hell for usurping the real meaning of Christmas. The real St. Nick (not pictured) commented only that he never really enjoyed being called a "right jolly old elf" and feels that without remorse, the punishment seemed appropriate.

Only Bryan didn't stick to the rules. He missed the deadline.

If the rules are going to turn people away, then I absolutely cannot override the rules in order to give the prize to the best caption. Integrity, right? Sorry, Bryan. How do you like the bittersweet taste of your "victory"?

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While we're on the subject, I really liked the tone of J Wright's entry. I loved the atmosphere and brooding he devised for the caption, only he didn't follow the rules exactly, either. Here's his submission:



We all had code names: Ms. Tree, Ms. Ice, I was Ms. Gnome; the St. Nicks were the brains of the operation. For the jolly old elf in the wheelchair, it would be a Chanukah he'd not soon forget.

That's good stuff, only you forgot one word in the required phrase "right jolly old elf." It kills me to turn it down for such a nitpicky point. Sounds like a literary snapshot from a great story. But again, rules are rules.

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That leads us to the winner I'd selected before Bryan posted. I picked this for one simple reason. Actually two: 1) it followed the rules; and 2) it made me laugh out loud.



Since St. Peter was busy, St. Nicholas, manning the pearly gates, escorts a right jolly old elf into heaven's outdoor Towne Centre food court.

The idea of an ersatz "Towne Centre" food court in heaven strikes me as really funny. Good job, Adam. Shoot me your mailing address and book choice and I'll get your winning entry in the mail.

Congrats, Bryan and J Wright for your almost-winning submissions. Honorable mentions go to Bryce for posting a caption-as-limerick, Lauren for packing a paragraph's worth of information into two complete sentences, and Chase for an excellent Narnia shout-out.

If you're wondering, the real caption for the photo was this:



(Reuters) A man dressed as Santa Claus pushes his colleague in a wheelchair as they and others in costume arrive for the World Santa Claus Congress at an amusement park north of Copenhagen. More than 150 'Santas' from all over the world convened for the 52nd congress.

That's right: the World Santa Claus Congress. Awesome.

Release Week Caption Contest

In honor of Pocket Guide release week, it's time for another fun caption contest. The winner gets a free copy of any of the new books -- Bible, Sainthood, or Afterlife (your choice). Enter as often as you like, with one entry per comment.

Here are the rules:

1. The caption can be no longer than two sentences.

2. The caption must be creative.

3. In a nod to the saints, you must refer to at least one of the Santas as "St. Nick."

4. You must also employ the phrase "right jolly old elf."

5. Bonus consideration will be given if you can work in a reference -- any reference -- to the afterlife.

Got it? Here's the photo.



In order to be considered for the contest, entries must be placed by noon, central, tomorrow (Wednesday, August 5).

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Pocket Guide to Sainthood
Pocket Guide to the Afterlife
Pocket Guide to the Bible

Release Day! (kinda)

Today is officially the release date for my three new Pocket Guide books, although in the publishing industry there's not always a specific street date (unless you're crazy big-time like Harry Potter or Twilight). Some stores may have already had my books on the shelves. Some may display them today. Others will get them out over the next few days.

Anyway, in honor of the books' release, here's a fake interview with me, by me...but entirely for you:

Interviewer: Hi. You're looking handsome as always, Jason.

Jason Boyett: Thanks. You're sweet.

No, I'm not. I'm just regular. Guys don't like to be called "sweet." Or "pretty."

You're making me uncomfortable with your defensiveness. Can't we just do the interview?

Fine. So today is the release day for your new books. How does it feel?

Kinda normal. The weird thing about writing a book is that I did all the research and writing more than a year ago. Then a bunch of editing, and checking the layouts, which happened months ago. And I've been blogging and talking about the release, like, forever...

You're telling me.

Shut it. So anyway, once the release date finally hits, it's a little anticlimactic because of all the work that precedes it.

Are you doing anything special for release day?

Not that I'm aware of. Does this interview count?

No. And I'm the one asking the questions here.

Fine.

What can your loyal readers do to help?

That's an excellent question. The first thing they can do is go buy the books. Get them at Amazon, or Borders, or Barnes & Noble, or wherever (there are links in the sidebar at left). If you buy all three from Amazon right now, you qualify for free shipping.

Or, go to an actual real-live bookstore and buy them. I think several B&N stores will have them on display at the front, at the non-fiction new releases table. If you see one there, take a picture of it or tweet it or otherwise let me know. If you can't find it, ask the sales clerk to find it or special-order it for you.

So basically you're asking your friends and readers to spend approximately $30 for your benefit.

That's exactly what I'm asking. I have no shame.

Honestly, you don't. What else can they do?

They can blog about the books. Tweet about them. Email all their friends about them. Even better, they can review the books on Amazon. A lot of my readers may have pre-ordered the books, and if that's the case, they've received them already. I'd very gratefully ask them to leave a review. Reader reviews are always good (especially positive ones). Even if you read Pocket Guide to the Bible a long time ago, in its first incarnation, go ahead and review the new one. It's all the same stuff.

Anything else?

I put a new Pocket Guide ad at the top of this page. And if you go to JasonBoyett.com, you'll see a brand-new home page. It leads here, and to PocketGuideSite.com. And also to my Twitter and Facebook pages.

What kinds of publicity are you working on?

I'll show up on a few podcasts fairly soon. I've recorded one already and am scheduling others for this week. I've got some articles in the works, too. Print and online. I'll let you know when they hit.

You guest-posted at Stuff Christians Like on Friday, with some stuff about the saints. It was kinda controversial, wasn't it?

Yes. Surprised me a little, in fact. I posted about how some of the saints might have gone a little too far in their pursuit of holiness -- particularly in a few of the more legendary stories. Gouging out their eyes, praying for ugliness, remaining chaste even after marriage. That kind of thing. This made a few of Jon's Catholic readers a little uncomfortable. I didn't expect that reaction, to be honest. I thought more people would be more upset because of a glib couple of lines about lust and Megan Fox.

Now I'm upset! Jerk! Lust-monger! Foul temptor!

Sorry. Please forgive me.

OK. All better. Any other guest posts coming up?

Yes. But I'm keeping quiet about them now. I'll let you know when they hit.

Oooh. Secretive. Me likey.

Never do that again. Never. For the record, anyone who ever says "me likey" is dead to me.

OK. Sorry.

You're forgiven.

Did you get all the books signed over the weekend?

Yes, I did. Thanks for asking. All are signed and boxed. All that's left is taking them to the Post Office for shipping. Which is quite a task, let me tell you.

Don't complain.

I'm not! Don't boss me. Sheesh.

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Pocket Guide to Sainthood
Pocket Guide to the Afterlife
Pocket Guide to the Bible