Today Is a Big Day in America

I have to confess something. As mentioned last week, my wife and I are currently out of the country on a vacation. Our kids are at home with their grandparents. And we made them promise three things to us while we were gone:

1. Be nice and polite and loving to each other while we're gone.

2. Be nice and obedient and loving to Grammie and Granddad while we're gone.

3. Under no circumstances -- not if your grandparents offer, not if your friends invite you, and not even if Troy and Gabriella actually show up at your door offering to sing and dance in the backyard -- are you to go see the theatrical release of High School Musical 3 without us.

High School Musical 3 opens today nationwide.

Because we have been looking forward to it ever since everyone jumped into the pool at the end of HSM2. We're all in this together, kids -- even if Mom and Dad are somewhere in the eastern Caribbean -- so you'd better save your long-awaited viewing until we get home.

Caption Contest: Jason, Tank

I found this picture from my very first publicity photo session, back when Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse released in 2005.

Your job is to write a caption for the photo. I'll pick the best one, based on creativity and humor and a special bonus category that will remain a secret to me. The winner gets three things from my personal archives, each of which will be related to either the publicity or research for the Apocalypse book.

Cool? Caption away...

Interview at The Ooze

Back in 2006, Becky Garrison interviewed me for The Wittenburg Door, about my new (back then) book Pocket Guide to the Bible. I loved The Door, and was thrilled to be in it. I answered Becky's questions with all the Door-ish goofiness and satire and humor as I could muster up. But my interview kept getting pushed back and back and back until The Door eventually went into hibernation and Becky no longer had a place to put the interview.

She finally found a home for it at The Ooze. You can read it here, as long as you keep in mind the following:

1. This interview is from two years ago, which makes some of the cultural references a bit out of date.

2. I tailored my answers to the vibe and tone of The Wittenburg Door, which is snarky and light-hearted and satirical. Which makes them feel a little flippant in a "regular" publication.

3. Unfortunately, there's no introduction to the interview to explain the context. So I read it, two years removed from the interview and not in the right magazine, and kinda thought I sounded like a turd.

4. You may feel the same way. If so, I'll own up to it.

The Ooze: Interview with Jason Boyett

Hummus Wars

Just when you thought international relations couldn't get any trickier...it turns out not even the humble chick pea is safe from escalating tensions. Lebanon announced a couple of weeks ago that it's filing an international lawsuit against the nation of Israel for, among other things, marketing hummus as one of its proud national dishes. This is shameful, the lawsuit says, because hummus is not an Israeli food but an original Lebanese one, and Israel's nefarious ways have led to losses in the millions of dollars.

Apparently it's a legitimate lawsuit, thanks to something called the "feta precedent," in which the European parliament awarded the nation of Greece a monopoly on the production of feta cheese, because Greece proved that it had originated and been produced there for centuries.

Unfortunately, the origins of hummus are less clear. What's not a mystery, though, is that hummus-related disputes in the Middle East -- I am now certain -- will play a role in the coming apocalypse.

Random hummus-related trivia:

• My wife and I quote lines from "Friends" to each other all the time, because we're dorks. One of the quotes that gets the most rotation is from the first season when George Clooney and Noah Wyle guest-starred. Monica made hummus, which George and Noah dined upon during an awkward fight between Monica and Rachel. Lacking anything appropriate to say, they simply praised the hummus, including this line from Clooney: "God bless the chick pea." Rarely do I consume hummus without recycling that quote.

• Best hummus I ever consumed? No contest. It was from Papa Cristo's Greek Restaurant in L.A. I met Papa "Chrys Chrys" Cristo himself. He's about 4 ft. 10 in. tall -- which is about as tall as his mustache is wide.

• Do not confuse hummus with haggis. Both foods are savory international exports and share some common letters and consonant placement, but that doesn't make them the same. Besides, "God bless the sheep's heart, liver and lungs" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

King, Bible, and a Note

Two nuggets of interestingness followed by a note about next week:

1. Stephen King. I've always been a bit of a controversialist, particularly when it comes to Christian culture and its connection to the horror genre. That's why, several years ago, I annoyed people by saying things like "Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the most Christian show on TV right now." Primarily this was because all the family and faith groups were getting upset about Buffy because it featured witchcraft and demonic activity and a hot teenage girl whose true love wasn't about to wait, because he was a centuries-old vampire. (Sidebar: Read this book. I'm quoted in it.)

Anyway, something else I used to say was also along those lines: "Stephen King is one of the most popular Christian writers in the world." (This was even before pastors started using King's film adaptations like Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile as sermon illustrations. Perhaps I'm prophetic.) King has always struck me as someone who took the redemptive power of religion seriously, who trafficked in good-versus-evil apocalyptic stories, and who treated the notion of God with respect even if he didn't fit within the normal margins of Christian faith. Turns out I was mostly right. Read this interview with King from Salon yesterday ("Stephen King's God Trip"), where he talks about politics, religion, and how The Stand was a work of "dark Christianity."

2. Bible Illuminated. A Swedish publisher is putting out a version of the New Testament called Bible Illuminated: The Book New Testament. It's illustrated with provocative, symbolic photos relating the stories and teachings to the present culture. For instance: in Mark, the Gospel which portrays Jesus as a person of action who opens his disciples' eyes to sacrificial love and the kingdom of God, there are photos of other people taking action in today's world -- including famous humanitarians like Bono, Angelina Jolie, and Bill Gates. I know what you're thinking: I would sure read the Bible a lot more if they put pictures of hot celebrities in it. Like Bill Gates.

Same here. If you're intrigued, preorder a copy at Amazon.

[H/T: Cool Hunting]

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Special Note. Starting today, I am stepping away from the Internets. I will be offline this weekend and all next week. All week! Not until Sunday, November 2, will I be back in the saddle. (Yes, I have a saddle at my home computer, where I compose these blog posts. I am also wearing chaps and spurs.) Due to the wonders of technology, by which I mean Blogger's future-posting option, there will be blog posts just about every day next week despite my absence. So keep coming back and commenting and whatnot. I'll eventually read it. But if you ask me a direct question or try to get in touch with me by other means, like carrier pigeon, I may be unresponsive. Don't hate me because I seem to be ignoring you. I am ignoring you, of course, but I have a good reason.

See you in a week!

Stiff-Necked, Unbelieving Buses

The British Humanist Association is raising money to launch a new ad campaign on London's familiar red city buses, and it's the first of its kind: an ad campaign for atheists. The campaign signage would read, in crisp, happy colors, "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

In a short amount of time, the campaign has raised far more money than they expected, and they say the ads may start appearing in January. Christian groups will probably get offended by this and boycott the buses -- because who wants to ride on the atheist bus? Not me! It's a bus-ride to apostasy! -- but it would probably behoove us to calm down, stop worrying about it, and, well, enjoy life. Religious groups have used London buses to advertise themselves, but do you know any Londoners who turned to Jesus because of a bus ad? I don't. And we probably won't know anyone who abandoned their faith because an evil bus told them to.

Now, if they stepped off a curb on the way to church and were hit by an atheist bus it might be another story...

And let's not jump to conclusions anyway by calling them "atheist ads" or "atheist buses." The language in the ad says there is probably no God. That's a qualifier. That means the voice behind the statement is leaving open the small possibility, however tiny, that there might in fact be a God -- it's just that the material evidence suggests otherwise. According to the signage, God's existence may be doubtful, or uncertain, but it's up for debate. That's a lot softer than pure atheism. This means the buses are agnostic.

You heard it from me: It is permissible for Christians to ride an agnostic bus, as long as you are wearing a Christian t-shirt, cross yourself upon entering, and stay on the lookout for witnessing opportunities.

Afterlife Preview: The Death Deity

It's time for another sneak preview of Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, which releases next year from Jossey-Bass (along with Pocket Guide to Sainthood and a repackaged Pocket Guide to the Bible). The following is one of the lists from the final chapter, which is helpfully titled "The Afterlists."

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Seven Random Names and Descriptions of the Death Deity in Various Cultures

1. Ah Puch, the bell-wearing, owl-headed, skeleton-bodied god of death (Mayan mythology).

2. Giltine, a formerly pretty young thing who was trapped in a coffin for seven years and emerged as a horrible old woman with a long blue noise and freaky-lickin’ poisonous tongue (Lithuanian paganism).

3. The Grim Reaper, a black-hooded, gown-wearing, skeletal creep with a scythe (Western/English pop mythology).

4. Izanami, the maggot-infested goddess of death who takes 1,000 lives a day (Japanese mythology).

5. Joe Black, the scruffily handsome character played by Brad Pitt in the 1998 film remake Meet Joe Black (American cinema).

6. Marzanna, an old woman in white clothes, carrying a green sprout (Slavic paganism).

7. Yama, the green-skinned Lord of death who rides a water buffalo (Hindu mythology).

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Bonus Material:

Most recognizable death deity? The Grim Reaper.

Most disgusting death deity? Izanami.

Most frightening death deity? Yama, by far. That's him at right.

Regular living person who may, in fact, actually be a death deity? Keith Richards, who I'm pretty sure has been dead for a few years now.

God Cleared on a Technicality

You can breathe a sigh of relief now, because God won't be going to jail. A Nebraska state senator named Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit last year against God, accusing him of inspiring fear, making terroristic threats against the senator -- apparently the promise of a good smiting can be construed as terrorism -- and wreaking "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants" through acts of violence like tornadoes and hurricanes.

But last week, a Nebraska judge threw out the lawsuit, because in order for the case to move forward, a plaintiff must have access to the defendant and know where he is. The judge couldn't find a listed home address for the Almighty, so out goes the frivolous charge. (Chambers would disagree that the suit was frivolous. He said he filed it to make the point that everyone, rich or poor, should have access to the courts and be able to sue anyone else. Even the homeless...like God.)

Thoughts:

1. Sure, we might not have God's address, but as a kid I always heard God's phone number was JER 33:3. Couldn't the judge have just called? He might have been told "great and unsearchable things" he knew not. Presumably, one of these might have included a home address.

2. Nebraska? I thought God lived in Nashville.

3. In theory, wouldn't an omnipresent God live everywhere? So you could serve the papers to almost any address, in Omaha or otherwise. I would have found a nice coffee shop in Maui and served him there.

4. And do you really have to serve papers to an all-powerful, all-knowing God? Isn't he aware of the lawsuit already? Hasn't he known about it from the dawn of time? Chambers thought so.

So clearly Chambers has grounds to appeal this decision. He has 30 days.

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In other news, "Christ runs for 232 yards in Catholic victory" is the best headline I've read in a long while. But it, too, leads to some questions. Sure, 23 runs for gains of 232 yards is a nice accomplishment, but how does Jesus ever get tackled? And what's he doing on the Catholic team? We all know Jesus was a Southern Baptist.

For once, though, it wouldn't have been so annoying for a reporter to ask him about his performance after the game, and hear the player say, "It wasn't me, man. It was God."

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Update: Edited at 10:42 am, because for some reason I kept spelling "Nebraska" wrong...I spelled it K-A-N-S-A-S. Thanks, Matthew, for the heads-up. Sorry for despoiling your fine state.

How Do You Pray?

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately, mainly because I just finished writing a chapter about prayer in my "doubt" manuscript for Zondervan.

Mainly it's about my problems with prayer -- including:

1. How I don't understand it very well (but am learning to re-understand it)

2. How my attitude about it is wrong because I get increasingly annoyed by the way I pray in public (mainly worrying about what people think about my prayer)

3. How I also get annoyed by the way other people pray in public (mainly worrying about how many times they say the fake humble word "just" -- too many -- and how often they use some variant of Father, Lord, God, LordGod, or FatherGod in place of commas and periods, as if we need to keep calling God by name every few phrases to make sure we keep his attention)

4. How my tendency to judge other people's prayers pretty much makes me a horrible person.

The chapter explains how rarely I pray these days using the good-old Southern Baptist, conversational, make-it-up-as-you-go-along approach to prayer. Instead, when I do pray -- which, admittedly, isn't often enough -- I find myself relying on selections from the Book of Common Prayer or to the Lord's Prayer or to other prayers from scripture.

But mainly I return, all the time, to two sentence-long prayers that are easy to remember, are almost always truthful, and are almost always appropriate.

One is known in Orthodox and contemplative circles as "The Jesus Prayer." There are several variations of it, but the one I like most is:

Lord Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

The other is one I learned from my parents and teachers over the years, who just wanted me to be polite but ended up teaching me the importance of gratitude. That prayer is this:

Thank you.

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That's my confession. How do you pray?

I Know Joe the Plumber. For Real.

So the big star of the debate Wednesday night was Joe Wurzelbacher, an undecided plumber whom John McCain mentioned more than 20 times at Hofstra. The national media has been buzzing about this guy since the debate ended.

I actually know Joe the Plumber. Not that Wurzelbacher dude from Toledo, but Joe Francis from Amarillo, Texas. He's a young, friendly, heavily tattooed guy who has been my family's plumber ever since his daughter was in my mom's deaf education class a few years ago. Joe's business is actually called "Joe the Plumber." It's on his business card and in his yellow-page ads. That's his logo above right.

And our Joe owns the Internet domain www.joetheplumber.com. It just became the hottest domain name in the United States.

Since Wednesday night, according to my mom, Joe has been getting calls from all over the nation. One person offered to buy his domain name for an inordinate amount of money. Joe bought it a couple years ago for less than $1,000.

***Friday Update: Here's the story from the Amarillo Globe-News.

So Wurzelbacher is not the only plumber named Joe who's suddenly famous. I hope our Joe doesn't sell his website and retire, or become the new host of a TLC show, or start doing political commentary for FOX, because Joe Francis is a good plumber. He's seen my toilet. He's dug in my backyard. He did the plumbing install for a business I co-own. And now his life is changing (a little, maybe) because McCain kept saying "Joe the plumber" over and over again in the debate.

That's cool. And also weird. But mostly cool.

Healing Waters in the Denver Post

The Denver Post published a front-page feature a couple of days ago about my friends Tom & Dana Larson and their organization, Healing Waters International. HWI is one of my favorite humanitarian organizations and has one of the most creative operating plans I've ever come across. If you're looking for a place to 1) donate to an organization making a difference among people of poverty; 2) get involved with an organization working internationally; or 3) support an organization that meets basic needs while holding the Church accountable and requiring people to take some personal responsibility...then I'd suggest looking into HWI.

I'd also suggest looking at and enjoying the photo below, which accompanied the article. It's so silly I keep making myself look at it just for the endorphin rush.



Things you should know regarding the photo:

1. Tom & Dana Larson do not live in the future.

2. Tom & Dana aren't really this blue in real life.

3. I am almost certain Tom & Dana felt ridiculously awkward while posing for this photo. They haven't shared this with me, but you can just tell. Dana, on the left, is doing her best to stare at the water jug, as I'm sure she was instructed, until the camera clicks. Tom is doing his best not to accidentally roll his eyes, and has to look at Dana to maintain his composure. He is beginning to smirk, though. You can totally tell.

4. The water purified by Healing Waters systems is not actually radioactive.

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OK, I'll stop making fun of the overly artsy Denver Post photographer dude. Read the article here.

Read about my five-day introduction to Healing Waters ("Clean Water & Good Company,") from a couple years ago. Day One. Two. Three. Four. Five. At no time does anyone in our group stare longingly at a lit-up jug of water in a dark room.

Matthew Paul Turner on Humor (Part 2)

Here's part two of my interview with Matthew Paul Turner about Churched and the role humor plays in his writing specifically and in the Church as a whole. If you didn't read part one yesterday, then read it first and come back later. We'll wait for you.

JB: What role do you think humor should play in church or religion?

MPT: Satire and humor can serve church and religion in a variety of ways. For instance, satire keeps those who manage religion in check. Just like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert keep politics and popular culture in check, so can humorists within the faith community keep religious folk in check. All of us need accountability. If done well, satire points out the irony and/or hypocrisy within religion. It serves as a mirror to all of us within Christian culture, offering us perspective on how we look to the culture at large. Satire also pushes us out of our comfort zones, which I think can quite possibly lead to opportunities to experience spirituality in a new way or at least in ways that individuals haven't experienced before.

When used inside the church, humor is a great way to get somebody to remember something important. It breaks down the space between a pastor and his or her congregations. It can help us remember our humanity; it serves as a reminder to us that while our life experiences may be unique to some degree, there are certainly common storylines that all of us share and can find humor in just knowing that. I think that can help us remember that we aren't alone in those experiences without making us feel depressed. When done right, humor connects people to ideas. In my opinion, when truth is presented in a way that invokes laughter, it sticks with us. How many times do we find ourselves telling somebody else a funny situation that we experienced or watched on TV or YouTube?

Often. It's called blogging.

It stays with us because humor demands a reaction, a reaction that all of us enjoy most of the time—laughter.

Is "being funny" more of a natural gift/skill/talent? Or do you think it can be learned?

I think anybody can be funny. But not all of us were meant to be funny on stage or in books or on video. I think it does take a special gift to be able to captivate people with humor. But as gifted at being funny as we might think we are, I think each of us can learn to express it more effectively.

Wait. What exactly are you saying. Is that some kind of dig at me?

(No answer.)

What advice do you have for churches or leaders involving humor? Can it be an effective tool for the Church? Should it be?

Number one: Read Steve Martin's memoir, Born Standing Up. Steve Martin writes about how he was always funny as a kid, but he also demonstrates how he learned to be funnier. He writes freely about the times his humor failed, and also about the times it worked. Don't copy his jokes, but certainly copy his methods.

Most young adults (especially men) watch Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert on Comedy Central. Rather than just watching it for the laughs, make note of how these two get the laughs. Also, I think it's important to know your audience or congregation. That's the great thing about using humor in a church, you usually know your audience. That's a huge plus. And I'd also say, don't just decide one day that you're going to be funny and put a video or skit or joke in your service or sermon. You have to work at it. Shape it. Perfect it. If you want humor to work effectively for you and most importantly, for the people in your church, it must be done well. Or at least be funny. Not chuckle funny but laugh-out-loud funny.

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Thanks, Matthew, for the interview.

Buy Churched here. Check out his blog, Jesus Needs New PR, right here.

Read the Churched interview (via IM!) at Burnside Writer's Collective.

Matthew Paul Turner on Humor (Part 1)

Matthew Paul Turner's new book Churched released last week. He's doing a lot of blog publicity this week and I'm happy to invite him over for part of his virtual book tour. You can read what I think of Churched here. You can read a bunch of other reviews of Churched elsewhere. But this is probably the only place on the Internets where you'll get between-the-lines information, including Matthew's thoughts on "being funny," what he's learned from his comedic influences, and how he may have unintentionally incurred the Fireproof wrath of Kirk Cameron.

JB: You've developed a reputation for using a lot of humor in your books. Is that something you've set out deliberately to do -- i.e. I want to be a funny writer -- or is it more of a natural extension of your personality? Or both?

MPT: Both. While most people who know me might not say, "Oh, Matthew is one of the most hilarious people I know," my inner circle certainly knows that, for me, humor is often my therapy. On the other hand, even one who might be naturally funny has to work at how to present humor in my writing. I'm not a comedian! That would be scary. The funniest person you know might be as dry as dirt or come across mean and less-than-spirited on paper. I know comedians who are hysterical on stage, but their "funny" just doesn't translate to paper. When somebody reads something that I've written and then laughs, more than likely, I worked my butt off for those few giggles.

Who are your comedic influences?

Most of them are writers: authors like David Sedaris, Augusten Burroughs, or Chuck Klosterman have probably had the greatest influence on me. I also love Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report. I'm also influenced by humor on TV or on stage. I'm one of those guys who, when watching TV, tries to understand how the writers of a particular show set up humor. What's their lead-in? What's their transition? And of course, what's their payoff? I also admire people who can make an audience laugh without using the f-word or simply tell a joke that revolves around sex. Sitcom writers of the 50s and 60s could do that with ease. But today, it's much harder to find people who can be funny without being outrageously crude. Crude doesn't offend me in the least; I just think it's too easy.

What role does the humor play in your books, especially in Churched? What does it add to your story?

I try to use humor sort of like a graphic designer might use white space, as a way of directing people's attention to the most poignant moment in the story or the most memorable scene. Humor is not simply an add-on for me. It's usually not accidental. When people read my work, I want them to laugh and be entertained. My hope is that the funny parts of what I write make the profound moments stick out.

Have your readers or audiences ever reacted negatively from your humor? Has there ever been much push-back in terms of flippancy or sarcasm or people thinking "We shouldn't make fun of that"?

All the time. Satire is often misunderstood in the Christian culture. Because stereotypically we Christians take ourselves far too seriously, we sometimes struggle to laugh at ourselves. And sadly, or perhaps thankfully, there's so much to laugh about. We seem to think that, as soon as somebody puts the word "Jesus" on something like flip-flops or puts a cartoon Jesus on gift cards or a t-shirt, that it instantly becomes sacred or holy. In the end it's just flip-flops, cardstock, and shrinkable cotton. And I'm sorry, but flip-flops that leave the words "Jesus Saves" in the sand as you and your honey walk hand in hand down a white-sandy beach is funny.

Not as funny as wearing those flip-flops while also sporting one of those "Abreadcrumb & Fish" parody shirts and sharing a can of Jesus-ade. That's a perfect storm of funny.

But those who can't mentally or spiritually separate the two will often write me letters when they believe I've crossed the line in some way. Just last week I poked fun at Kirk Cameron's new movie "Fireproof," betting my blog audience five dollars it would suck. And then I wrote something like, "I might go to hell… for betting." A blog reader wrote me a long email, telling me that her parents were going to burn in Hell, that she was terribly offended that I would make fun of going there myself. Honestly, sometimes the response to my humor is more satirical than my humor. The line I walk is a little thin, but I don't believe that should negate me from walking it. In fact, usually it makes me want to straddle it.

That Hell-offended blog reader of yours is totally going to hate Pocket Guide to the Afterlife when it comes out. So give me some advice. How do you respond to that kind of criticism?

I'm perhaps a little smarter with my responses than I was a few years back. Then, I would try to defend myself or prove my point. At some point, I decided that I would try to learn from negative reviews, and usually there is something I can learn from somebody's criticism. But sadly, so often criticism today is online and "anonymous." Unfortunately, the ability to make comments and send emails anonymously has made normal everyday nice people into mean-spirited individuals. When you're anonymous, you're far more willing to say anything at all and say it in a way that is unlike your normal personality. And most of the time, anonymous comments are far less constructive. But I think criticism ultimately makes me better at what I do, because it forces me to improve the essays that I write and make the analogies and the satire that I present better.

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Buy Churched here.

Stay tuned for the rest of the interview tomorrow. It involves the role of humor in the Church, tips on how to be funny, and the continued relevance of Steve Martin.

Time to Vote: Fake Book Title Contest

On Friday, a few of you submitted fake book titles using "nounjectives" in the style of Matthew Paul Turner's new book, Churched. I promised a free signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible to the winner. I have my favorite, but I'm gonna let you vote. Polls close at midnight tomorrow (Tuesday, 10/14), so if you're in the running -- and you want a free book -- send your friends this way.

Here are the full titles of the contestants:

+ Schooled: How this one kid owned me on the basketball court at my elementary school where I learned to spell

+ McCained: the story of a cerebral white female whose liberal rhetoric for change did an about-face when the maverick in her started to spread its wings

+ Chevroned: How being screwed at the pump fostered my addiction to laughing gas and ultimately my stumble towards grace

+ Foxed: One man's journey to find fair and balanced news despite FOX News

+ McD’d: In a world of side salads and grilled chicken snack wraps, one man will fight for his right to party like a Big Mac

+ FaceSpaced: How I escaped the net using only a iPhone, a real person and a really big hammer

+ Sheoled: Where burning desire to know God meets burning piles of ancient garbage

VIEW RESULTS

Come back tomorrow for Part 1 of my interview with Matthew Paul Turner about the role of humor in his writing as well as in the Church. And in Churched.

Churched and Other Weird Adjectives

This is release week for my friend Matthew Paul Turner's new book, Churched: One Kid's Journey Toward God Despite a Holy Mess. Release week is always a big deal for a writer, because typically you'll have finished the book months before, and since then you've just been sitting around and doing not much of anything, other than some advance marketing. Then, boom!, everything happens the week the book drops. You want people to blog about it. You want people to buy it on Amazon (high rankings are a must). You do in-store signings and early-morning radio interviews and blog interviews and pretty much your life is crazy for a couple of days. It's exhausting.

MPT has been through this before, because at my count, he's written nearly six kajillion books. Churched is his first hardback, though, and it's gotten some seriously good publicity, and it's the kind of book that vaults you into version 2.0 of your writing career. I'm excited for him. (In fact, I liked Churched enough to endorse it.)

Churched is a warm, funny memoir about Matthew's experiences growing up in an extremely fundamentalist church. I know a bit of his story -- my background wasn't as extreme as his, but both of us have sort of ended up in the same place spiritually -- and what impresses me about him is that he's able to treat the fundie garbage in his past with such grace. Churched is not a mean-spirited book at all, but it could have been. And in the hands of most other writers, it would have been. I appreciate Matthew's gift at that kind of merciful introspection, and it's worth reading just for the chance to see someone refuse to be defined by his past, and learn to grow beyond that past without getting angry or bitter.

What I also appreciate about Churched is its title. "Churched" is perfect. It's a noun turned into an adjective! Not sure who came up with it, but since getting the advanced copy I can't stop thinking of other descriptive location-based adjectives that would make good book titles. This is because I'm a strange person. But anyway, here's my list:

+ Starbucked: One Woman's Search for Coffee Despite All the Other Products In Her Way

+ Garaged: One Man's Epic Quest to Install a New Alternator on His Plymouth Voyager

+ Outbacked: How I Tried, and Failed, to Eat an Entire Bloomin' Onion

+ Porta-Pottied: One Woman's Traumatic Weekend Locked Inside a Portable Toilet, and How Everything Eventually Came Out All Right

+ Malled: One Man's Quest to Buy His Wife a Gift She Won't Return

+ Targeted: A Tale of Love, Lust, and Hilarity Inside America's Hippest Discount Store

+ Vaticanned: A Plucky Nun's Dramatic Ascent and Downfall in the World's Last Bastion of Masculinity

Contest! Post your own fake book titles using location-based nounjectives in the comments. The best one gets a free copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible. Signed by me.

Stay tuned next week for an interview with Matthew Paul Turner about humor and the church.

Buying More Shoes, Saving More Lives

Some of you may be aware of Buy Shoes, Save Lives, an organization I profiled about a year ago for Relevant Magazine. BSSL is now called the Preemptive Love Coalition. If you are unfamiliar with their work, they operate out of Iraq, exporting authentic Kurdish footwear in order to fund heart surgeries for Iraqi kids. Completely handmade shoes. I own a pair, and they make me look very cool. At least from the ankle down.

I've kept in touch with BSSL founder Jeremy Courtney since getting to know him, and he's the kind of guy writers like me really like. Sure, he was a great interview subject who wasn't afraid to challenge people with his opinions. But he's also thoughtful in a personal sense, in that he regularly updates me as to how my article has impacted his organization. He tracks how many people donate or buy shoes based on having heard about it in the Relevant interview. As of last week, Jeremy says he can attribute $15,000 directly to that article. That's enough to cover the expenses of two full heart surgeries for little kids. Wow. Seriously, that means a lot to me.

Sometimes you write to make a buck. Sometimes you propose an article just to get your name out there or to expand your public platform. Sometimes you write just so you can say, "I've written for _________." Sometimes you write just because a publication was kind enough to ask you to. I've written for all those reasons. But sometimes you propose and write articles because you're passionate about a subject, because you believe in a movement, and because you want to tell a good story. I felt that way about the Preemptive Love Coalition/Buy Shoes, Save Lives, and I'm humbled to have played a weird little role in the countercultural work they do.

Humbled? Really, Boyett? Not humbled enough to, you know, keep this $15,ooo thing to yourself. You had to parade it out in front of everyone so they'll think you're awesome.

No I didn't.

Yes, you did. You're also concerned they don't like you anymore because you're voting for Obama.

Well, that's probably true. But I'm not going to talk any more about political stuff. I promised.

Anyway, stop it with the fake humility.

Wait a second. How do you know I wrote this to toot my own horn and not to, you know, bring yet another dose of attention to the organization? Every little link counts. Maybe I'm trying to influence more people to buy klash and save little Iraqi kids.

That's just a ruse to stroke your ego. I know this because that's how you roll.

You're mean.

Admit it, Boyett. You're a rabid egotist. Seriously, egotism is the driving force behind being a blogger in the first place: the idea that your thoughts matter and people want to hear them.

You're also very cynical.

So are you.

Touché.

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Well, that was weird. Anyway, I wanted you to know that you can now buy klash for kids. They're cool little handmade shoes just like the grown-up versions, only these have kid-friendly rubber soles and are lots cheaper. $25. And a good way to teach kids about poverty and compassion and the realities of life outside the U.S.

Also, they're very cute, and I say that in the coolest dad way possible. Go get some.



Know what's even weirder? These guys skateboarded across Florida as a direct result of reading about Buy Shoes Save Lives in Relevant. Now they're headed to Iraq to work directly with Preemptive Love Coalition. That's crazy.

Obama and Abortion

First, I'll apologize up front. I know not everyone wants to read about politics on this blog. You'd rather read funny stuff and gentle religious sarcasm and blatant self-promotion about my books and writing. I understand that, so this will probably be the last presidential-themed post I'll do up until the election. But I need to put this one out there so I ask that you indulge me, baby, one more time.

Very few people in Texas, where I live, plan to vote for Obama. At least, very few people I know. Most of my friends and family are pro-McCain and see support for Obama as downright unChristian (though they still love me and probably wouldn't ever say this to me outright). Because Obama is pro-choice, a vote for Obama is often equated with a vote for killing babies.

Just to ease my parents' minds, let me make it clear that I have no interest in killing babies. I'm pro-life, and I have credentials. Once, when I was 16 or 17, I participated in a March for Life, holding an "Abortion Is Murder" sign that someone handed to me on the way out the door. Of course, I'm not sure how effective a 100-person march against abortion is in a city that's overwhelmingly pro-life already, other than making the participants feel good about their activism, and especially good when a passing motorist flips them the bird, because: persecution! I've even done marketing work for the local crisis pregnancy center and donated money to their operating budget.

So I'm pro-life but I intend to vote for the pro-choice candidate. And I'll be honest: Obama is unapologetically pro-choice. This makes me a slobbering hypocrite (at least in this area...I'm a hypocrite in lots of other areas, too.) So how in the world do I justify this?

It's simple: I'm a pragmatist. Despite his claims to being pro-life, I don't believe voting for John McCain will do anything to end or even reduce abortion in the United States.

Point #1: We have had a pro-life president in the White House for 20 out of the last 28 years, since Reagan's election in 1980. Has this led to abortions being reduced? Yes, but barely. Has it led to Roe vs. Wade being overturned? No.

Point #2: What about Supreme Court justices? If the president has any sway on abortion, it's by picking pro-life judges to fill vacancies on the Supreme Court, right? Sure. Except in 1992, in Planned Parenthood v. Casey -- the first real opportunity to overturn the abortion law -- five Republican-appointed justices voted to uphold Roe v. Wade. And in this case, only two of these justices (Blackmun and Stevens) were supporters of Roe v. Wade when the case began. I doubt we will ever see this law overturned. But don't trust me on this. Trust Bush appointee and Chief Justice John Roberts, who said Roe v. Wade was the "settled law of the land," and vowed he would uphold it. (H/T: Bryan)

Point #3: But let's say it were overturned by the Supreme Court. Then what would happen? The abortion issue would be given back to the states. (This was how it worked before Roe vs. Wade.) Some states would maintain its legality. Some states would outlaw it. But if you wanted an abortion, you could still get one, simply by traveling to an abortion-friendly state. Would it reduce abortions? Probably not. It would just make the process of getting one -- at least in a pro-life state -- a little more challenging.

Conclusion: There is little chance of overturning the abortion law. That being the case, what can we then do to reduce the number of abortions? That's the question we need to be asking.

John McCain does not have a good answer to this question. His answer -- if he gives one -- always involves the repeal of Roe v. Wade, the argument about appointing Supreme Court justices, and various "abortion is evil" statements. Which are fine, but if you agree with points 1-3 above, those are useless answers. What we need are some ideas about how to reduce abortion. But the Republican party's only idea seems to be repealing Roe v. Wade. That's it. In fact, the Republican party's 2008 platform says very little about abortion other than opposing it and promoting "every effort" to "enable and empower [those considering abortion] to choose life." Fine. But how do you do this? What does this empowerment look like? Do issues like poverty and health care and family planning play any role in reducing abortions? Unfortunately, the platform doesn't give answers. Let's just demonize Roe v. Wade and that's enough. According to Catholic legal scholar Nicholas Cafardi, the RNC actually removed abortion-reducing language from their platform this year.

Removed. Abortion-reducing. Language.

Meanwhile, Barack Obama fought to add language to the 2008 Democratic platform after consulting with religious leaders and pro-life Democrats about the issue. The platform calls for reducing abortion by promoting abstinence, adoption, and personal responsibility. It also provides for reducing unintended pregnancies through family planning services, education, parenting skills training, and health care. These are the kinds of resources many pregnant women don't have when they find out they're pregnant, and which make them think abortion is the only option. Catholic and Protestant leaders called the addition of this plan to the platform a "historic and courageous step" for Democrats. To be fair, others have criticized it as adding a good thing to an evil position (I'd label it "lipstick on a pig" but that phrase has pretty much jumped the shark). Regardless, it is a hopeful plan and a big shift in the usually antagonistic relationship between Democrats and pro-lifers.

(Update: Pro-Life Democrats have proposed the 95-10 Plan, the goal of which is to reduce abortions by 95% within 10 years. I really like this plan, but it's unclear at this point whether or not Obama has come out in support of it.)

When it comes to reducing abortions, the Republican party talks about a pie-in-the-sky scenario -- repealing Roe v. Wade -- that still wouldn't have much effect on the issue. Barack Obama has a concrete, serious plan any pro-life voter can (and should) applaud.

Two final points and I'll step off my soapbox and put it away until the election's over so we can all be friends again.

#1: There is more to being pro-life than fighting against abortion. For me, the pro-life platform includes things like poverty, women's rights, global human rights, environmental stewardship, torture, war, and racism. I think Obama is a more compelling choice than McCain on all of those. All of them. How can I be pro-life if I vote for the lesser candidate in 7 out of 8 pro-life categories?

#2: When it comes to elections, I am not a single-issue voter. Some people are, and if that's how you choose to vote, that's fine. But if a member of my family is in a terrible accident and we're rushed to the hospital emergency room, and I have the option of choosing one out of two doctors to perform emergency surgery, I'm not going to choose based on which surgeon is pro-life. I'm going to pick the professional I believe will do the best job in healing my injured family member. I apply the same reasoning when I vote for president. Parts of this country are broken or are in the process of breaking (and I include abortion among the "broken" stuff). But I'm going to choose a candidate based not just on his beliefs about that one issue, but on how I believe he will respond to all the issues. Which candidate will be the best healer?

Obama's stance on abortion falls far short of the Christian ideal. In fact, I think it's on the wrong side of the Christian ideal. But there are lots of issues to consider in addition to the abortion one, and when it comes to healing the rest of the brokenness, he's the doctor I'd choose.

Owen likes the planet Mars. I like Obama. Both of us are standing firm.

We'll return to inanity tomorrow.

The Grapes of Wrath

People go to hell for continually calling attention to this sort of thing -- and for laughing at it, as I have -- but my friend Cara reminded me of it at her blog. So it's her fault. And this video is a couple of years old, which is enough to make it elderly in Internet years, but I had to post it for your enjoyment.

Three reasons to appreciate this video:

1) People falling down = always funny.

2) I have seen a lot of people get injured doing various things, but I have never -- NEVER -- heard anyone make sounds like this. The noise of this lady carrying on is like a crazed basset hound being stomped to death by a donkey in heat, which is, in turn, being ridden by a bleating sheep.

3) In the entire history of awkward fake-perky newscast banter, there is no more awkward banter than those two hosts saying, "Ooooh, gosh. Looks like she's really hurt. I hope she's OK." It is absolutely perfect.

It Is Designed to Break Your Heart

God created Adam and Eve to love him and serve him. He put them in a lovely garden. They failed to follow the one rule he gave them, so he kicked them out and closed down the garden experiment.

God chose Noah to survive a catastrophic flood, because Noah was the patriarch of the one righteous family left on earth. After drying out the ark, Noah failed to live up to that righteousness when he planted a vineyard and got drunk. Drunk Noah ended up exposing his, er, olive branch to one of his kids. Family values.

God chose the people of Israel to worship him and represent him to the nations of the world. They failed to represent him very well when they decided to worship, instead, a golden cow.

God wanted the Israelites to trust him for his provision by giving them manna and quail for food. They failed to be properly grateful, and complained about God's provision because, seriously, who wants to eat that much manna?

God chose Samson to be the judge of his people and bring them back to faith, giving him superpowers and a long-haired secret weapon. He failed to use those powers properly and failed to keep his secret when pressured by his super-hot girlfriend.

God chose David to be the king of Israel. David failed to act either kingly or godly when he stole a peek at Bathsheba's bubbles, got her pregnant, and then offed her husband.

God chose Elisha to be his prophet after Elijah died. Elisha failed to represent the Almighty very well when he used his prophetic prowess for personal gain. If, by personal gain, you mean using a couple of she-bears to maul some boys who had teased him about being bald.

God sent Jesus. Jesus chose Judas Iscariot to be his disciple and learn the ways of the kingdom of God. Judas failed to understand most of that kingdom stuff and sold Jesus out for a few silver coins.

Jesus chose Simon Peter to be his disciple. On the darkest night of Jesus' life, Peter denied he even knew him...when pressured by a teenage servant girl.

Jesus failed to convince the rich young ruler to give up his possessions and follow him. Jesus failed to impress his hometown of Nazareth with his claims to be the Messiah. Jesus failed to fulfill the Jews' expectations of what their Messiah should be and do. Jesus failed to convert the religious leaders to his revolutionary teachings.

Jesus failed to live past 33. Because the people he came to lead -- and save -- decided to kill him.

If anything, the Bible makes it clear that God the Father and Jesus Christ his son -- who taught that the first would be last, and that the meek would inherit the earth -- are well-acquainted with failure. God chooses people who fail. God uses failure to accomplish his purposes.

God is a God of failures.

Therefore, I have concluded that God is a fan of the Chicago Cubs. And the events of the past weekend have caused heaven to weep.



"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops." (A. Bartlett Giamatti in "The Green Fields of the Mind")

Who Are You? Also: Mars

If you're new to this blog and haven't yet commented in the Who Are You? thread (also linked in the top bar above), then please do so. Because I want to know who you are, and where you're writing from, and whether or not you have a special talent.

In other news -- completely unrelated -- yesterday my 5-year-old son Owen created this sign and taped it to his bedroom door:



I'm not sure why he felt he needed to make such a bold declarative statement about the 4th planet in our solar system. But you know what? He's entitled to his opinion and, even better, he's not ashamed about making it public. Good job, Owen. Stay strong.

Trash and Waste and Stuff

I need your help. I'm working on a new article for Christian Single about our big waste problem, which sounds like something you shouldn't talk about in mixed company but is really about trash and consumption and having too much stuff.

I need to speak to some people who are doing things to limit or fight this problem, either on a larger, community-wide basis or on a smaller, personal basis. For instance, have you recently begun limiting the amount of stuff you buy? Do you recycle? Do you try to reuse certain resources? Are you one of those office weirdoes who insists on saving one-sided sheets of paper so you can print on the other side? (I am.) Are you actively working to reduce waste?

If so, shoot me an email or leave a comment, and tell me about it. I'll possibly want to interview you for the article. Despite the title of the magazine, you don't necessarily have to be Christian or single to get quoted. But I don't really want to have to use many sentences that say something like: Brenda, a married Hindu, thinks recycling is awesome. "I think recycling is awesome," she says. Too much of that would make for a lousy story.

Anyway, while you're trying to decide whether or not you want me to interview you, consider the following facts, courtesy of Annie Leonard's excellent The Story of Stuff site:

• The United States has 5% of the world's population...yet consumes 30% of the world's resources. And we create 30% of the world's waste.

• If everyone in the world consumed stuff at the same rate we do, we'd need at least three more planets just to hold it.

• The average U.S. citizen consumes twice as much today as 50 years ago.

• Each person in the U.S. generates 4.5 pounds of garbage a day, which is twice what we produced 30 years ago.

• For every one trash bag you put out on the curb, seven equivalent trash bags of waste were used beforehand to produce the trash you just put out on the curb.

If you're intrigued or upset by these statistics and have 20 minutes to spare, go to The Story of Stuff and play the video. It's entertaining and fun and educational in a Schoolhouse Rock sort of way, only it makes you feel bad about trash. Which is kind of the point.

Ideas? Talk to me.

Afterlife Preview: Moses to Reaper to Cowbell

It's been a few months since the last sneak peak at Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, which releases next year from Jossey-Bass (along with Pocket Guide to Sainthood and a repackaged Pocket Guide to the Bible).

So here's an entry from "Great Moments in Eternity," the Timeline chapter. To give it some context, it's preceded by a section about the Egyptian Book of the Dead and followed by some stuff about the emergence of Hinduism.

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1500 BCE, Egypt: Keeping with the death-in-ancient-Egypt theme, the Angel of Death arrives at the Nile Delta to perform the dramatic final act of the ten plagues as told in the Old Testament book of Exodus. The angel passes over Egypt, killing all the first-born sons of the Egyptians but sparing those Israelite families who have smeared the blood of a lamb upon their doorposts. This leads to the Jews’ Moses-guided mass exodus out of Egypt. It also leads to the traditional Jewish Passover celebration. And the idea of a death-dealing angel also leads to the development of the western idea of the Grim Reaper, which is the concept behind the hit 1976 hit song “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult, which provides the musical setting for the famous Saturday Night Live skit in 2000 that introduces the catchphrase “more cowbell!” to popular culture, and which therefore confirms the ancient Mayan prophecies predicting a direct, mystical link between Moses and Will Ferrell.

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In related news, have you purchased your personally signed and shipped copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible -- the original version? I only have, like, 8500 remaining. Hurry before they're gone! (See sidebar at left to order.)

Canned Jesus

First, I need you to look at the product below, produced by some new Christian brand called 1 in 3 Trinity. They specialize in Christian clothing and energy drinks. That's right: energy drinks. You should know that a Christian energy drink, apparently, is a real product and not at all something made up by Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert or Bill Maher. It's real.



Energy Drink: Fused with Fruit of the Spirit.

And I thought Christian t-shirts were weird.

By the way, I learned of this fine new product from Mr. Matthew Paul Turner, with whom I occasionally G-chat for fun but never profit. The exchange was as follows:



Imagine my surprise, though, when I looked more closely at the Spirit-ade drink and discovered it contained only 10 calories. Which means the fruit of the Spirit isn't just energizing, but is also perfectly safe for those concerned about their weight.

Yet another reason to choose Christianity over other world religions. Including Buddhism, which is obviously a fatty faith.

Update: The marketer in me can't help but look at those cans of Jesusade and think of better slogans than "Fused with Fruit of the Spirit." For instance, I would probably go with a nod to The Jerk...

1 in 3 Trinity Energy Drink: He hates these cans!

The "he" being Satan, of course.