The First 100 Days: An Idea

So yesterday was the big "First 100 Days" milestone in President Obama's administration. I've always found this to be a curious way to mark the passage of time. One hundred is a good, round number -- when you're doing math or measuring distances. But it doesn't match up very well with a calendar.

One hundred days is three months...and change. It's 14 weeks...and change. It's one full season...plus change. It's not an easily delineated length of time. Why the first 100 days and not the first three months? Or first 15 weeks? Doesn't the national political culture know to ask for my advice on these matters?

And this year, the weird 100 days observance has gotten a little out of hand. Not only are we noting Obama's first 100 days, but we're also discussing the first 100 days of the Republicans during a Democrat administration. And the first 100 days of Michelle Obama as First Lady. (Even her first 100 days of fashion.)

This fake Facebook news feed of Obama's first 100 days is pretty genius, though.

Anyway, here's my idea. Even though the number is weird, I think we ought to ride this wave of 100s and expand it beyond the political realm. Specifically, we ought to begin celebrating 100-day milestones as they relate to all of life. To kick-start this campaign, we need to do one thing, and one thing only: Get the greeting card industry behind it. Once American Greetings begins rolling out a selection of quippy 100 days cards for every occasion, it'll be unstoppable.

Here are some 100 Days greeting cards I'd like to see. Please send royalties care of Jason Boyett.

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Milestone:
First 100 Days Since Parole

Written inside the Card: You've done it! More than three months and you're still a free man. Keep your nose clean, drive the speed limit, and remember to stay at least 100 feet away from all government buildings.

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Milestone:
First 100 Days Since Vasectomy

Written inside the Card: Still shooting blanks? Way to go! You're probably OK now to forego contraception. Have fun!

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Milestone:
First 100 Days of Parenthood

Written inside the Card: If you haven't completely lost it since coming home with the kid, then you may survive being a parent after all. Look at the bright side: Maybe, in another couple months, you'll get to sleep through the night.

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Milestone:
First 100 Days in a Street Gang

Written inside the Card: Getting jumped in was rough, but now you're seeing the benefits, right? The companionship, the neighborhood respect, the free ammunition, the tickle fights. Keep livin' the dream, Jiggy B!

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Milestone:
First 100 Days as a Ghost

Written inside the Card: I know it's hard to drift through the land of the living, voiceless and invisible and wondering when you'll pass out of this limbo state. Also, the chains you're dragging around have grown tiresome. But think positive! You're spooky! You can pass through walls! Your white bedsheet is remarkably slimming! It's not that bad, really now, is it?

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Milestone:
First 100 Days on a Mystical Island Following a Plane Crash

Written inside the Card: Those 100 days sure passed quickly, what with our leadership issues and the Others and the violence and polar bears and smoke monster and concrete hatch! But don't worry. Things will work out eventually. We're sure of it. At least, that's what Damon Lindelof says!

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Your turn. What 100 Days would you like to celebrate?

Contest Winner: The Inspirational Kitten

Some of you are more disturbed than I am. Lots of good entries in yesterday's not-very-inspiring "inspirational kitten" caption contest. Lots of entries that made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Of the good entries, I couldn't pick a favorite, so I picked three. If you three winners will email me a mailing address, I'll get your signed copies of Pocket Guide to the Bible in the mail.

For the sake of over-achievement, I have taken the liberty of turning these photos and captions into posters. Enjoy.

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From Cameron Reeves (who, it should be noted, is a pastor):




From BrianinBC (who came up with one I might have thought of but probably wouldn't have submitted):




And from Cheri-Beri (a home-schooling mom and boy am I glad she didn't come up with the woodchipper one):




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Congratulations, Cameron, Brian, and Cheri-Beri! Get in touch.

To the rest of you kitties who didn't win, hang in there. And if you really, really want a copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible, it's only $6.99. Click the button on the sidebar.

Caption Contest: The Inspirational Kitten

I was making fun of inspirational Twitter posts earlier today and @shueytexas reminded me of the clichéd "Hang in There" virtues of the kitten-in-a-tree poster. Which I may or may not have hung in my room as an 11 year-old.

So I thought of a contest. Below is a picture of a cute kitten hanging from a tree. Your job is to come up with the best caption for this poster. The only rules: It must be anti-inspirational. So if you put this photo and your caption together, what you'd end up with is the least inspirational poster ever.



To kick things off, here are a few of my suggestions.

Caption #1:
Hang on as long as you like, but understand the boiling lava will eventually incinerate the tree.

Caption #2:
This kitten may be cute, but unfortunately it slipped right after this photo was taken and broke its leg.

Caption #3:
Bereft of companionship, this cat began hugging trees. Environmentalists are like that.

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Now it's your turn. The caption contest ends at 9 am tomorrow, at which time I'll pick my favorite and send the winner a free, signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible.

Ready? Go!

Ten More Confessions

Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest. I've done it before, and now I'm doing it again. Don't hate me, blog readers. Admire me for my transparency:

1. I sleep with a body pillow. If you ask about its purpose, I'll tell you it help keep my lower back from hurting in the morning. But there's the possibility that my pillow is cool, and soft, and maybe I just like to hug something when I sleep.

2. When my wife and I installed a new microwave a few years ago, we opened it, admired its gleaming white interior, and committed to each other that we would keep the inside of that microwave pristine. We have been remarkably successful. I never gave a thought to the cleanliness of anyone's microwaves before that. But now? I will totally judge you if the inside of your microwave is nasty with splatters, bits of food, and muck. Disgusting.

3. I wear my iPod when I work out. You might think I'm listening to cool music to keep that adrenaline going as I sweat. But you're wrong. I'm probably listening to NPR.

4. I once stole a key blank from a K-Mart in New Mexico while on a fishing trip with my dad. It's because the key blank was blue! Blue! And so shiny! That theft haunted me for most of my childhood.

5. I know a lot of Hannah Montana songs. A LOT. Not as well as I know the High School Musical songbook, but still...

6. I experience the following types of envy on a regular basis: bestselling book envy; Don Miller envy; I-wish-I-had-thought-of-that-book-concept envy; "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" panelist envy; massive Twitter following envy; lots of blog comments envy; and ability-to-juggle-bowling-pins envy.

7. Outwardly I'm really proud that my 9 year-old daughter is interested right now in creating signs and other artsy documents using Microsoft Word. She's becoming a graphic designer! Inwardly, I'm annoyed at her font selection. Comic Sans again?

8. My wife and I have watched every season of Survivor. I always think I'd be a good contestant on the show, because I can be a very convincing liar. I think it might be wrong, however, to take pride in your ability to lie. That's like two layers of sin all at once. It's the double cheeseburger of iniquity.

9. I don't hunt. It doesn't bother me if you hunt animals for food, but I'm not sympathetic to the idea of killing animals for sport. However, I love to flyfish. On backpacking trips, I eat the fish I catch, but mostly I release them back into the river. I'm really careful not to harm the delicate trout, you see -- and I really hope the scientific studies about fish being unable to feel pain are true. But who knows? I might be a major hypocrite for catching and/or pestering fish for sport.

10. Once, as a preteen, I was skinny-dipping with my male cousins in a lake (during daylight) when a canoe-full of Girl Scouts -- they were our age -- paddled up and began talking to us while we treaded water. I'm pretty sure they didn't know we were naked, but I'm not absolutely certain.

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Confess your own sins or oddities in the comments below. Because confession is good for the soul. And also it's fun to read.

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Other personal confessions you might find interesting:

• I read and enjoyed Twilight
• 25 things about me
• 13 confessions and a really vain bonus

Recycled Post: Earth Day

Today is Earth Day, which means it's as good a day as any to recycle a post. Last year's post on Earth Day was one of my favorites of the year, and I'm gonna reduce/reuse/recycle by posting it again. The original post was called "Our Big Honking Stuff Problem."

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Earth Day has been around, in an official capacity, since the late 60s. The earliest I can recall hearing about it was during my freshman year in high school, which was 1988. We talked it up a lot at school that year, and the student council was selling Earth Day t-shirts with something about saving the earth and recycling on the front. Green silkscreen. The shirts were cool. I bought one and wore it proudly on Earth Day.

I'm not sure of the chronology, but I ran into my 9th grade Sunday School teacher while I was wearing the shirt. I liked the guy. He was nice and fairly young. He was big-time into Young Earth Creationism (the literal 7-day variety), so almost all of our Sunday School lessons turned into discussions about where the dinosaurs fit in and how Noah could have crammed some baby dinosaurs onto the ark and whether or not "leviathan" in Job was a dinosaur reference. He was super-knowledgeable about that stuff and we ate it up.

This is the first thing he said when he saw me wearing my Earth Day shirt: "Why are you wearing that? You don't believe that junk, do you?" He was not kidding at all. In fact, he seemed a little angry. I mumbled an answer about how I just liked the shirt, and how they were selling them at school. His implied message -- that there was something unchristian about Earth Day -- was news to me. I was stunned. I was devastated. In fact, I don't remember ever wearing that shirt again. I never talked to him about it, but I definitely looked at Earth Day differently for the next few years. I didn't buy any more shirts about recycling.

It was another few years before I decided that my dinosaur-loving Creationist teacher was flat-out wrong (about a lot of things) but especially for being so jerky about my shirt. I still see him every once in awhile. We've never discussed it. I'm not sure if he's come around or not.

But I have.

And I'm not gonna soft-shoe it, either. Christians need to repent for having gotten in the way of the last few decades of environmental initiatives -- for treating any environmental talk with knee-jerk suspicion, for acting like it's all some sort of pagan/liberal mumbo-jumbo, for forgetting that creation care is a spiritual issue and a poverty issue and a human rights issue and not just a corporate or political one. It is not an anti-Christian thing at all...despite what our 9th-grade Sunday School teachers may have said.

It's not a liberal thing. It is a human thing.

I'll end the rant and try not to get too preachy about it (too late!). But here are some resources to consider on this Earth Day:

Read this: One of the best faith & environmentalism books I've read is Tri Robinson's Saving God's Green Earth. Tri is a pastor whose Boise church is doing some groundbreaking things when it comes to the intersection of religion and conservation. Some great articles at their website.

Two other great books are Serve God, Save the Planet, by Dr. Matthew Sleeth, and Go Green, Save Green, by Nancy Sleeth (Matthew's wife). Lots of great resources at the Sleeth's non-profit organization, Blessed Earth.

Watch this: We have a big honking consumerism problem. I have a big honking consumerism problem. And it's good to recycle stuff and walk instead of drive and try to turn off the lights when you leave the room. But those are tiny actions around the edge of the problem. They won't fix the environmental crisis. Instead we need to get to the heart of the problem, and its heart is consumerism. We use too many resources without thought of conservation or sustainability. We produce too much waste. We buy too much stuff we don't need. That's why I think the Junky Car Club is a great idea. That's why I also want to recommend this short film by Annie Leonard. It's 20 minutes long, but it's a fast-paced, funny, eye-opening 20 minutes. You want to participate in Earth Day? The best place to start is by watching "The Story of Stuff."

Here's a teaser.



Watch the whole film at www.storyofstuff.com.

Try this: If a young person gets excited about something good -- something that's beneficial to someone else, even if you think it might be somehow misguided -- do not discourage him or her from pursuing it. To do so is mean, selfish, and a crappy way to be human.

Yes, I'm talking about the Earth Day t-shirt thing.

On a Saturday morning a few weeks ago, my daughter, Ellie, was riding her scooter down the block. She came back in a hurry, a little frantic because, four houses away, one of our neighbor's sprinkler heads had come off and water was gushing down their driveway. Ellie had learned at school that week about not wasting water. She was upset about the lawn geyser, "because we might run out of water someday." She wanted me to go fix it. Or go turn off their sprinkler. My first response was to tell her it wasn't our yard and we couldn't really do much about it. And that their broken sprinkler was not going to drain our water supply. Then I thought about my Earth Day shirt, and my Sunday School teacher. And about Ellie's out-of-nowhere passion for water conservation. So I walked down to that house and -- despite getting soaked and muddy -- screwed that sprinkler head back into place. Water crisis solved. Ellie was happy. In a small way, we saved the environment that morning.

Baby steps. It's all about baby steps.

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Wanna do something small but environmentally sound, and which your kids will think is awesome? Try worm composting. Here's a January post about my entry into vermicomposting. It's fun, it's easy, it's healthy for your yard and garden, and it reduces the amount of stuff you throw away. Also, it's thousands of worms.

This Week in Ninja Larceny...

Imagine my glee when, finally, I got a hit on my Google alert for ninja + sword + "dry cleaner" + robbery.

After all this time! Here's the story, from the Patriot Ledger in Quincy, Massachusetts:

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WEYMOUTH — A man witnesses said was dressed like a ninja used a sword in an attempt to rob a dry cleaner on Main Street, police said.

The man, wearing a ski mask and a sword in a sheath on his belt, walked into the Tedeschi convenience store at 1039 Main St. around 8 a.m. Monday, Sgt. Richard Fuller said.

“All the witnesses said he was dressed like a ninja,” Fuller said. “He was in all black including the black ski mask. And they said it was a ‘ninja sword’ (he was carrying).”

A clerk, alarmed by the man’s appearance, called police. When the man noticed her, he pulled his mask off and asked if she was calling about him, Fuller said.

When she said she was, the man left the store and walked into nearby Galaxy Cleaners.

There, Fuller said he pointed a sword at the register and asked a clerk to give him all of the money inside. She told him she couldn’t open the drawer, and the man left the scene, Fuller said.

Police are still searching for the man, who witnesses said appeared to be in his late 20s.

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Questions and comments:

1. Why wear a mask in an attempted robbery if you're only going to rip the mask off when the clerk calls the police?

2. There really is a Main Street in Weymouth, Massachusetts? That's wonderful news. I thought "Main Street" only existed in films from the 1950s and in statements by TV pundits in comparison to Wall Street.

3. If you are going to go to the trouble of dressing like a ninja and brandishing a sword, you really need to follow through on your robbery attempt. I'm pretty sure a real ninja would not let a phone call to police dissuade him from his crime spree.

4. Same goes for the locked drawer at nearby Galaxy Cleaners. What good is a ninja sword if not for opening locked cash drawers?

5. In describing the employee reaction to the attempted ninja robbery, there is no better phrase than "the clerk, alarmed by the man's appearance..." If ninjas are known for anything, it's for causing alarm by the way they appear.

6. First it was the Craigslist killer. Now ninjas are trying to harm the dry cleaning industry. A bad week all around in the Boston metropolitan area.

Dear God, I Have a Question

I've been thinking lately about the questions I have for God, the kinds of things I would ask if I could get an answer, and which I do ask from time to time. They're the kinds of questions that aren't always acceptable to ask in some religious circles -- they indicate, in some minds, a lack of faith (which not everyone deals with very well). But I think it's healthy to ask questions of God. If you look at the Bible, guys like Moses and David and Elijah and Jeremiah all got away with asking very serious questions of God. Job spends a whole book questioning the Almighty...then God (sorta) rewards him for it in the end.

My upcoming book about doubt and spiritual weakness (Zondervan) asks a lot of these questions, and in most cases, they're questions for which I don't have good answers. The Bible doesn't really have satisfactory answers either. Neither does most theology.

Because I'm editing the book right now and am curious, I'm wondering what questions you might ask God if you knew you could get an answer? Not goofy questions like "What is the purpose of mosquitoes, anyway?" or "Why allow the continued existence of Carrot Top?" but real, hard, serious questions.

Here's my big question, at least for now:

Most so-called "proofs" of God are subjective, disputable, and can somehow be explained away by science. Why doesn't God give us more substantial, objective proof that he exists?

That's my question. What's yours?

Diff'rent Strokes Just Got Disturbing

If you're like me, you probably never think about how important music is to setting the tone of the images you're seeing on TV or in a movie. But the background music makes all the difference.

Want proof? Check out the title sequence of one of my favorite childhood shows, Diff'rent Strokes, but without the chirpy soul music.

Willis? Arnold? I don't care how fancy Mr. D's limo is. You kids need to be careful. There are some creepy old guys out there.

The Church and The Poor

Thanks to everyone who commented on yesterday's "ideas needed" post. I've passed your suggestions along to the church guy and they are much appreciated...and might eventually be implemented. Who knows?

Since you were so helpful yesterday, I'd like to pose another question and see how you might respond to it. Because I've written a few advice books -- Pocket Guide to Adulthood for 20somethings and A Guy's Guide to Life for teens -- I occasionally get sincere questions about certain issues from readers. I can't answer all of them, but I do try to answer a few as I have time.

Yesterday I received the following email from a young man who is a senior in high school and seems to be pretty thoughtful. Read his questions below. (He's agreed to allow me to post this, though I've edited out any identifying stuff to keep it anonymous.)

If you're so inclined, I'd love to hear what you might say in response.

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Dear Jason,

Recently I've had a growing sense of frustration with the American Church in general and value your advice (and I'll try to not make sweeping generalizations where one bad experience labels Christians everywhere).

But recently my Humanities class took a look at the genocide, cruelty and injustice that has ravaged the Darfur region of Sudan. My heart broke for the people as they related tale after tale of rape, murder, slaughter and starvation. One PBS video criticized the UN and Bush's administration for essentially ignoring or understating the problem, but in disgust I asked, "Where is the church? Where are the advocates of the orphan and widow, the hands and feet of God reaching to the least of these?" I can't help but question our incentives as we construct multi-million dollar facilities, skate parks, game rooms, and coffee shops that are built for our own comfort, while the world is bleeding all around us. Couldn't those resources be better used to hold our palms against their wounds and cater to the needs of the hurting?

Not that I am above that affluence; as I write this I gorge myself on a plate of chicken in the comfort of a large home and later plan to drive in my truck that costs thousands of dollars. I don't know, I guess my point is that I struggle to see the practicality of the extravagant money spent of making our churches comfortable. I know that the rich need to be ministered to, but wasn't the only thing Paul and Barnabas were asked to do was to remember the poor, the very thing they were eager to do? As I read the gospels, it appears to me that things like comfort, fashion and entertainment weren't very important to Jesus. I'll be the first to admit to my own greed, pride and lust for comfort and the plank in my own eye; but should or shouldn't our churches prioritize service to the hurting and poor community? Is there a balance in there somewhere?

That's what's been on my heart lately and I can't really figure it out, and I appreciate you taking the time to look at this.

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Serious questions. How would you respond?

Ideas Needed: What Could You Do with $20K/Month?

A friend of mine posed me a theoretical question about his church, and I think it's a great one to put some creativity to. This modest-sized church has been making a regular debt payment around $20,000 every month for a few years. It intends to pay off this building debt soon.

Which means the church will soon be in the position of having an extra $20K in its budget...unattached to anything. Certainly it could spend the money on itself. New lighting, new audio/visual, new whatever. But this church doesn't want to head this direction -- which is highly commendable, in my opinion. It wants to use the money to do good in its community, to help people, and to make the world a better place.

So, even though the question is theoretical at this point, there's a chance it really could happen. What this minister is asking for is ideas.

If your church had that much money to spend on others every month, how would you spend it?

I have my own ideas, but I thought I'd open it up to you guys. What would you do?

Comment away...

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(Note: When I say above that it's "a friend of mine," that's not a sneaky way of referring to myself. It's not me. Please don't come asking me for $20,000 next month.)

How I Use Social Media

The year 2009, it seems, has already been declared the Year of Twitter., where about half the people you run into claim to be something called a "Social Media Expert." Everyone's on Facebook, too, other than my wife. This fact is to the great dismay of most of our friends, but is something I appreciate about her (I love my women rebellious and counter-cultural -- besides, now there's proof that being on Facebook makes you dumber).

So I thought it might be a good time to list out the ways I use social media and get your thoughts on it, too.

First, the primary thing you need to know, by way of confession: Most of my social networking is done in service to my writing career. With a couple of exceptions, I use all this stuff to connect with present and future readers of my books, to maintain a platform, and to force myself to write on a regular basis for different media (i.e. blogs and Twitter). If I were not a (sorta) public figure trying to maintain a public platform, I wouldn't do half this stuff. I'd rather read books and do non-digital things, other than playing Scrabble on my daughter's DS. I'm just sayin.'

1. Public Blogging: That's what you're reading here. Since my first book came out in 2003, I'd been told that I should be blogging, but I resisted that sultry siren call for a long time. Who has time to write stuff every day for free? Not me, I said, to no one in particular. Then, when I signed the contract some eighteen months ago for the upcoming Pocket Guide books, I decided that I needed to take things like "platform" seriously. What's a platform? It's the combination of all the ways I am publicly visible, and it includes everything from my books and magazine articles to speaking engagements and appearances on the History Channel. When it comes to selling a book proposal, platform means a great deal. It means you have an audience of people who know you and are willing to buy your books. I decided that the primary place I would communicate with my readers and develop a platform was here, at my blog. This is home base. Everything I do, social-media-wise, points here.

The above paragraph sounds kinda curmudgeonly and clinical -- this blog exists only to gain potential readers! Sorry about that. What I discovered, of course, is that 1) I like writing blog posts, and 2) I like the people who read my blog. I've met some great online friends as a result, and I appreciate everyone who comments, lurks, and links to this blog. You're not just a bunch of numbers to me. Unless you don't ever comment or introduce yourself. In which case, you ARE, in fact, an unknown number. Fix that. Go here and introduce yourself.

2. Private Blogging. I also keep a family blog that's not exactly private -- you could probably find it if you Googled hard enough -- but it's not something I promote too much. I do it because, as the father of young kids, I want to remember as much of our family life as possible. So several times a week I post the things we do, with pictures and video and descriptions. It's a digital scrapbook of our lives, and in ten years when one of us says "Remember when you almost stepped on that rattlesnake? When was that?" I'll be able to pull up the blog and find a recap and photographs of that very event. Handy. It's like data storage for your memories. I think every family should keep a blog for this very reason, whether anyone ever reads it or not.

3. Facebook. Honestly, I could give or take Facebook. I check it maybe once a week, and that's just so the friend requests don't pile up. It has been great for reconnecting with old friends from high school, but I don't use it for much more than that. I don't update my status very often (when I do, it's just to point to a blog post). I never open any gifts or send flair or do any of that stuff because it's just not important to me. I rarely write on anyone's wall. I'll only respond to mail in Facebook with annoyance, because why don't you just email me like a normal person? I don't post photos other than publicity photos. I accept pretty much every friend request, even if you only know me through my books and I don't know you at all. I am a self-admitted Facebook bore, and I don't care. I'm on Facebook because, as a writer, I need to be. And because I like to see what my high school friends are doing. (And because, secretly, I hope to turn my high school friends into my readers.) Oops. Secret's out.

4. Twitter. I really like Twitter, as I've shared here before. I would probably use Twitter even if I wasn't worried about platform and readers and all that stuff, just because it's fun and creative and interesting. I'm fairly consistent with it, using it to interact with others, post links (sometimes to my blog posts but often to unrelated stuff), and stretch my writing skillz (saying something interesting in 140 characters is harder than you'd think). But it must be said that Twitter is a great platform-builder for writers, and any writer trying to gain readers needs to be using it. It's quick, it's easy, it's not terribly time-consuming, and it's a good way to meet people while sharpening your writing.

Clearly, then, it will jump the shark before the year is up. Maybe it already has.

5. LinkedIn. I probably don't use this tool as well as I should, but it's a great place for business professionals to network with others for jobs, connections, etc. It's useful to me as a freelance copywriter. I don't accept every invitation to connect on LinkedIn -- I have to actually know you and have worked with you -- and I haven't really tried to, you know, "get work" with it. But I know it's there, and I keep my profile updated. It's an excellent way to maintain some professional visibility online, and Guy Kawasaki agrees with me. If you are a professional of any sort, you should be on LinkedIn.

6. Other media. I also have a public video account on YouTube -- usually for when I post a video to the blog here, which is rarely. I use Vimeo for stuff on my family blog. We store our photos online at SmugMug, which I like better than Flickr. I'm also on Plaxo but never do anything with it. Same with Naymz. I haven't visited MySpace since early 2008 (seriously, who uses MySpace anymore?). And there are probably some other places I've created an account for but which I can't remember. And which I wouldn't have time to use anyway.

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What about you? What kind of presence do you have online? Why do you do it? In what ways do you use social media? Are you mad at me because I won't accept your Facebook flair?

If you want, this is an OK time to share your website or blog in a comment. We won't think you're being too self-promotional. (Especially not me, as I've just revealed how I put waaaay too much thought into self-promotion. Sheesh.)

Afterlife Preview: 11 Sensible Explanations for Ghosts

It's been a few months since the last sneak peak at Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, which releases in August from Jossey-Bass (along with Pocket Guide to Sainthood and a repackaged Pocket Guide to the Bible).

My favorite chapter in most of the Pocket Guides is the final chapter, which is always just a random collection of lists related to the topic. These are hard to research -- lots of information to sift through for a single bullet point -- but always fun to write. Because I like lists.

So here's one of them from "The Afterlists," which is the listy last chapter of PGTTAfterlife:

Eleven Sensible Explanations for Ghosts

1. They are souls of the dead who have returned to finish an unfinished task.

2. They have returned to avenge their deaths.

3. They want to uncover a hidden truth.

4. They are trying to protect their families.

5. They are suicide victims bound to wander the earth aimlessly.

6. They did not receive the proper burial rites.

7. They are ancestors looking out for us.

8. They are somehow trapped in this dimension and trying to find a way out.

9. They are projections of your subconscious.

10. They are hallucinations.

11. They are only floating bedsheets with eyeholes and nothing to be afraid of.

12. They are at Stage Three of the four stages of death prior to the next resurrection, with Stage One being an animal and Stage Two being a demon (Burmese Buddhism only).

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Have you ever seen, heard, or otherwise encountered a ghost? If so, please explain. (No, Bruce Willis doesn't count.)

More Funny Words and Suggested Usage

I enjoyed this last time around, so I'm doing it again. Here are a few random words from The 100 Funniest Words in English, by Robert Beard, with definitions and my own personal usage suggestions. Your goal for today is to use each of these words at least once in conversation. Please report back to me how it went.

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Collywobbles (noun): An intense feeling of fear, apprehension, or nervousness.

Suggested usage: "Upon meeting Bette Midler for the first time, Jenna was stricken with a serious case of the collywobbles. Mainly because she had been a fan of the diva for years, but also because Midler was standing there with a bloody butcher knife and a crazed look in her eyes."

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Ecdysiast (noun): A stripper

Suggested usage: "No one wants their daughter to become a stripper, so Nicole has spent the last few years telling her parents she was working nights as an ecdysiast, and making pretty good money, too. They think she works in a lab."

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Furphy (noun): A gossipy false report or rumor; hearsay

Suggested usage: "When Gerald told his friends that he was keeping his children hidden indoors to prevent Madonna from trying to adopt them during her next concert stop, we all knew he was a victim of a vicious case of furphy. He proved us wrong when the Material Girl showed up at his front door, lawyers (and children) in tow."

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Gaberlunzie (noun): A wandering beggar

Suggested usage: "As a child, Greg decided he wanted to some day experience the freedom and simplicity of life as a gaberlunzie, until he realized he disliked hitchhiking, living outdoors, being dirty, asking people for stuff, and eating beans. So he went with his secondary dream and became an investment banker."

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Hemidemisemiquaver (noun): In music, a sixty-forth note

Suggested usage: "Stephanie and the rest of the oboe section broke into giggles when Mr. Scheinbaum, the ancient composer, fell into a coughing fit upon shouting at them to tighten up their hemidemisemiquavers on 'Flight of the Bumblebee.'"

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Slangwhanger (noun): A partisan speechmaker; a loud, abusive speaker

Suggested usage: "If I have to listen to that slangwhanger James Carville for one more nanosecond, I'm gonna pop him in the nose. Some day that guy will get the collywobbles at the very mention of my name."

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Tatterdemalion (noun): A person wearing shabby, tattered clothing

Suggested usage: "One would expect that guy from 'Lost' to turn into a sniveling tatterdemalion after a couple months on the island, but surprisingly he looks as attractive and stylish as ever. I'm talking about Hurley, of course."

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If you get a chance to use one of these words today, I want to hear about it. Unless it involves engaging in conversation with an ecdysiast, because that can be sorta dicey.

Ask the Rabbi: Birkat Ha-Chamah

Today is a unique day in Judaism. A lot of you may not be aware of it -- I wasn't until Delaware Ken put it on my radar (he's good at that sort of thing) -- but today is an event that only happens once every 28 years. It's Birkat Ha-Chamah, the blessing of the sun.

To put it in its most simple terms, traditional Jewish teachings assign a specific position of the sun on the day of its creation. When the sun returns to that position, on the same day of the week (the 4th day) as when it was created, the Jews recite a special blessing.

The last such blessing was April 8, 1981. After today, the next won't be until 2037. This one is particularly meaningful because it occurs during Passover Week. I'm not Jewish, so I asked Rabbi Josh Rose (at right) of Congregation HarHaShem in Boulder, Colorado, to explain the significance of this event for us. You might remember Rabbi Josh from the tacky Christian art exchange.
Below he discusses the origins of the event, its significance to Jews, its impact on Creation care and ecological thinking, and what we all can learn from it.

JB: First, can you explain in layman's terms what Birkat Ha-Chama is?

Rabbi Josh: Birkat Ha-Chamah means “Blessing (birkat) of the (ha) Sun (chama).” It happens every 28 years and represents the very moment, according to the calculations of the rabbis in the period of the Talmud, that the sun is in the same position in the sky as it was when it was created. Its coincidence with Passover is spectacularly rare, so there is a lot of excitement within the Jewish community at having an opportunity to perform this mitzvah (commandment). There is a traditional set of readings read as part of the morning service that includes Psalm 150, Psalm 17 and others. We also read the passage from the Talmud describing Birkat Ha-Chamah. The high point is saying the blessing, “Blessed are You, God, Sovereign of the Universe, performer of creation” as the sun actually rises (though you can say it later in the morning).

What is the significance of the 28-year solar cycle between these events? Where did that originate?

The 28-year cycle reflects early rabbinical attempts to draw together the solar cycle and the lunar calendar, which forms the basis of the Jewish liturgical year. Usually we don’t really pay attention to the solar calendar. According to rabbinic tradition, creation took place in the month of Nisan, and as we all know, the sun was created on the fourth day. So the rabbis sought to find the moment when the 4th of Nisan coincided with the Spring equinox. The calculations at that time (which, given their antiquity, were stunningly good) had the solar year at 362.25 days long. We now know that they were off -- by just over 11 minutes. This helps explain why the ceremony is now taking place not on the 4th of Nisan but on the 14th.

What does Birkat Ha-chama mean to Jews, as a whole? Does its occurrence during Passover week add to its significance in any way?

This can give rise to the religion/science debate: “Ah, see that proves that ancient assumptions about the universe have been disproven by science! Hah!” True, but not very interesting to me. I get it: modern science right, ancient world wrong. For me, Birkat Ha-Chamah is one more opportunity to cultivate a sense of awe -- a word that is probably overused in religious language. I would use nora, but few of your readers would know what I’m talking about. We can just sort of slide through the ruts of daily life but the tradition is constantly pushing us out of those ruts to stand in amazement in the face of creation and our existential condition. There is a blessing that we say in the daily morning prayers that thanks God for “renewing each day the works of creation.” Much of the liturgy points the way to seeing God as actively engaged in an ongoing dance with humanity. Not as the Creator who did Cool Things a Long Time Ago but as the One who is currently engaged in sustaining the universe and regenerating it and us. I see Birkat Ha-Chama and its blessing as drawing our attention to this reality. Not that the blessing is not “God who made creation” but rather “God who makes creation.”

Yes, its occurrence during Passover is beautiful. I’ve been learning some Chasidic teachers who describe Passover as an opportunity for hit’chad’shut, or renewal. One of the teachings that I like is that the rabbis really focus in on the word “chodesh” in talking about Passover because in the first commandment in the Torah given to the entire people Israel -- just as they are leaving Egypt -- God says “this chodesh (the month, Nisan) will be for you the rosh chodashim” – the beginning of all the months (i.e. a new year). Our commentators really pick up on the repetition of the word chodesh/chodashim. Chodesh means month and it shares the same root as the word chadash, which means new. So the rabbis interpret the command to mean something like “The Month of Nisan should be the Beginning of Renewal” or “the Beginning of Becoming New.”

I see the coincidence of the renewal of creation (that the sun is revisiting its birthplace, so to speak) and Passover’s potential to offer us personal renewal as we flee our own personal Egyptian bondage as an affirmation of our essential dependence on the created world and as a statement about the link between human freedom on a moral level and our place in the created world. There is ethical content to this: we have to see ourselves as caretakers of our world and to understand that we do not own it -- we are borrowing it and have an obligation “to till and to tend.” This doesn’t mean yay or nay for this environmental policy or the other, but we need to treat the created world as a kind of being with whom we are in relation. There is also, for want of a better word, spiritual content: all of the material world, including us, is in a constant state of flux and renewal. This ceaseless process of birth, death and rebirth challenges our (innate?) sense that we are apart from materiality.

You're a young guy. Is this your first Birkat Ha-Chamah?

It’s my second Birkat Ha-Chamah; the first one during which I’ll be paying attention.

I know it's customary for the blessing to be recited among large gatherings of people. How will you and your congregation be celebrating tomorrow?

I will be leading a 6 am service (sunrise is around 6:30) at the “Sunrise Amphitheatre” in the mountains overlooking Boulder, facing Jerusalem (east). Should be spectacular.

What should it mean, if anything, for Christians like me? Can (or should) it have significance?

There’s probably some secret message of interfaith harmony in the correlation of the Solar/Gregorian and Lunar/Jewish calendars. We could talk about that, but I’d rather encourage you to come join us. Don’t worry -- not everyone is doing this at 6 am. It can be done, according to some rulings, as late as noon.

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Thanks for your insight, Rabbi Josh. For more about Birkat Ha-Chamah, read this detailed FAQ.

If any of you are participating in this blessing, or know someone who is, I'd love to hear from you.

Bart Ehrman and Jesus, Interrupted

Bart Ehrman is the kind of person who fascinates me. Evangelical Christians love conversion stories, but his story goes in the wrong direction. He was raised Episcopalian, then became "born again" in his teens. He headed to Moody Bible Institute for his undergrad degree -- a place where biblical inerrancy wasn't just taught but was a required belief. But it wasn't long before the things he was learning, when it came to scholarly biblical studies, began to shake his fundamentalist faith.

Ehrman got serious about biblical scholarship and transferred from Moody to Wheaton -- as close as evangelicals have to the Ivy League -- where he began studying biblical languages. Eventually he ended up at Princeton Theological Seminary, pursuing a career in biblical academia. The more he learned about the Bible, from its origins and languages to its teachings, the shakier his faith became. Eventually he gave up on traditional Christianity and became an agnostic biblical scholar. Not one of those bomb-throwing atheist guys like Chris Hitchens or Sam Harris, but nevertheless a popularizing scholar who knows Christians, who used to be a Christian, and who's not afraid to make waves among Christians.

Which he did with Misquoting Jesus, a 2005 best-seller that offered a street-level look at contemporary biblical studies and textual criticism -- with a focus on how the Bibles we're reading now aren't exactly what was written by the original authors. (A big problem when many evangelicals attribute the original writing to, well, God.)

Now the James A. Gray Distinguished Professor of Religious Studies at the University of North Carolina, Ehrman has a new book out that will be just as divisive. It's called Jesus, Interrupted, and it picks up where Misquoting Jesus left off: that the New Testament (along with Jesus himself) doesn't exactly teach what Christians think.

I'm looking forward to reading it, not just because I'm a Bible scholarship nerd but because I need to stay reasonably well-informed with Pocket Guide to the Bible being re-released this summer. And because I think Christians need to stay well-informed about Bible scholarship, even if it makes us uncomfortable. Will it be challenging to read? Probably. But I don't mind.

So stay tuned for a review in a few weeks. In the meantime, you might enjoy (or be offended by) this interview with Ehrman in Salon.

You can read some sample chapters from Jesus, Interrupted here.

And here's a video of Ehrman talking about the book. It has a happy little background-music track, which strikes me as funny considering the subject matter.

Mashup: Family Circus + Jonathan Edwards

While taking a shower on Saturday, I had this thought: What if you combined the gentle humor of Family Circus with the hellfire Puritan preaching of the great 18th century American theologian Jonathan Edwards?

The answer, of course, is that you would end up with something very similar to this:










All quotes are taken directly from Edwards' famous sermon, "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God."

The Family Circus comics are from ArcaMax.

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"Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" is a treasure trove of shocking language. I have additional fun with it here and here.

Writer's Mailbag: Endorsements

What's the story with endorsements? That's a question I've been asked on numerous occasions. Those little blurbs on the front and back of books...where do they come from? What's the purpose? How do you get them?

Let's discuss. As you might have gathered from above, those are officially called "endorsements," and they're pretty important. Their job is to do one of two things: 1) Attract the attention of someone to the book, and 2) Establish the author as an authority.

For instance, you're hoping an endorsement will be the final push that convinces a customer to buy your book. Maybe the cover art or the title will catch their attention. The customer will pick your book up off the shelf. But will he or she actually open it and look inside? Possibly, if the endorsement intrigues them. If, on the front page, they read, "This book is so awesome you would have to be stupid not to buy it." -- Jason Boyett, author of the Pocket Guides.
That's an endorsement. A lame one, yes, but an endorsement all the same.

The endorsement is something that distinguishes the book from the crowd. It establishes the credentials of the author, tells the potential reader why the book is important or worth reading, and -- by the immense power of association -- gives the reader a sense of what the book might be like.

Who do you ask?

As mentioned above, association is a big deal when it comes to endorsements. You want someone whose opinion on the subject matters, because you want to create a connection in their minds between their work and your work. It's why the authors of legal thrillers want John Grisham's endorsement. It's why horror or suspense writers long for an endorsement by Stephen King. It's why everyone who writes about hipster spirituality wants Don Miller, and why every religion/culture writer wants AJ Jacobs.

Endorsers need to be one of two things: 1) Someone with a high-enough profile to impress a reader by association. OR, 2) It needs to be someone who may not be famous but has an impressive title or area of expertise (like a retired New York City police detective endorsing a police procedural set in New York City -- you probably haven't heard of him, but if he's impressed, then maybe the book is worth your money). In most cases, however, other writers end up being the best endorsers, because they can turn a clever phrase. And because writers like to help each other out.

How do you get endorsements?

You ask. At some point in the publication process, there is a six-week period or so where endorsements are being gathered. It usually occurs when the manuscript is in something of a final state -- it's either in edited manuscript form or a preliminary galleys form (galleys: it looks like a typeset book). You set a deadline, you identify potential endorsers, and you send them the book to read.

Sometimes the publisher handles this for you. They get in touch with the potential endorser and ask them very nicely. Sometimes this works, but not always. Asking someone to read an entire book and compose a thoughtful, entertaining sentence or two about it is a big thing to ask. It takes time to read a book -- and people are busy -- so asking for an endorsement is a asking for a big favor.

With my earlier books, before I knew anyone in publishing, my publisher did most of the asking. I didn't end up with much (other than the brilliant endorsement by Jerry Jenkins for Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse...he declined endorsement when my publisher asked, but ended up giving me one when I followed up personally -- it's a long story). Once I made some connections in the industry, though, I've done the asking. This is because I prefer to make the request to people I already have a relationship with. It's not always a direct relationship -- a few of my endorsers for the new Pocket Guide books were friends of friends. But I had enough of a connection with them to feel confident enough to ask them personally for the favor.

I sent a preliminary email about the new series and asked if they'd be open to reading Pocket Guide to Sainthood and Pocket Guide to the Afterlife for a potential endorsement. If they emailed back and said, "Sure!" then I sent them the manuscript and a deadline. Along the way, I also sent out a few reminders that the deadline was approaching. Just because I know how writers are...and because I need those reminders, too.

Will you tell me more about your endorsements for the Pocket Guide series?

Wow. Of course I will. What an accommodating question-asker you are! You fit perfectly within my nakedly self-promotional scheme!

Since we're releasing the Pocket Guides as a series, my publisher and I decided not to try to get endorsements for each particular book. With three books and 3-5 endorsements per book, that's a lot. So we targetted potential endorsers who could say something about the series as a whole, or my personal writing style, or something to that effect. A general, series-wide endorsement.

And because these books target mainstream readers more than Christian bookstore readers -- they're educational and snarky, after all -- we focused especially on mainstream authors who wrote about religion but weren't really operating within the Christian "bubble."

So the series ended up with endorsements from, yes, AJ Jacobs (author of The Year of Living Biblically), Daniel Radosh (author of Rapture Ready!), Robert Lanham (author of The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right) and Lauren Sandler (author of Righteous), plus a handful of others. I was thrilled with what we ended up with, and am indebted to these authors for the favor.

I won't give away the farm quite yet, but here are a couple:

"Jason Boyett's Pocket Guides are smart and hilarious. And they're sneaky too: You don't realize how much you're learning because you're having so much fun."
-- AJ Jacobs, author of The Year of Living Biblically

"Irreverent, illuminating and packed with thousands more 21st century pop culture references than the Bible, the Qur’an and the Bhagavad Gita combined. Boyett’s Pocket Guide series is a one-stop religion degree without the annoyances of financial aid payments or the medieval club."
-- Robert Lanham, author of The Sinner's Guide to the Evangelical Right

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And if I didn't answer any additional burning questions you might have about endorsements, leave a comment. I'll answer.

Jason's Guide to Making Money on eBay

That was a shameless headline-grabber of a post title, but I just had to tell this story because it's so weird. I need an outlet. Since none of you happen to be standing in my vicinity near a water cooler, this venue will have to do.

My wife and I had some Christmas gift money we wanted to use to buy a Flip Ultra Series Camcorder. It's not the newest product, but it fit within our price range and will definitely be an upgrade over the 8mm camcorder we bought in 2000 when our daughter was born.

(Jason, you're saying. An 8mm tape-based video camera? Seriously? Get with the times, bro.)

Agreed, though it's weird that you called me "bro." I wouldn't have pegged you as a "bro" kind of reader.

Anyway. We know that eBay is usually a great place to get new products for a lower price than almost anywhere else. We've always had good experiences buying stuff off eBay, so I began to look. I found some. I participated in a few auctions. I set a limit, and stopped bidding when the price got too high.

Finally, I won a new-in-box white Flip Ultra on eBay for $106.51 with free shipping. (By comparison, you can buy a new one on Amazon right now for $115.95 plus free shipping. The original retail price for these is $149.99.)

So, good news, right? I arranged to pay with PayPal and everything was supposed to be easy. That was mid-February.

Two weeks later, we hadn't received the camera or heard anything from the buyer. I sent an email through eBay. Where's our camera? What's the status? The reply: the seller was not able to use PayPal suddenly due to a credit card issue. Would I mind paying instead with a money order?

Yes, in fact I would mind, I replied. Because money orders are less convenient. And the auction said payment would be through PayPal from the beginning, so I emailed this back: Yes, I'll pay via money order if you'll reduce the price to $100. For the inconvenience.

The seller agreed to that -- pretty reasonably, I think -- and promised we'd see the camera soon. A week later, we got a box in the mail from Amazon, with that model of camera inside. No other information was included. No communication from the seller that we'd be getting it from Amazon. No message with a name and address for the money order. Nothing. Just an anonymous box on our doorstep.

So I emailed again: Dear Seller -- Um...this box we got from Amazon. I guess it's from you, right?

Again, no response. Two days later, we got another anonymous box from Buy.com. Same camera model inside. Again, no other information from the seller.

Now we have two of the cameras, and I'm really confused. I have heard zilch from the seller. No name. No address. I'm uncomfortable opening and using the camera without having sent a money order, so we just leave them in the boxes, unopened. I'd won the camera on eBay a month earlier -- but I don't know which camera to use, or which one to return, and why did I have two cameras anyway? Seriously. For the love of the Interwebs, what's going on here?

So I send more emails asking for 1) an explanation; 2) that the seller will cover the cost to return one of the cameras; 3) for a name for the money order; 4) for an address for the money order. Two more weeks pass. I send more emails. Nothing. Good gravy.

Finally, yesterday I get an email back from the seller saying, um, they mistakenly sent me two cameras. (!) Would I be willing to pay for the second camera at a discount so they wouldn't have to deal with the inconvenience of handling the return of the second camera?

Grrrr.

I sat down to reply to that email with smoke coming out of my ears. Yes, I told them. Let me prevent you from being inconvenienced. In the interest of ending this idiotic process and being able to actually use the camera I bought weeks ago, I will gladly pay for the second camera. For the amount of $15. And this needs to end. I added $15 to our original price. Agree to that and we'll say it's done. And I also used some other words like "frustrating" and "unprofessional" and "ridiculous."

That was yesterday. I heard back this morning. Here's my address, the seller said. (Finally!) Here's the name for the money order. (Finally!) You can pay $110 for both cameras.

My reply? Deal.

So to recap, I bought one camera for $106. Six weeks later, I have two of those cameras. For six weeks of annoyance, I get to buy the second camera -- which has been sitting unopened in a Buy.com box in my bedroom for four weeks now -- for $4.

I'm gonna sell the extra camera on eBay.

That's how I got two nice video cameras for the price of one. When I sell the second one, it'll make the first one virtually free. Follow my step-by-step advice and you can do the same, as long as you find a crazy person to buy the first camera from.

How Important Is Your Little Toe?

If you haven't made its acquaintance, let me introduce you to Soul Pancake. It's an interesting place, wrapped around the idea of exploring the intersections of creativity, spirituality, and philosophy. The site asks: Where do you go on the Interwebs if you want an irreverent, fun, and profound take on God and Art and the Soul and Faith and Beauty?

And every day it answers that question -- you go to Soul Pancake -- in some interesting ways. Also, FYI: One of the site's founders and first causes was Rainn Wilson. Dwight, from The Office. Yes, it's a little quirky.

Anyway, yesterday the Soul Pancakers asked a question that got me thinking, and I want to pass the question on to you. Here it is:

Write a list of five things you'd be willing to chop off your pinky-toe for. In other words, what do you want, and how much do you want it?

That's interesting, because I'm not that attached to my pinky-toe. And I can deal with pain. So it turns out I can think of a lot of things I'd give up a virtually useless little piggy to ensure.

But here's my top five, in no particular order:

1. Find a cure for cancer. I put this one first because it's the least selfish. But, yeah, I'd go through a moment of pain and some mild disfigurement to keep people from dying.

2. Solve world hunger and solve the world's water problem. I'd also do it for this, because once you fix those things you fix a lot of other problems, too. What a humanitarian I am!

3. Two million dollars. I've decided that $2 million is all I would need to live a comfortable life without having to worry about having a job. Sure, I'd probably still have a job -- I'm far from the kind of person who can just do nothing all day -- but I wouldn't need a job. By carefully investing $2,000,000, I could pretty easily make a 4% return every year. That's $80,000. That's plenty comfortable. I could not only live on that amount, I could raise my family on it very nicely. That's worth a toe. So let's make this very clear: I would chop off a toe for $2 million. Just in case you'd like to test me on it.

4. A guarantee of old-age death for my immediate family. This one sounds weird, but think it through. We're all gonna die. I can accept that. What I don't want to happen is for anyone I love to die early. If you could somehow guarantee that my wife, my kids, my parents and siblings would all live long enough to die a happy, peaceful death from old age -- as opposed to an accident, or sickness -- then my toe is yours. Heck, I'd give you BOTH pinkies for this one.

5. To save another person's life. I can't for the world think of an instance where this would be necessary, but if a personal pinky-toe amputation was required in order to save the life of another person, I wouldn't hesitate. Granted, I might ask someone for $2 million afterwards -- an insurance company, perhaps? -- but I'd chop a toe even if I got nothing in return. Your life is worth a small, ugly toe digit.

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I'd love to read your list of five things you'd give up a toe over. If you're interested, you can read the comments to the question as it was posed at Soul Pancake.