Feedback time. I'm working on an article assignment for a Christian magazine. (I'm going to keep it nameless right now, because some of the content might end up being anonymous.)
The working title of the article is "What I Wish My Wife Knew About Fatherhood." It will discuss some of the problems and pressures husbands don't feel they can honestly communicate with their wives. Things related to parenting, sex, emotions, interests, job struggles, etc.
Here's an example: "I wish my wife would handle some of the discipline. When our kids keep hearing 'Just wait until your dad comes home!' it makes me into the bad guy."
Instead of just coming up with my own list, but I thought it might work better to make this a community project. Parts of this might be sorta personal, so don't hesitate to comment anonymously if you want.
Guys, please let me know what you wish your wife knew about being a dad. Wives, feel free to join in the discussion, too. Let's have a conversation.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
What I Wish My Wife Knew About Fatherhood
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14 comments:
1. Having to be the "initiator" in our sex life 100% of the time really begins to wear down the passion and intimacy in our relationship.
2. We need to feel loved the same as you.
3. We actually wouldn't mind receiving flowers on certain occasions ... especially instead of those awful ties. ; )
4. We are often just as insecure about how we look compared to when we got married. We still love you and think that you are beautiful ... we genuinely worry that you feel the same way about us.
5. There are some things that we are just never going to care about.
My wife will never fully understand the fear and anxiety that I have raising a daughter. I hope and pray that my girls have enough self esteem and confidence to make good decisions regarding relationships. And how important that is. (Knowing how guys objectify girls. Especially in the high school/college years.) My goal is to treat them with enough respect and thoughtfulness that anything less is not good enough for them. But my wife is still a girl and she'll never know the way guys think.
I wish my wife could understand that going to work is NOT a break. I understand that being a stay home mom is very difficult and a lot of work but being gone 8-10 hours Monday through Friday does not mean that I have free time and do not want to be home.
I can echo pretty much every single of the posts so far. (at least up till 9:51--just in case someone comments while I'm writing this)
I also want to add that I wish I could express my thanks to my wife for how much she does for our family. It's hard to get my gratitude across well all the time. Especially when I'm tired and get home and she's tired and it's hard to communicate very effectively at all anyway. Obviously I buy flowers, take her out to dinner, etc whenever I can; but on a day to day basis it's really hard to think and act as grateful as I really am. One thing that makes it even more frustrating is how often my attempts to say "thank you" go unrecognized or completely backfire (which isn't necessarily anyone's fault... but it's still hard when it happens).
Not a father yet, but married and had a thought that I wish my wife knew about fatherhood...
IT SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME
Parenting is beyond little fingers and toes and what our genes mixed turn into. Sometimes I think she forgets that. Not that I don't want to have kids someday, but she's ready. I'm not.
I'd like to echo that being the sole initiator in our sex life is tiring at times. Plus I wish that my wife were aware that sex is not just a physical need for a man, but is meaningful as well.
Mine is pretty mundane, so I'll leave my name attached to it.
I do need down time after work. I get that men have abused that for centuries, but now that we've been told to be ready to go the minute we get home from work or we're not real men, well, I feel a little worn out.
I'm not saying I want to have a beer and vege in front of the tv , but give me a few minutes to switch from work mode to dad mode.
I wish that my [ex]wife understood that parenting is not a contest. And I wish all wives better understood that sometimes dads have different value sets and priorities for their kids than moms do. Kids need both.
On an unrelated note, my verification word for this post was "oriactia". It's not a real word (I checked), but it oughta be.
You are simply a better parent at some things than I could ever be because ... well ... you're the mommy. (Cue "Oh, I'm the mommy?" routine from Mad About You)
Mommy can fix things with little ones that Daddy would never be able to do.
Just because I'm a man doesn't mean that I am the expert on caring for the boy.
I wish I had some more time for myself in the mornings without having to wake up before everyone. I understand that I lead the process in the mornings and you lead the process at night (that's our arrangement) but seriously ... some mornings I've got two kids crying or begging for breakfast and I can't even go use the restroom!
But at least you'll look pretty when you go to work ...
Remember when we were talking about having kids and I told you that I would be virtually worthless during the infant/toddler years, but I'm really excited about the school-age years??? Remember? Well, I actually meant it. So stop being surprised that I don't know what I'm doing!
I wish my (ex-)wife knew that I'd walk through fire for my daughter, despite the mistakes I've made. And that every night I fall asleep praying for my girl.
i echo the initiator of sex comment. seriously... you know you want me! and you complaoin about not getting it enough... why not try to turn ME on once in a while?
Reading some of the posts here makes me feel really sad. I wish women and men could communicate in a better way, so that both could understand where the other is coming from.
I'm a grandmother now, but I remember how difficult it could be. It seemed me and my hubby were both exhausted all the time. I felt like he didn't understand what it was like to be a stay at home mom, and he felt I didn't understand what it was like to be a working dad.
I've learned some things over the years and would like to share a little. Most of this is for the guys, but this is about the guys today, so --
1. Find a babysitter, someone you trust, and not always for a date night. Have a 'talk' night. Go somewhere pleasant and tell each other what you need, what you want, what hurts, what helps. Be honest, but be gentle. This isn't the time for nagging or goading or griping. This is the time for opening up to each other in a loving way. (Er, be sure and TELL your wife that you want to start having a talk night and decide together about this. Don't spring a night on her and have her think it's a Date night!!)
2. Guys -- being a stay at home mom is so much harder than you can ever imagine, unless you've been a stay at home dad. Most women feel frustration, boredom, and despair when they are home all the time, without much adult input or friendship. That's why they dump the kids on you the minute you walk in the door.
If taking over immediately every day is too much for you, give her three nights a week where you can. Give half of Saturday to go out with her friends, go to the park and sketch, hole up in the study and write. Just because she becomes a mom, doesn't mean she doesn't still have dreams and ambitions that don't revolve around her kids. Or ask for thirty minutes of 'unwind' time when you first get home at night, then take over for her.
3. Girls - Greet your guy at the door and kiss him. Fix him a glass of ice tea. Ask him about his day. I've found that this means more to my husband than anything else. It shows how much you appreciate what he does for you and your family. Give him thirty minutes to unwind before you break and run.
4. Guys, enjoy those few hours or minutes you have with your children at night. They grow up so fast. Treasure every second.
5. Guys - Flowers don't count unless they are SPECIAL. Trust me on this. Doesn't mean they have to be from a florist, but it does mean they have to be special to your wife's tastes. More than anything a woman wants to feel that her husband KNOWS her. Get to know your wife by talking to her (that's where a Date night comes in).
6. Guys - For a woman, sex has to start in the mind. Flirt with your wife for a day or two before you try to put the moves on her. Encourage her to go out and play with her friends one night. Or how about just making out with her one night and not expecting anything more? When a young mom is so tired all the time, those feelings of expectation can begin to weigh very heavily on her shoulders, and guilt never blossoms into desire. :) You might be surprised what doing these simple things can do for your love life.
I have to say again -- Holding back how you really feel about things is the best way to build bitterness and anger in a marriage. Find a way to tell each other what you need, but don't forget that the other person has needs too. It's always about compromising. It's always about loving the other person enough to be honest, in a kind way.
Okay, that's my two cents. or three. or four. :))
hugs to all.
Fatherhood is terrifying. Every minute of every day, I'm either panicking or trying not to think about the children. There is no way for you to understand how scared I am of screwing things up.
i loved reading these comments because even though the question was about fatherhood the discussion so often was about the relationship between the parents. one thing that is very true is that your relationship with your wife affects your children in deep and abiding ways.
as someone who was widowed when my daughter was leaving for college and my son was in junior high i wish i had told him more often how important he was to his children. i did remind him to tell our daughter that she was smart and beautiful so she wouldn't look to a pimple faced boy to tell her but i did not tell him he did a good job doing that. when it got time for my son to date there were too many things that a mother cannot talk to her son about and i had to ask other people talk to him.
your children will do what they see and say what you say (except through God's grace). does that scare you?
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