Tacky Christian Art, Part 2: More Thoughts

Last week's post about the Jesus/Junkie Christian art was a popular one. A few commenters thought I (and others) were a little mean in critiquing the painting. A bunch of other commenters jumped right into the fray, finding a lot of things to either 1) question or 2) make fun of in the piece.

It lead to some good discussions about criticism, drug use, inspiration, and hurt feelings. (In other words, just a normal Thursday dinnertime discussion around the Boyett family table.)

Rimshot!

But most of the commenting took place on Thursday and Friday, and I'm afraid many of you may have missed an interesting discussion on Sunday. Rabbi Josh Rose, of Congregation HarHaShem in Boulder, Colorado, jumped in with some challenging insight. Here it is:

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I'm a rabbi, so I have no use for this work at all, but your post on this, as well as the chorus of eager-to-agree commenters, strike me as - well, as cheap as the painting.

Much more interesting than the painting and the culture that helped create it is the culture that gave rise to the comments on the page tearing it apart. There is a bland and sorry uniformity, all too familiar: educated and probably over educated middle class Americans, many but not all of them male with a tendency to be contemptuous of religious ideas and to express that contempt with smug irony.

Of course the comments you make about the painting are "right" - of course the thing is cheesy when seen through the lens that now seems permanently affixed in front of the gaze of intellectual and pseudo-intellectual culture in our country. But the gaze of that lens is so predictable and tired. Wouldn't it be more interesting and even useful to explore what the painting is really getting at and why it is so meaningful to many people?

...Your attacks are too easy. Just way too easy. And why does it bother you so much? The guy is making art that, I agree, has an air of cheapness, but that brings satisfaction to people who need it. Are we scared of what may be, in spite of its unfashionably simple aesthetics, its authenticity and power in this respect?

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My first thought is "guilty as charged." I attacked the cheapness of the art by making fun of the nunchucks -- the first thing that caught my attention once I turned my gaze away from the freaky muscle-tat Jesus arm. Why did the nunchucks capture my attention? Probably because of my tendency to gravitate toward smugness and irony at the expense of certain religious ideas. Because it was easier to make fun of the surface of the art than it was to really get to the heart of it.

I was about to reply, though, in defense of you guys...most of whom, I'm thinking, are operating (like me) not out of contempt for religious ideas but out of a passion for them -- and a passion that they not be cheapened by tacky art.

But my Interwebs friend Ken came to our defense quickly and eloquently while I was writing my own reply. He said this:

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OK, here's the thing -- Some of us have had the misfortune of growing up in a faith community that has forsaken its own rich heritage in art, music, and literature in exchange for the cute and/or sincere. For centuries, it was artists immersed in an understanding of faith that produced art that challenged, art that required time and discipline to fully appreciate, art that could be returned to time and again for fresh inspiration.

Then, in the early 1800s, the American church went through a transformation that emphasized the emotional over the intellect. Most of the protestant church became anti-intellectual. This led to a complete disregard for art, literature, and music -- unless it could be used for cheap sloganeering, the modern American protestants didn't want anything to do with it.

Today, some of us are trying desparately to raise the standard when it comes to art produced in the name of our faith.

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Rabbi Josh jumps back in:

So, acknowledging what you said about growing up in an anti-intellectual Christian environment, and recognizing how this would color your view of the painting, I just want to say that I get it.

I think though that in religious dialogue and critique it is useful to come to the discussion with an assumption of the other person's seriousness. I failed to do this in my own sharply worded evaluation of the comments on this page, and so I missed the context of what was written (the stultifying religious b/g to which you allude).

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And it goes on from there. Read the full exchange here.

I really appreciate Josh calling us to task for being, perhaps, overly critical of nunchucks and playing cards when it might be more constructive not to go for the easy laugh. I think I head down that road too often -- here as well as in my other writing. That's kind of the point of my books -- to combine humor with education -- but probably shouldn't be my default attitude. But I also appreciate Ken beating me to the punch in explaining that many of us are tired of cheap art being praised simply because it's about Jesus. Whether it's modern worship music (if I hear another Lord/adore rhyming couplet I will personally rip out your faux-hawk, Mr. Worship Leader) or Precious Moments figurines or Thomas Kincaid paintings, I wish Christians would show a little more passion for the quality of art than for its popularity. Or its inspirational value. Or whatever. Just because it's available in a Christian bookstore or the artist signs his name with an ichthus or because it has Jesus in it, doesn't mean it's good. And it doesn't mean I -- as a Christian -- have to like it.

Produce the art, sell the art, be inspired by the art all you want. No way would I try to censor you. But I reserve the right to be critical of the skill, the subject matter, the sincerity of the artist, everything. Christian subject matter should not insulate anyone from either criticism or the pursuit of excellence.

That said, I found the Jesus-Junkie art to be offensive because of two primary reasons:

1) It was so ham-handed and over-the-top in its depiction of drug use. That lack of subtlety, while funny, seemed totally tone-deaf. From the nunchucks to the skull, there are better and more artistic ways to portray violence and death. A lack of subtlety grates on me like sitcom laugh-tracks grate on me after having watched great comedies -- like "Arrested Development" and "30 Rock" -- that don't need them.

2) I get really annoyed by pretty white-guy depictions of Jesus. Put muscles on a pretty white-guy Jesus and steam comes out of my ears. Mockery follows. And that wasn't even the worst of this guy's paintings. The most egregious one is right here. It's awful. Jesus: ripped, blow-dried, and ready to punch people for sport.

Now I'll say something nice about the artist. You know what I really like about his work? Even though they occasionally cross the line into creepy grinning, I like that he paints a lot of happy, smiling Christs. You don't see a whole lot of those, which is something I've blogged about before. So good job, Art4God guy.

Wild Thing, I Think I Love You

As a dad, a lover of kids' books, and a fan of Spike Jonze, I'm pretty excited about this movie. Who's with me?

Two Reasons Not to Blog Today

I had a whole lot of visitors to this blog on Wednesday thanks to the Jesus art, and a really committed blogger would post something really great today to build on that traffic spike, but I just can't do it.

For the following reasons:

1. Today is a snow day in Amarillo. Blizzard warning. School is canceled. The interstate highways are closed. Drifts of up to 10 feet are predicted. (By the way, it was a nice 60-degree spring day yesterday.) So the kids are home this morning, I'm home, and we're all hanging out. Who wants to blog when you can, you know, live?

(He said while writing a short blog post.)

2. Tonight is my annual fantasy baseball auction draft, one I participate in with 20 other guys I've known forever. One of my favorite nights of the year. Starts at 6 pm and will end in the wee hours of the morning. And if you think a blizzard will keep us from doing this, then obviously you don't know how seriously we take fantasy baseball. Anyway, no time to blog. Gotta research players and work on my budgets and spreadsheets!

[/end geekery]

That's enough, right? Priorities.

Have a happy Friday.

Find Your Way Home

Yesterday's post was not-so-serious, so I'll balance things out (perhaps karmically?) by calling attention to a book and organization that impresses me.

Thistle Farms is a non-profit business operated by the women who live at Magdalene, a two-year residential community in Nashville. The women at Magdalene have survived lives most of us can hardly comprehend, from prostitution and addiction to violence and abuse. They come to Magdalene to recover and start over, and Magdalene offers them a safe place -- filled with compassion, discipline, and community -- for up to two years. Totally free.

There, the women operate Thistle Farms, a business creating (and selling) natural bath and body products. This helps them gain job skills and learn to work in a cooperative, professional business environment. They've chosen the thistle for their name because thistles grow on the streets these women used to walk. Thistles are prickly weeds on the outside, but there's a lot happening under the surface -- they have deep roots and a soft, beautiful center. Turns out that's a nice metaphor for the women behind the business.

The women of Thistle Farms aren't just soap-makers, though. Along with Magdalene founder Becca Stevens, they've written a book called Find Your Way Home: Words from the Street, Wisdom from the Heart, published by Abingdon Press, which packages up their street- and life-tested wisdom -- along with some heartbreaking story snippets from their lives -- into a nice little paperback gift book.

A sample from p. 21 of the book: I have a broken body...I have jumped off hotel roofs to avoid the police ad have survived being stabbed. My body wants to be medicated to forget the brokenness and all the times I abused it to get a fix. On my best days I know even this broken mess of a body is a temple of spirit. I am trying to hold onto the knowledge that I began with God and I am God's child.

Great stuff. You can buy the book at Amazon. Read the Voices of Thistle Farms blog, and head there if you'd like to make a donation. Go order something from Thistle Farms.

A lot of us probably need to do at least one of these things after laughing at yesterday's Christ of the Junkies painting.

Please Explain This Christian Art

Oh boy. So at his tumblr blog, Trying to Follow, Ariah Fine posted the illustration below and asked for comments. Jesus has suffered quite a few indignities at the hands of Christian artists over the last few decades (I attribute this to "the rise of the Christian bookstore" and "Thomas Kincaid"). But this is perhaps the worst. Please take a deep breath, clear your head, and take this in:



This print is by the artist Stephen Sawyer and is called "Calvary." You can find out more about it at Art4God.

Yes, Art4God.

I have some questions. And comments. I will now share them with you.

1. You know how we know the dude in the black shirt is a bad dude? Because he is drinking alcohol. And smoking cigarettes. Also he has some joints rolled up in that dish. And a white powder that looks like cocaine. And also a spoon. I'm no drug expert, but I don't even think spoons are for the powdered kinds of cocaine. I think spoons are for crack. So there's some crack there, too. We haven't even gotten to the heroin part yet and already this guy is the Liberace of recreational drug use. (No, I don't know what that means.)

2. I think this artist is being too subtle about the drugs.

3. Further evidence of the character's badness: there's also an empty pill bottle on the table. So he's not just into street drugs, but prescription ones, too. And he plays cards, which is apparently an evil pastime as well. Also there's a gun. Bad dudes have guns. And if you'll look closely, there is a pair of nunchucks hanging from the doorknob. It's a little-known fact that both Pol Pot and Saddam Hussein had nunchucks hanging from their doorknobs. Furthermore, the paint is peeling off his wall. Bad dudes don't keep their walls painted.

4. Also, there is a human skull artfully arranged on his side table. I have friends who are police detectives, and I assure you this: when confronted with a murder suspect, the first question they ask is "Do you have a human skull on your side table?" If the suspect answers in the affirmative, nine times out of ten they have found their killer.

5. The only other reason to have a human skull on your side table is if you are an actor performing in Hamlet, and you are playing the character of the gravedigger, and you have taken the skull home as a prop. Alas, poor Yorick.

6. This guy could be Robert Downey, Jr. prior to his rehab.

7. Let's talk about the physical arrangement of the violent druggie and Jesus. Is the druggie injecting heroin into his own arm or has he tucked his arm into Jesus' side, which means he is injecting heroin into the arm of Christ?

8. If so, Jesus is a) ripped and b) has some kickin' tats.

9. Also, the Jewish carpenter from 1st century Palestine is remarkably white, has a well-trimmed beard, and may in fact be a beefed-up Kenny Loggins.

10. Not sure what that handprint is doing on the door. Maybe he works in a print shop and always has dirty hands? Or maybe it suggests his squalor. In case the peeling paint was too subtle.

11. I'm confused as to the meaning of this painting, but I have some ideas. You can help me sort them out by voting on an explanatory caption. Which do you prefer?

A) Jesus took the punishment for sinners on the cross. This includes contemporary drug users, and it looks like it hurt.

B) Jesus identified with the least of these, so when a druggie finds a vein, he has injected the Lord himself with smack.

C) Jesus is with you always, even if you do hard drugs. He's so close, sometimes you don't even know whose arm to poke.

D) What started as an innocent piggyback ride turned deadly when, suddenly, Vinnie sat down next to the skull and pulled out his heroin kit.

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I'm kidding, of course. It's too easy to make fun of this painting. But for the life of me, I don't understand it. What's the message? And can you GET any more heavy-handed in the depiction of the fallenness of Vinnie the drug user? (Yes, I'm calling him Vinnie.) The only thing missing is a Black Sabbath poster on the wall and a can of Skoal on the table.

If you've figured it out, I'd love your explanation.

If you have a print of this painting on your wall, I'd also love your explanation.

UPDATE: Brody Harper has actually met the painter before. He (Brody) was not impressed.

QOD: What Podcasts Do You Download?

Two of the questions I've been asked multiple times are: 1) why don't you have a podcast? and 2) what podcasts do you listen to?

To answer #1: I've got enough going on already. Don't have time to plan, record, and produce a podcast. Unless you're interested in a podcast of me typing.

To answer #2: See below.

First, a few words about how I listen to podcasts. I have a little 2nd generation iPod shuffle (the silver one with the clip). But rarely do I listen to music on my iPod. It's almost always podcasts. Why? I don't know. I like to multitask, but I can't listen to anything when I'm writing. It's too distracting (including music). So anytime I'm doing something mindless, like working out, jogging, riding my bike to and from the office, working in the yard, or driving long distances, I like to listen to podcasts. I save them up.

Here are a few of my favorite podcasts right now. You'll probably notice a trend:

NPR Books: A great resource for author interviews, book reviews, and other industry news, compiled from NPR programs like All Things Considered and Morning Edition.

NPR It's All Politics: Ken Rudin and Ron Elving are NPR's political analysts and are Washington insiders who deliver great insight into what's going on. I got hooked on them during the presidential campaign, and they've proven valuable during the early days of this administration as well.

NPR Pop Culture: A wrap-up of the week's pop culture stories from NPR's various programming. Always good for interesting music, television, and movie news.

NPR Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me: My favorite weekly news quiz. Download it for the always-funny panel members, stay for the compelling "Not My Job" guests. I am not too proud to admit that, some day, I'd like to join Mo Rocca, Tom Bodett, PJ O'Rourke, Paula Poundstone and others as a regular panelist. A Pocket Guide writer can dream, can't he?

Chicago Public Radio's This American Life: One of my favorites by far. From a storytelling pespective, I'm always amazed by the stuff Ira Glass and friends are able to produce. February's "Bad Bank" episode was brilliant, and the best explanation of the current banking crisis I've heard yet. If you listen to one podcast for either education or entertainment, I'd recommend this one.

Slate's Political Gabfest: Another politics podcast that grabbed me during the election, with John Dickerson, David Plotz, and Emily Bazelon. All great writers with interesting perspectives.

The New Yorker Out Loud: I don't subscribe to the New Yorker, but I do enjoy its weekly podcast. It features an interview with one of its writers about their work in the current issue. A good overview of the story, with occasional background into the writing/research process.

CBS Sports Fantasy Baseball Podcast: Because I'm a nerd and my big fantasy baseball keeper league auction is this Friday night. If you those last few words made absolutely no sense to you, then I won't even try to explain why this is one of my favorite nights of the year.

Mars Hill Bible Church: Rob Bell sermons. I used to be pretty caught up, but got way behind while writing the last book. I've listened to other sermon podcasts over the years (Tim Keller, John Ortberg, Matt Chandler, Greg Boyd), but Rob's are the ones that stick with me, and which I always tend to stick back to.

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Those are what I'm currently downloading each week. What about you? What are your favorite podcasts?

World Water Day

Yesterday was World Water Day, which was was initiated by the United Nations in 2005 to draw focus to the global crisis for 1.1 billion people who lack safe drinking water. I want to do my part in observing World Water Day -- and, yes, to be honest, it really is the least I can do -- by calling attention once more to my friends at Healing Waters International. This organization celebrated its role in helping resolve the world's water crisis by giving away free water yesterday at each of the nearly 70 water purification systems they have built in the Dominican Republic, Mexico, and Guatemala. I've visited several of their sites in the DR, and the work they do is impressive.

Since 2002, Healing Waters has distributed almost 75 million gallons of safe drinking water to poor communities in developing countries. The purified water is sold at a highly affordable price, less than a third the retail price, in order to provide sustainability to the water systems run by local partners (usually churches) while still making it accessible to the poorest in the communities.

Here's what makes Healing Waters unique, though: They're not just distributing water. The organization's model is focused on sustainability along with personal and community transformation. The water is usually purified at stations staffed by local churches, which connects people to the church. The churches are put in a position of serving their communities, which connects the church to the people. Everyone benefits. More than 110,000 people in poor, urban slums get their daily drinking water from Healing Waters sites. Additionally, the projects have put nearly $500,000 back into their neighborhoods with community service funds (which is a requirement for churches receiving their systems) and have donated more than 3 million gallons to local schools (another requirement). Every $50 donated to Healing Waters International since they began has provided safe drinking water for life to another person.

Let me say that again: For $50, you can provide safe drinking water for life to a person in an urban slum in the Dominican Republic, Mexico, or Guatemala. Or, you know, you can go to Starbucks a dozen times this month.

To donate to Healing Waters and bring water for life to the poor, click here.

Right now, if you choose to sign up to be on the Healing Waters mailing list, you'll receive a free hand-woven Mayan Bracelet.

I've written more about Healing Waters here, here, and here.

Confessions: I Read (and Enjoyed) Twilight

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to read more. Specifically, to read 12 books. Which sounds like a lame goal, but considering that I spend a lot of my free time writing my own books and working on other writing assignments, is about as do-able as I can manage.

The good news is that, so far, I'm on pace. It's March. I just finished my fourth book of 2009. And they were long books.

The bad news -- at least for some of you, I suspect -- is that you might be less than satisfied with the books I read. (Some of you, though, will be thrilled.) Here they are:

1. Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer
2. New Moon, by Stephenie Meyer
3. Eclipse, by Stephenie Meyer
4. Breaking Dawn, by Stephenie Meyer

That's right: I read all four books in the Twilight Saga and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Before I tell you what in the world I was doing engrossing myself in the bestselling series of vampire romance books for teen girls, I first want to acknowledge that I'm probably not in the target demographic. I also want to make it clear that I didn't wake up on January 1 and decide to read them. I was approached by a publisher sometime in the middle of the month and asked if I was interested in writing a pop-culturish book about vampires, in order to coattail on the whole Twilight phenomenon.

I was skeptical from the beginning -- other than a love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my interest in vampires has been pretty much non-existent. And at the time, I hadn't read any Anne Rice and was pretty unfamiliar with Twilight. So I decided I'd better start reading in order to make an informed decision on the project.

Ultimately I turned the project down, as vampires didn't seem to fit within my publishing goals or the "Jason Boyett" brand (to use a marketing term). But once I started reading Twilight, I wanted to finish the series. I made time to finish the series. To steal from Bryan Allain's "Cannarf" rating system, the books rose above my expectations. I was pleasantly surprised by the strength of the story.

Two things to note:

1. Stephenie Meyer may have been writing YA novels for girls, but she can tell a good story and create a compelling world. I was hooked by the plot and storytelling despite the pulpy writing. I wasn't drawn in as much by the romantic dreaminess of Edward Cullen as I was by the story arc, which was creative, suspenseful, and fulfilling.

2. No, Stephenie Meyer is not the world's best writer if you're judging on technical prowess or the beauty of her prose. It's pretty boilerplate stuff, as Stephen King has pointed out (in what some might suggest was a pot-kettle-black moment). But she's successful in that she turned a great idea into a well-plotted series of books written for a specific audience, and she did so with excellence. This led to the incredible word-of-mouth that drove book sales into the millions. And those things, when combined with some good luck, are required for a book to become a runaway bestseller.

Do I recommend them? Sure. I think most open-minded readers will enjoy them, as long as you're not looking for something high-brow, or literary, or not about mythological creatures with stunning good looks, charisma, and self-control. Probably women more than men. But that's to be expected, right?

Anyway, that's my confession. Have you read the Twilight books? If so, what did you think?

Longing for a Prosthetic Finger Drive

The Telegraph reported a fascinating story yesterday about a computer programmer in London who lost a finger in a motorcycle accident. No big news there. I know all kinds of computer programmers who've lost fingers in motorcycle accidents. Don't we all?

The interesting thing is that this guy -- his name is Jerry Jalava, which sounds totally made-up but is apparently real -- had a prosthetic finger made to give him a full ten digits again. Only the prosthetic can, um, "peel back" to reveal a 2-gig USB device, which he can then detach and plug into a computer. Here's what it looks like:



Let me quote Mr. Jalava, who explains his now-digital fake digit: "It is not attached permanently in to my body, it is a removable prosthetic which has USB memorystick inside it," he said. "When I'm using the USB, I just leave my finger inside the slot and pick it up after I'm ready."

Of course.

This is brilliant, inspiring news. I know most of you have long wished that you could always have a portable hard drive available just like your pinky finger is available. This has inspired me to compile a list of options. If ever I lost a finger in a motorcycle accident, what might I replace it with?

1. A Butterfinger candy bar holder. Because sometimes you are hungry for a crispety, buttery, chocolately treat, but you just don't have the time to, you know, reach for something. If the Butterfinger was always there, how convenient would that be?

2. A powerful magnet. If someone spills a box of paperclips at work, you could be all, "Stand back, friends and coworkers!" and proceed to pick the paperclips up with your very hand! People would be amazed.

3. A powerful vacuum. If someone spills a box of sawdust at work, you could be all, "Stand back, friends and coworkers!" and proceed to clean up that sawdust with your swooshy suck of a hand. More amazement for sure.

4. A meat thermometer. You know how you'll be at a cookout and the guy at the grill will want to know if the steak has been cooked to the desired level of doneness? And he has to go inside and get the meat thermometer and how everyone's just standing around waiting for him to finish up so they can eat already? Not anymore. Now you can stick your finger in the meat and advise the cook. Then everyone will enjoy their steaks while applauding your efficiency.

5. Chalk. People always freak out when people scrape their fingernails on a chalkboard. You can punk them by pretending to do the same. Only you don't have fingernails! You have chalk for a finger! They will be astounded at the straight line you drew and thrilled that you didn't just give them the serious heebie-jeebies.

6. Bullets. Let's just say, when you're playing pretend cops and robbers with your friends and they extend their forefingers as pretend guns and pretend to shoot you, you'll actually have converted your finger into a gun barrel, with real bullets chambered in your wrist. This will give you a distinct advantage over those losers with pretend guns.

7. A flag that comes out with text that reads "Bang!" Because that would be a good joke after you shot out the real bullets a couple of times.

8. An MP3 player loaded with cartoonish sound effects. Then you could instruct your Ritalin-deprived nephew to "pull [your] finger," and oh what funny sounds would result! He might start riding motorcycles, recklessly, just for the chance to have his own bionic finger.

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So what would you replace your amputated finger with?

Re-Post: St. Patrick

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, here's last year's post about the famed patron saint of Ireland, in the form of some background information from my upcoming book, Pocket Guide to Sainthood. It was originally posted on this date in 2008.

St. Patrick
Ireland (5th century)
Feast day: March 17
Also known as: Patricius, Naomh Pádraig, Gaewyn

Sure, the dragon-slayers and hermits and pillar-sitters have been weird, but here’s where sainthood really gets fun, because: Pirates! St. Patrick, Ireland’s beloved saint and the sole reason for the existence of green beer, was born in Britain. But as a teenager, he was kidnapped by -- wait for it -- pirates and sold as a slave to an Irish landowner. The master forced the young lad to tend sheep, and Patrick whiled away the long, boring hours by praying. A lot. By his account, up to a hundred times a day. Several years into his slavery, God appeared to him in a dream and told him to head for the coast. So Paddy escaped (or was freed…the historical account is fuzzy), traveled some 200 miles to a seaport, befriended a few burly sailors, and enjoyed a little more adventure on the high seas before returning to his family.

Patrick then entered the church and began training for the priesthood. Before long, another vision -- in this one he heard the people of Ireland calling him “to come and walk among us” -- convinced him to return to the land of his slavery. So he did, and is known for a variety of pious activities there which may or may not have actually occurred. These include the following:

a) performing countless miracles and converting thousands of people, including pagan kings and their entire kingdoms;

b) explaining the concept of the Trinity by using a three-leaf shamrock; and...

c) driving all the snakes out of Ireland by herding them into the sea, which is why he is often depicted with a handful of slithery companions. It should be noted that the surrounded-by-water, post-glacial geography of Ireland has never been a very good snake habitat, so giving St. Patrick credit for the lack of snakes in Ireland is like giving Frank Sinatra credit for the lack of polar bears in Las Vegas. Most historians think the “snakes” are a metaphor for the pagan Druids.

Obligatory Weird Miracle Story: Legend has it that a druid chieftain named Dichu tried to stop Patrick from entering Ireland as a missionary. Dichu lifted his sword to smite him, but Dichu’s arm suddenly became rigid, and he was unable to move it until he pledged his obedience to Patrick. And thus Dichu became the saint’s first convert.

Random Fact: Some historical sources claim St. Patrick died in 461. But the Annals of Ulster, an ancient chronicle of Irish history, report that Patrick was born in 373 and died in 493. The Pocket Guide can’t solve the matter, but this is certain: Living another three decades after everyone thinks you’ve died? No picnic.

...

Read more about Patrick in "St. Patrick Revealed" at Slate.

And here's Dan Kimball with some thoughts about Patrick's missionary prowess.

Interview: Jen from Cake Wrecks

March is articles month for me, apparently. I've had eight assignments due by April 1, for various print and online publications, so I've been plugging away at these. One of them is for a new online venture -- I'm not allowed to discuss it yet (secret!) -- but they assigned me a profile of Jen from Cake Wrecks.

Some of you will be thrilled to have just read that sentence, because you love the Cake Wrecks blog and you love Jen and despite having landed a book deal and opened herself up to a few interviews recently (one here, another here), she's still pretty mysterious and indie-cool.

Others of you have no idea what I'm talking about. Jen? Cake Wrecks? If this is you, then open a new tab in your browser, click over to Cake Wrecks, and have fun for a few minutes. If you come back -- quite possibly a big "if" -- then you can thank me in the comments. Because even if you don't bake...even if you don't like cake...even if you don't like to laugh...Cake Wrecks is still a really cool blog.

Now that you're back, I'm gonna let slip a couple of Jen's emailed answers to my interview questions, just because I'm pretty sure they're not the kinds of questions she gets asked very often.

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Jason: Many of your readers seem to appreciate the "cleanness" of your blog, especially when there are plenty of opportunities for you to go toward the seamier side of humor. Is this a deliberate decision on your part? Is it a reflection of your personality or beliefs?

Jen: It's true I aim to keep Wrecks at a PG rating, mostly because that's how I like my own entertainment. With that said, my sense of humor can be a little less family-friendly than what I showcase on Wrecks -- not much, mind you, but a little. As the site grew more popular, though, I realized I'd rather err on the side of less-offensive. If I didn't care about my reader's preferences I might use a smidge more language (just for emphasis, when I think it's funny) and more innuendo than I do now. However, I do care, and I know that a lot of moms out there read Cake Wrecks with their kids. So, I adjust my writing style a little. [My husband] John calls this "self-censorship."I call it "not a big deal."

And yes, this absolutely is a reflection of my personality and beliefs. I think swearing shows a lack of creativity, so unless it's mild and for the sake of the joke, I don't. (And certainly never in person.) I also don't feature X-rated cakes (which I get a lot of -- and believe me, some of that stuff is downright traumatizing) or the hugely gory stuff because I don't like looking at them personally. There is a kind of humor that seeks to shock or disgust, but that's not something I want on Cake Wrecks -- with the exception of a few gross foot cakes, of course.

Jason: I get the feeling from the Cake Wrecks tone, along with the occasional non-cake related post, that you may come from a religious background. Am I correct? Would you be willing to explain anything along these lines?

Jen: Sure. I'm a Christian, and grateful to be one. I don't ever want to be seen as hiding my faith on Wrecks, but then again I don't intend to use the site as a soapbox, either. It's a humor site: I'm there to make people laugh. If folks detect whiffs of morality or certain religious leanings there, it's only because that's who I am. I believe I have a Creator who gave me these abilities, and I want to do everything I can to use them to benefit others. Whether that means making people laugh on Wrecks, or painting inner-city homes through our church's community volunteer program, I want to give more than I take from this world.

I realize that some of my readers will be disappointed to hear that I'm "religious," but it's my hope that by living my life, doing what I do, I can show that even "one of those people" can have a sense of humor, like sci-fi, and maybe even be a decent human being -- or at least one who spreads more joy than hate in this life.

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When the full profile is live (and fully written), I'll be sure to let you know. Now go laugh at some unfortunate attempts at cake.

What Do I Have on My Bookcase?

I moved out of one office and into another a couple of weeks ago, so I've had to rearrange my work environment. It's important for writerly/creative types like myself to have a suitable atmosphere for being writerly and/or creative. Or so I've heard. So I set about the task of buying a 5-shelf bookcase from Wal-Mart -- cheap but sturdy -- and putting stuff on it.

Whether it matters to you or not, I intend to identify some of that stuff for you. Why? Because it's my blog, and it's Friday, and that's what I'm gonna do. Just you TRY and stop me.

First, a photo of the bookcase. Please note the numbers have been added digitally for your benefit. They do not exist in real life.



1. A full press sheet from the first printing of Pocket Guide to the Bible in 2006. I used to work at a printing company, so I think press sheets are cool. If possible, I'm going to try to get them for all my Pocket Guides.

2. A fake ficus tree. Every office needs a fake ficus tree. (Yes, I realize the tree is not actually on my bookshelf. Shut up.)

3. A copy of Transcendent Spirit: The Orphans of Uganda, a beautiful photo/essay book by famous photojournalist Douglas Menuez. It tells the stories of several of the orphans served by Empower African Children, one of my copywriting clients. Highly recommended if you like black and white photography and inspiring (and heartbreaking) stories about African AIDS orphans. You can order Transcendent Spirit here, and all the proceeds go to EAC.

4. A magnetic modern-artish perpetual calendar from the Museum of Modern Art store. A very cool calendar designed by Gideon Dagan, but you have to change the day and month manually so it's never accurate. I forget about that kind of thing.

5. The most awesome Kleenex dispenser in the world. It's an Easter-island moai head. You pull the tissues out of his nose. High-fives, everybody, all around.

6. You can't really tell, but that black thing with the buckles is an old workman's lunchbox. It belonged to my grand-dad -- yes, Paw-Paw -- back when he worked for Texaco after WW2. His initials (J-E-B) are hand-painted on the sides.

7. I own a whole lot of these books, for some reason. Pics of my kids in front of them.

8. The graveyard for old business cards. Except for the top box. Those are my new business cards. If you order your own signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible through the end of March, I'll throw one in. As long as you promise not to take advantage of the phone number on it and phone-stalk me.

9. A stack of old design and copywriting Addy awards. I'm not so ego-driven as to display them prominently, nor an I so humble as to shove them in the closet where they pretty much belong. I am a passive-aggressive displayer of awards.

10. A largely unknown book by Dr. Seuss, edited by Richard Marschall. It's called The Tough Coughs as He Ploughs the Dough. It's an out-of-print compendium of his advertising work and political cartoons before he became famous. Might be rare. I'm not sure.

11. A ceiling tile painted by a little girl named Reyna who lives in the La Chureca garbage dump in Managua, Nicaragua. This is one of the pieces of art I bought from the school there during the Dia de Luz celebration in 2007. It probably is full of asbestos or something, but I love it. For the fun, bright colors, but also for the symbolism. It started out as trash, until a little girl took it and applied some innocence and creativity to it. Beauty from ashes. I haven't hung it up yet, but will soon.

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If you are so inclined, you might also enjoy my scintillating video, What Do I Have on My Desk?

But then again, you might not enjoy that at all. Happy Friday, anyhow.

Speaking about Spiritual Weakness

Not sure why it took me so long to post this, but if you've ever wondered what it looks and sounds like when I do a public speaking gig, then here's your chance. This is the introduction to a talk I gave at my church last summer, starting with an illustration that made its way into my doubt book for Zondervan. I talk about physical weakness in order to segue into some thoughts on spiritual weakness.

The camera was pretty far away -- too far to see my weird Bryan Allain-ish facial expressions -- but the audio is good. Can you hear my Texas twang? I have a slight one.




If you're interested, here's the full 36-minute talk (mp3).

Not a Good Time for Twitter

I've expressed my enjoyment of Twitter here before, but some people seem to get a little too, um, wrapped up in the joy of 140-character posts. Guys like David Prager, who got exposed on Gawker this week for a stream of frantic Twitter updates when he discovered an intruder in his house.

That's right: Instead of immediately removing the guy from his house -- or at least confronting him -- he hid in his room and typed. Good job, Prager.

Here's the entire Twitter feed of the experience. My comments are bold.

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# ok, maybe I should lock my door - I swear a random dude just walked into my bathroom and I can't believe I haven't freaked out
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

# and I can't believe I'm tweeting about it while he is still in there — in wonder of he is sleep walking - or if maybe I should freak out
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

Freak out. Definitely freak out. Also, grab a heavy object. Or call the police. You know what? Do all those things. But for the love of Jack Bauer, stop tweeting.

ok - he's still in the bathroom and Im now thinking a combo of hobo and drunk and sleepwalking dude - he seems late 20s - hmmm what next ?
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

I'm thinking the hobo part cause I can smell BO - and I really am wondering why I haven't freaked the F out
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

maybe I should mention I live in a relatively rustic studio apartment in SF
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

Also, maybe you should mention how unlike Jack Bauer you are being at this very moment.

there is no TP in my bathroom - wonder if that is complicating things for him - was gonna wait for him to come out and kick him out
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

Jack Bauer never runs out of toilet paper.

hmmm — should I call the cops like you guys have recommended? find a blunt object before opening the door? my gut tells me he's harmless
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

but ... I could be wrong about the harmless assumption
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

I'm now thinking maybe he's passed out in my bathroom — I guess that's better than violent — but I have no idea. time to freak out??
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

"Passed out" = always better than "violent." I think Gandhi first suggested this.

ok - about to make move - putting shoes on first
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

Good idea. You've waited this long to get involved, so might as well take another few moments to make yourself presentable. You might also consider rolling up your shirtsleeves.

glad that GF wasn't here
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

ok - have weapon if I need it - but don't plan on any confrontation with it - about to go in
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

For the record, Jack Bauer would never hold a weapon if he were not planning to use it.

haven't gone in yet ..... debating calling cops but just feel it's not needed for some reason (and probably contrary to all logic)
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

ok - still haven't done anything - he is still in there - gonna setup a ustream now I think - standby
about 4 hours ago from Tweetie

That's right. Don't go in. Don't call cops. Instead, set up an Internet video feed. Forget Jack Bauer: That's what Chuck Norris would do.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/revision3
about 4 hours ago from web

Thanks.

going in
about 3 hours ago from Tweetie

Wait! You forgot your testosterone!

if u haven't been watching my ustream -the dude passed out in my bathroom and I just dragged him out
about 3 hours ago from Tweetie

ok - I think the drama is over - intruder is out - door is locked - think I finally need some sleep
about 3 hours ago from Tweetie

And I need to go shoot some animals or punch a Communist or cook some meat or something. Something manly. But not before I set up my ustream feed.

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Follow me on Twitter. I promise you will never read anything like what happened above. Unless it's on Fake Jason's Twitter.

Stories of Generosity: I Need Your Help

I'm looking for some help with an article I'm writing for a new publication. The article is about the virtues of generosity, and I need two things:

1. Some quotes from youngish people (20s, 30s) who are trying to practice a lifestyle of generosity and giving. Why do you do it? What does it look like?

2. Some personal stories of generosity: How has it impacted you? Or how has your own generosity impacted others?

I know it feels arrogant and wrong to raise your hand and say, "Look how wonderful and generous I am! You should interview me!" But that's exactly what I'm asking you to do. Please get past your bothersome humility hang-ups and let me know.

Send me an email to jb [at] jasonboyett.com and tell me your story. I might be interested in interviewing you for this article. You're also welcome to leave a comment, but I figure most people will prefer to let me know less publicly.

Cool? Thanks for your help.

David Wilkerson Predicts the Apocalypse!

Oh my. Here we go again. David Wilkerson, author of The Cross and the Switchblade and the pastor of Times Square Church in New York City, let loose a wild blog post on Saturday in which he claimed -- while "compelled by the Spirit," of course -- that we were on the verge of an "Earth-shattering calamity."

I don't dare summarize what he wrote, though. I'm going to quote it verbatim. Just so you can get the all-caps drama of it:

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AN EARTH-SHATTERING CALAMITY IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. IT IS GOING TO BE SO FRIGHTENING, WE ARE ALL GOING TO TREMBLE - EVEN THE GODLIEST AMONG US.

For ten years I have been warning about a thousand fires coming to New York City. It will engulf the whole megaplex, including areas of New Jersey and Connecticut. Major cities all across America will experience riots and blazing fires—such as we saw in Watts, Los Angeles, years ago.

There will be riots and fires in cities worldwide. There will be looting—including Times Square, New York City. What we are experiencing now is not a recession, not even a depression. We are under God’s wrath.

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Sigh. Are you trembling yet? Pronouncements like this are a big reaon why I wrote Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse: because they just beg to not be taken seriously.

This is also as good a time as any, I guess, to rehash my views on Christians predicting the End Times, the Second Coming, the Apocalypse, or whatever you want to call it. In almost every case, I think these predictions are crap. Pretty much always.

Oops. Did that come off too strong?

You wouldn't know it from the all-time Christian best-sellers list, but there are more important parts of Christianity than trying to decode Revelation, figuring out what 666 means, or figuring out which date to mark "Jesus returns!" on your calendar. LOTS more important parts. Life is too short -- and there are too many hurting people in the world -- to scare the rest of us with breathless predictions of apocalypse. Things like loving your neighbor, caring for the least of these, and living out the Gospel of grace.

Blogging in ALL CAPS about the possibility of "riots and fires worldwide" as a result of our sinfulness is not one of those things. Not at all.

After having written that first Pocket Guide, and after having learned a few things about biblical prophecy and mankind's very sorry 0-for-million batting average when it comes to predicting the end of the world, my stance on The End is this: I call myself an eschatological agnostic. I don't pretend to understand what Revelation means. I don't know what will happen at the end, or when it will be, or what it will look like. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. To say anything other than that, I believe, is too arrogant and presumptive for my tastes.

If I say the Spirit prompted me to write the previous paragraph, does it counteract Wilkerson's warnings? Just wondering.

David Wilkerson has done some admirable things for the Kingdom in his long career. But this isn't one of them. He just earned himself a place in any future reissue of Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse (if, indeed, there IS a future...). Cue scary music.

[H/T: iMonk, who makes some excellent points in a post about Wilkerson.]

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Update: John Piper responds to Wilkerson's ranting. His advice? "Stick with the Bible, David. It is scary enough." Brilliant!

Heaven: A Breakfast-Free Zone

I received some very bad news yesterday, courtesy of a YouTube clip blogged about by Bryan Allain. It's a song that aired on "The Mornin' Show," a local program on WTVA, an NBC affiliate in Tupelo, Mississippi.

Tupelo, as you may now, was the birthplace of Elvis Presley. But I'm pretty sure Elvis would never have sung a song like this. You probably won't have the intestinal and/or mental fortitude to watch this entire clip, but you get a pretty good sense of it after a minute or two. So enjoy...then stick around for some thoughts.

The bad news? There will apparently be no breakfast foods in Heaven.




1. I love breakfast. In fact, last night at our every-Friday-night gathering with my parents and my brother's family, we ate waffles, eggs, bacon, and other delicious breakfast items. It was, indeed, heavenly. An eternity where these foods are "no mo" is not as appealing as I once thought.

2. On the contrary, I associate afterlife bliss with the prevalence of breakfast foods. What is paradise if not a place where you can eat eggs, bacon, sausage and biscuits all day without worrying that your choleterol-soaked arteries are on the verge of collapsing? What is paradise if not a place where there are fountains of gravy and 24-hour hot biscuit vendors with carts? What is paradise if not a place where the bacon is always perfectly crunchy...the eggs are always exactly over-medium...and the hashbrowns are topped with the precise amount of Louisiana Hot Sauce?

3. If the Christian afterlife is a breakfast-free zone, then all that stuff about it being "a glorious day" and a place with "no more crying" is going to have to be rethought.

4. Worst. Backup. Singer. Ever. You can totally tell that she is not sold on Heaven's breakfast ban, because she's singing with the gusto of someone who just saw her pancake slide off the plate and land syrup-side down on the floor of IHOP. And you totally can't eat it once that happens.

5. "Nuts of Grapes" is brilliant no matter the context. What? Did you stop too early? Then proceed to the cereal verse, which begins around 2:15.

6. OMG. I hear a drum beat, but I do not see a drummer. Who cares about the heaven/breakfast connection when these people have an invisible drummer! Those drums won't play themselves. Is this some kind of Marty McFly/time travel scenario where the band members slowly disappear? Because drummer guy is totally gone.

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I'd love to get your thoughts on this. What favorite breakfast items will you potentially miss in heaven?

McGruff Gets Punched, with Commentary

There was a story on Yahoo! News a few days ago with this wonderful headline:

Cops: Driver adjusts mirrors and roughs up McGruff

I may be in my thirties, but that's young enough to have grown up with that lovable, no-nonsense crime dog, McGruff and his "take a bite out of crime" authority. I'm only human, so a phrase like "roughs up McGruff" is one that will always compel me to click through.

It led to a weird story. It's brief, so I'll repeat it here in full for your reading pleasure:

----------

WASHINGTON – A bus driver thought it would be funny to take the bite out of McGruff the crime dog by punching the mascot, but police said children who witnessed the stunt were horrified. Metro bus driver Shawn Brim, 38, climbed off a bus, adjusted his side view mirrors and then punched officer Tyrone Hardy, who was handing fliers to children on a Washington street while dressed as the crime dog, police said. After the punch, Brim got back on the bus and drove away, but was quickly pulled over Saturday.

Hardy had a swollen right cheek, but seemed more concerned the attack upset the kids, police said.

Brim later told a supervisor he was trying to be funny when he punched McGruff, who urges kids to "take a bite out of crime."

"But nobody here finds it funny, believe me," Metro spokeswoman Candace Smith said. "That kind of behavior is not tolerated."

Brim was charged with simple assault. He will also undergo drug and alcohol testing and his future with the agency is under review, Smith said.

There was no telephone listing for Brim and Smith said she didn't know whether he had an attorney.

----------

So I have questions about this story. At least, about the Yahoo! version of the story, which was originally reported in the DC Examiner.

1. Why did the part about "adjusts mirrors" make it into the headline? Isn't the news story that a driver punched McGruff the Crime Dog? The adjusting-mirrors aspect of it is pretty much just the reason the driver got out of the bus. Not worth reporting. You might as well have a headline that says Driver Hitches Up Pants, Roughs Up McGruff. Or something like With His Liver Functioning Properly, Driver Roughs Up 'Crime Dog.' Weird.

2. "Horrified" seems like a strong word. Most kids I know would think something like this was not terrifying, but pretty funny. Because a punch to the face of a furry brown huge-headed dog in a trenchcoat is very difficult to take seriously. His face is soft and plush, so you know it won't hurt that much. And McGruff is a cartoonish mascot. Kids are used to violence being perpetrated on cartoonish mascots. You might as well say that Tom dropping an anvil on Jerry's head is also something that causes kids to be horrified.

3. "Nobody here finds it funny, believe me," said the supervisor. Clearly she is wrong. I know some police officers, and I'll bet a lot of them might have acted all serious about it at the station. But on the inside, they found it funny. They're probably still laughing about it. Officer Tyrone Hardy will never live this down. He will always be known as "Crime Dog" by his peers.

4. Brim was charged with 'simple assault.' I don't know about this, either. Simple? Let me spell the case out for you in detail: A bus driver, in front of a bunch of kids, throws a punch to the face of a fictional "crime dog," played by a real cop, who advises children to "take a bite out of crime," which a complex metaphor to begin with because what, in fact, does it mean to take "a bite" out of something so large and nebulous as "crime"? Is there anything about that previous sentence that seems simple? This thing has layers and layers. I'm no lawyer, but this is a case of complicated assault if I've ever seen one.

I rest my case. Have a nice Friday and a great weekend.

Jason Plays the Random Album Game

My old, eccentric friend Shuey -- with whom I once exited a high school geometry class via its first-floor window -- alerted me to a fun make-your-own randomized album game on Facebook. I try to avoid Facebook as much as possible, but the game is fun, so I'm playing it here. Feel free to do it yourself, via Facebook or blog or on the corkboard at work.

------------

Here are the rules:

1: Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article that comes up is the name of your band.

2: Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very LAST quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3: Go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
The third picture in the top row, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4: Use Photoshop or whatever to put it all together.

5: Post it.

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I got lucky with my band name and an artsy Flickr photo. (Also, I'm a designer, and that helps.) Anyway, here's my album...




Flavio Schmid, it turns out, is not just a great fake band name. He's also a Swiss footballer.

According to the imminently quotable John Gunther (1901-1970): "Count Hermann Keyserling once said truly that the greatest American superstition was belief in facts."

And Stolen Wheels has some cool photos on Flickr.

Your turn. Play your own random albumizer game and post a link to it in the comments.

Did You Know? (Vol. 2)

Remember when I did a brain-dump of interesting facts and I went on and on about it being educational and entertaining and a fun series that I would do occasionally? Of course you don't remember. I couldn't even remember. I had to search my own blog for it.

It took me awhile to find it, but it was back on Jan. 28. If this is going to be a regular series, I'd better make it more regular. Otherwise it's the worst series ever. So here's another edition of...

Did You Know?

• Every year, about 98% of the atoms in your body are replaced. The two percent that don't get replaced begin to smell musty around Day 366.

• Every human spent about a half-hour as a single cell. For most of us, it was pretty early in life and hardly memorable.

• If you were standing on Pluto, the sun would appear no brighter to you than Venus looks in the sky right now. Also, you would be very, very cold, as the average temperature on Pluto is something like -390 degrees Fahrenheit.

• The average surface temperature of Pluto, the dog created by Walt Disney, would be around 101 degrees Fahrenheit. If he were a real dog, of course.

• Speaking of "real" Disney dogs, what is Goofy? He's a dog, of course, but he gets to wear clothes and talk and participate in human-type activities. Pluto -- who is also a dog -- just gets to do dog stuff.

• It's never been expressly stated, but I'm pretty sure Pluto the dog harbors a lot of hostility toward Goofy the "dog."

• I never could stand Donald Duck.

• In the 17th century, thermometers were filled with brandy -- not mercury.

• In the 17th century, thermometers were delicious.

• The arcade/gaming company Namco released PAC-MAN in 1980, which became the most popular video game of all time. It wasn't originally called PAC-MAN, though. It started off as PUCK-MAN, but some smart executives -- knowing how youths of 1980 preferred to roll -- predicted that they may eventually run into problems with punk vandals scratching out part of the P on the console. Hilarity and/or vulgarity would no doubt ensue. Good change, Namco execs.

• Proportionally, the earth's atmosphere is thinner than the skin of an apple.

• The earth's atmosphere -- being air and everything -- does not taste remotely like the skin of an apple. But wouldn't this world be a better place if it did?

• Now I'm hungry.

• There are seven stars in the Big Dipper.

• There are six stars in the film He's Just Not That Into You, including Scarlett Johannson, Jennifer Aniston, Justin "I'm a Mac" Long, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Connelly, and Drew Barrymore. Seven if you count that Bradley Cooper guy from Alias. Eight if you count Kris Kristofferson. But no one does.

• Traces of alcohol can still be detected in urine up to 12 hours after a person has stopped drinking.

• You should lay off the 17th century thermometers at least a full day before any drug or alcohol testing.

• An average-sized iceberg contains more heat than a match.

• It is really, really hard to light a fire using an iceberg, though. Those suckers are slippery.

• Because air is denser in cold weather, wind in the winter exerts 25 percent more force as it would at the same speed in the summer.

• Most people don't know this, but Kris Kristofferson also exerts 25 percent more force in the winter as he does in the summer.

• It is exceedingly difficult to light a fire with Kris Kristofferson.

• I really should stop making jokes at Kris Kristofferson, but his name is a strangely compelling one to type. Kristofferson!

• The Earth gets heavier each day by tons, as meteoric dust settles on it. You should do your part to stop global obesity by vacuuming up meteoric dust more often.

• Most of these weird facts came from a website called, appropriately enough, WeirdFacts.com. The only ones that didn't were the jokey ones I made up. Those came from the website JokeyFactsJasonMadeUp.com.

• You totally just tried to go to that website, which doesn't even exist. Ha! Nerd.

• This list of random facts is over. Have you purchased your own signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible yet? It's only $6.99, which is less than the number of stars in the Big Dipper. Check out the sidebar to the left. And have a nice day.

It's Square Root Day (Happy Nerd Holiday!)

You probably would never have thought of this yourself (I didn't), but today is a special day: It's Square Root Day. I'm surprised we didn't get the day off.

What makes today Square Root Day? Well, math-is-hard Barbie, it's because today's date is 3.3.09. And three is the square root of nine. Square Root Day -- a day in which the month and day are the square roots of the last two digits of the year -- only occurs nine times each century. That means it's a big deal. That means if you don't celebrate properly today, you'll have to wait until April 4, 2016, to do this day right.

Miss that one and you're stuck until May 5, 2025. Don't waste today.

Are you into other nerd holidays?

If so, then you're certainly looking forward to Pi Day on March 14 (3.14). The best time to celebrate it is at 1:59, because true math nerds know the mathematical constant π can be rounded to 3.14159 at five decimal places.

You might also be anticipating the Day of Ones -- November 11, 2011. On that date, we'll note it 11.11.11. Or 11/11/11, depending on whether or not you're a dot or slash person.

Even bigger nerds will want to be aware of Mole Day, which occurs between 6:02 am and 6:02 pm on October 23. Because you would note that date as 6:02 10/23, which is similar to the Avogadro constant (6.02×10²³), which defines the number of number of elementary pieces (molecules, for instance) in a mole. And as nerds know, a mole is one of the seven base SI units, along with the metre, kilogram, second, ampere, kelvin, and candela.

When I write my next novel, by the way, it will definitely feature an evil scientist named Kelvin Candela.

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OK, I apologize. That second-to-last paragraph was the boringest thing I've ever written. Wading through it just made me want to pull out every single strand of my hair, braid them into a rope, and use that rope to try to lasso the squirrels in my backyard...just to have something else to do.

Please come back tomorrow. I promise not to talk about any constants -- mathematical, Avogadro, or otherwise.

To make it up to you, I will now post a photo of cute kittens.

Changes and Secret Truths

The secret truth about writing books is that very few published writers are able to live off income from their books. I can't remember the exact numbers, but I recall it being somewhere around 95% of people who have had a book published have to maintain a second job, or a third, to make ends meet. They teach. They write for magazines. They do speaking engagements. Or, like me, they start out working in the marketing/advertising industry and progress to a job in communications and design for a religious organization.

I would love to be one of those book-writers who can make a go of it based entirely on income from my books, but now that I've been writing books for six years and have several in print, it's clear to me that -- barring some sort of inexplicable The Shack-ish cultural explosion -- that probably won't be the case. At least not anytime soon. So I've always had a "real" job in addition to my writing hobby. Something that took up 40 hours/week alongside the 15+ hours.

But it's always been my goal to make a living as a full-time writer, or at least as a full-time person who is self-employed in some way. I've been slowly building toward it for awhile now -- it's been the big bullet-point at the bottom of my list of career goals. I've been hoping to get there some day once a book hit big or whatever else. But you can't wait around forever, you know? Sometimes you just have to jump and see where you land.

This weekend, I jumped.

It wasn't exactly a huge jump. I simply transitioned from my former full-time job to become a full-time freelance writer and designer...but with my old employer as one of my major clients. So my actual work isn't really changing much, but the geography (right now I'm at home) and the structure (right now I'm my own boss) are new. Hopefully, I'll have more flexibility to continue pursuing more writing opportunities and more books and a select few new clients.

Is a stressed-out economy the best time to launch a new career as a freelancer? Um, no. In fact, it's probably the worst time. But I've got a good base of work lined up to make ends meet, and I intend to watch it grow as the economy gets back into shape, too.

So I'm the new boss. I'm officially a full-time freelance hyphenate (writer-designer-marketing pro-painter-blogger). I'm not sitting around anymore waiting for things to happening. Goodbye, passive dreamer Jason. Hello, wildly optimistic new kid.

Now, get to work.