The All-Important Toupee Question

I have a serious question about a silly topic: preachers who wear toupees. I am not dogmatic about very many religious things. I'm pretty easygoing and tend to think, as a rule, grace is always better than judgment.

Except for this. I am judgmental about this one thing, almost all the time: I personally have a hard time respecting a preacher who wears a toupee. Seriously. In the town where I live, there are at least a couple of highly visible (and well-respected) senior pastors of large churches who disguise their baldness under a synthetic rug. They're not fooling anyone. Pretty much everyone knows. And yet they continue to perpetrate the fraud.

The guy below is not one of them, but it makes for a good illustration, in an insane televangelist kind of way:


Anyway, toupee-wearing ministers really bother me.

Here's the dictionary definition of the noun "lie":

lie (n.)

1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.

2. Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.

So when you put fake hair on your head, isn't it for the purpose of giving people the impression you actually have real hair? And isn't it a deliberate presentation of something being true ("I have hair/I am not bald") when it's actually false?

So according to those definitions, when it comes to preachers who wear toupees -- aren't they chronic intentional liars?

Anybody else got a problem with that?

I do. Not that I'm not a liar and an egotist and a sinner myself. I am all those things. But I'm also balding. I've had a receding hairline for years, and you know what? I'm cool with that. I'll eventually be bald. But you'll never see me wearing a toupee, so this is the one stone I can throw. My opinion: Hairpieces are vain. Hairpieces are a form of lying. To me, a preacher who wears a hairpiece might as well be wearing a sign that says "I am vain and I am a liar."

I want to trust you, Pastor Hairpiece. But I can't, because I take one look at you and think: Liar.

I bring this up because an emailer took me to task recently for complaining about a toupee-wearing preacher in this article. Who are you to be so mean about a person's appearance? she demanded. I felt kinda bad. For about a second. But then I realized I wasn't mocking the preacher's natural appearance -- his natural appearance (baldness) was not on display during the church service. It was artfully hidden beneath an obvious hairpiece. I wasn't mocking the way God made him. What I was mocking was his need to conceal the way God made him. (Anyway, mocking a bald prophet of God can have disastrous results.)

So, I want you to weigh in the issue. Am I off-base here? Am I being a jerk? Anyone else feel this way about pastors with toupees? I want your honest opinions. Comment away...

Lord, Save Us from Supply and Demand

So there's a minister in Maryland who has started a grass-roots movement with a catchy name. The "Pray Down the High Gas Prices Movement," courtesy of Seventh-Day Adventist Rocky Twyman, carries with it a simple request: Please, God, will you release us from this burden of high gas prices?

Quote from the article in the Baltimore Sun:

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Twyman...believes the spike in oil prices and natural disasters of late are a sign that the end of the world is nigh. "We just think there needs to be some divine intervention. Because man has become greedy. How much money do they have to make while all these people are struggling?"
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Of course, "struggling" is relative. The article later notes that German drivers would be thrilled to pay $4 a gallon for gas, which is half of what they're used to. Maybe Europeans are the ones who should be praying. Or maybe God has already answered Twyman's prayer on behalf of America?

A few more observations and questions:

• Seventh-Day Adventists have thought the end of the world was nigh for about the last 150 years. It started with the super-crazy Millerite movement back in 1844. It morphed into the Adventist-offshoot (waaaay offshoot) David Koresh and the Branch Davidians 15 years ago. Then again, Christians of all stripes have thought the end was near since, well, the Gospel of Mark reported Jesus saying the end was near.

• Are high gas prices really a spiritual burden? Or are they just an annoyance because we like to drive a lot?

• Should we really be asking God to remove annoyances from our lives? Especially the ones that inconvenience us because we like trucks and SUVs and they use a lot of gas?

• Isn't it a wee bit selfish to request almighty intervention because of an annoyance? I can think of some other annoyances I'd like God to do something about that rank way ahead of the price of unleaded. Like maybe child poverty. Or the African AIDS crisis. Or human trafficking. Or guys who wear hands-free Bluetooth earpieces when their hands are entirely free of anything that would prevent them from holding an actual, real phone.

• Rocky Twyman is a really cool name.

• I've seen barefoot children in Nicaragua playing with sticks, while their parents watch from cardboard huts while a trash fire rages nearby and fills the kids' lungs and eyes and ears and mouth with poisonous smoke from tires and dirty diapers and sewage. With vultures hovering overhead. Because that's pretty much what day-to-day life is like when you live inside a trash dump. If I ever ask God to remove an annoyance from my life -- an inconvenient speedbump on the road to Western-style prosperity -- then I pray He tells me to shut up and think about those kids. And maybe, while I'm in a praying mood, pray for them instead.

Sheesh.

[If you want, you can sign an online petition sponsored by Citizens to Pray Down the High Gas Price Movement. If you do, you agree to pray three times a day for God to apply the Balm of Gilead to our itchy gas pumps. You also agree to endure my mockery. You also assert your willingness to receive an emailed photo, from me, of a starving, glue-addicted kid from La Chureca. So take that.]

George Carlin on Honor Students

In honor of the late George Carlin (1937-2008):

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

(from the 2001 HBO Special "Complaints and Grievances")

Word.

IMonk has a great retrospective on Carlin from a Christian point-of-view.

The Wiki Bible Project

Have you heard of the Wiki Bible project? I hadn't, until an article in the June 23 issue of Newsweek caught my attention. The project started up in January as a way to assemble "an original, open content translation of the Bible's source texts."

Are you fluent in ancient Greek or Hebrew? Then jump right in! Anyone can participate. All you have to do is stay faithful to the original source texts but keep from borrowing from copyrighted versions already on the market. Also, you need to keep it "simple, non-technical, robust, and easy-to-understand."

Sounds about as easy as shoving a big, black King James Bible through the eye of a needle.

Predictably, some people love it -- the result may be the first open-source Bible translation in the public domain. Other people hate it, because, by golly, people who translate the Bible ought to have some definable credentials and scholarship behind them. Or at least the authority of some religious institution. Or, lacking that, a big religious publisher like Lifeway. Right?

For some people, Bible translations are serious business and pretty much always controversial. Some KJV-only purists still think the translators of the New International Version were Satan-worshippers. More recently, people got all upset when Today's New International Version came out with language updates changing generic phrases like "sons of God" to "children of God." And 15th-century Reformer Jan Hus got executed because he supported the work of rebel Bible translator John Wycliffe. Hus was burned at the stake by Church authorities with copies of Wycliffe's translation used as kindling. (The "love your neighbor" stuff apparently doesn't apply when Bible translations are, um, at stake.)

So this WikiBible thing should be interesting. Keep up with the discussion history of the chapters for some serious theological throwdowns. Contribute if you want, but watch out for the pitchfork-wielding hordes. They won't beat down your door. But they may show up in your in-box.

New Obama Rumors

I don't usually just copy and paste, but these are too good to pass up. Here, courtesy of Christopher Beam at Slate, are 13 rumors the Obama campaign should start disseminating to email forwarders everywhere:

There are many things people do not know about BARACK OBAMA. It is every American's duty to read this message and pass it along to all of their friends and loved ones.

1. Barack Obama wears a FLAG PIN at all times. Even in the shower.

2. Barack Obama says the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE every time he sees an American flag. He also ends every sentence by saying, "WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL." Click here for video of Obama quietly mouthing the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE in his sleep.

3. A tape exists of Michelle Obama saying the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE at a conference on PATRIOTISM.

4. Every weekend, Barack and Michelle take their daughters HUNTING.

5. Barack Obama is a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN. He has one HAND over his HEART at all times. He occasionally switches when one arm gets tired, which is almost never because he is STRONG.

6. Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It's upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups.

7. There's only one artist on Barack Obama's iPod: FRANCIS SCOTT KEY.

8. Barack Obama is a DEVOUT CHRISTIAN. His favorite book is the BIBLE, which he has memorized. His name means HE WHO LOVES JESUS in the ancient language of Aramaic. He is PROUD that Jesus was an American.

9. Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW.

10. Barack Obama's new airplane includes a conference room, a kitchen, and a MEGACHURCH.

11. Barack Obama's skin is the color of AMERICAN SOIL.

12. Barack Obama buys AMERICAN STUFF. He owns a FORD, a BASEBALL TEAM, and a COMPUTER HE BUILT HIMSELF FROM AMERICAN PARTS. He travels mostly by FORKLIFT.

13. Barack Obama says that Americans cling to GUNS and RELIGION because they are AWESOME.

Brilliant. Awesome. Pass it on.

My Literary Earworms

Any lover of books and stories has certain lines that stick with them -- phrases and sentences that, for whatever reason, embed themselves in your consciousness like a literary earworm. (An earworm is a snippet of a song that gets "stuck in your head.")

There are a few lines I know by heart that float through my brain at least every few weeks or so. When they do, it's always a good thing. A good memory. A good thought. Here are some of them...

1. "I am haunted by waters."

(Opening line of A River Runs Through It, by Norman Maclean. Probably my favorite line in all of literature, because it resonates with me on some deep, watery level I can't really explain. I think of it every time I step into a trout stream, or encounter a waterfall, or see the ocean.)

2. "Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue?"

(Sam, after being rescued by the eagles, in The Return of the King, by J.R.R. Tolkien. I sure hope Sam is right.)

3. "Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "Don't you hear anything Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

(About Aslan, in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. This one's probably a cliche, but there you go.)

4. "Later he saw Jesus move from tree to tree in the back of his mind, a wild ragged figure motioning him to turn around and come off into the dark where he was not sure of his footing..."

(About protagonist Hazel Motes, in Flannery O'Connor's Wise Blood. I love that image...being pursued into a dark uncertainty by the "wild ragged" Jesus.)

5. "In the great green room, there was a telephone, and a red balloon, and a picture of the cow jumping over the moon, and there were three little bears sitting on chairs..."

(The opening lines to Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown. This was both of my kids' first favorite book, and I've probably read it aloud at least 500 times.)

These are mine. What are your literary earworms?

Sweet Saintly Nomenclature! (Sainthood Preview)

Just uploading a little bonus content from Pocket Guide to Sainthood, because I've just learned that users of the Internets prefer short paragraphs, bold type, lots of links, and lists.

Lots and lots of lists.

So this comes from Ch. 6, the part of the book that has lists. You will love it, apparently.

Five Combinations of Saints’ Names With the Word “Sweet,” Which Make Useful Expressions of Dismay, Surprise, or Anger (with appropriate uses as suggested by the saint’s life):

1. Sweet Anthony of Saxony! (to be uttered when being slain by a pagan chieftain)

2. Sweet Kundegunda! (to be shouted upon finding out your young daughter is being forced to marry an important man)

3. Sweet Stephen of Mar-Saba! (to be exclaimed should a bright light emanate from your body during a celebration of the Eucharist)

4. Sweet Wiro the Bishop! (to be declared when given a tract of land by a barefoot prince)

5. Sweet Sassy Zita! (to be spoken when given a laborious amount of work to do)

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Other Sainthood Previews:
Carmelites
Anchorites
Relics That Ooze Oil
St. Patrick
Saints with Ironic Patronages
Saints with Ridiculously Dull Names

Watch Me Prophesy Doom!

Last week I uploaded a video featuring clips of my appearance on a History Channel program about the Garden of Eden. If you watched it, you'll probably be disappointed to learn that I'm on another "Decoding the Past" program, too.

And this one's even awesomer.

Sure, the last one had fake Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden (and/or a park in Los Angeles), but this one has images of apocalyptic destruction. It's about how several ancient prophecies apparently attach some kind of doomsday significance to the year 2012.

So obviously, they wanted to know what I thought about it.

Not really. But they knew I'd written about Revelation for my book, Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse, so at the end of my interview for the Eden show, they asked a few questions about biblical prophecy. I tripped through a few brief, not-quite-prepared-for-this answers. Thankfully, I got a good edit.

(Though you should probably judge that for yourself.)



By the way, the dark libraryish background behind me? It's a conference room at a Courtyard Marriott in Los Angeles. Complete with a well-lit but entirely fake ficus tree. I'm telling you, it was the apex of glamour. If by apex of glamour, you mean a hotel in Burbank next to a SuperTarget and Outback Steakhouse.

Buy Shoes, Save Lives

Relevant is now posting the full text of an interview I did with Buy Shoes, Save Lives founder Jeremy Courtney. Jeremy's organization is a cool one on several different levels, bringing the realms of fashion, social justice, interfaith cooperation, combating childhood illness, and radical peacemaking together under a single umbrella. That's hard to do.

Jeremy on the shoes:

"Klash are entirely handmade—I don’t own another pair of handmade shoes, and neither do you. Most shoes in our closets are created in less than 30 minutes in a factory in China, but klash are made by families. In fact, we can introduce you by name to the people who make our shoes. I love the idea of seeing families apprenticed in this trade. It’s beautiful."

Jeremy and his family live in Iraq, sell shoes, and keep Iraqi children from dying of heart disease. I love their organization. I have my own pair of Klash. They are cooler than any other pair of shoes I own.


Read the interview here.

Visit the Buy Shoes, Save Lives site here.

Buy shoes or BSSL gear here.

If I Were a Superhero...

...my superhero name would totally be Ray.

Ultraviolet Ray.

1. You wouldn't be able to see me.
2. I could damage your skin if you got too close to me, without proper protection.
3. I could immediately disinfect any water I touch.

Invisibility, the ability to tan and/or sunburn skin at will, and a useful proclivity for sterilizing drinking water. I bet you can't come up with a more useful trio of superpowers than that.

You're welcome to try, though.

[Related post: I Am Good, Helpful, and Dull ]

Watch Me Decode the Past!

One of the weird things about writing historical (albeit entertaining) books like the Pocket Guides is that it makes you an "expert" on the subject matter. Sort of. Which means I am an expert on the book of Revelation. And I'm an expert on the Bible.

Right.

So occasionally I've had the opportunity to be an expert on TV. I think producers like me because I'm not an old, fusty professor-looking kind of person. And because I'm good with a sound bite. On a few different occasions I've flown to L.A. and been interviewed for two hours in a studio. Then, a year later, get to watch about 40 seconds of myself on TV. It is exactly as glamorous as that sounds.

For kicks, I put together a clip show of one of these appearances, from the History Channel's "Decoding the Past: Searching for the Garden of Eden."

Enjoy.

Anne Jackson Interview (Part Two)

Today we continue with Part Two of an interview with Anne Jackson, author of Mad Church Disease and the persona behind FlowerDust.net. (Read Part One here.)

Anne grew up the daughter of a West Texas pastor and had a front-row seat to the incredible hardships of ministry -- the kind of stuff that undermines families, personal faith, and even an individual's mental health. As a church staffer herself, she's succumbed to these struggles, too. Mad Church Disease is her first book and Anne's attempt to expose -- and fight -- the epidemic of burnout in church culture. It releases in 2009 from Zondervan.

JB: What was the process of writing your first book like? Was it enjoyable? Harder than you thought? More complicated than you thought?

Anne Jackson: It was both difficult and INCREDIBLY rewarding! I hit a writer's block many times, and other times thousands of words came pouring out.

How and when do you write?

I typically can't write at home. I cafe shopped: Panera, Starbucks, and a local place called Coco Flow. I also wrote some while traveling -- in cars and on planes. Most people recommend a schedule, but my brain doesn't work that way. It's a little scary.

That IS scary. I'd place myself firmly into the recommending-a-schedule camp. But obviously you made it work, so who am I to recommend anything? Let's talk about your blog. You've been able to build a pretty substantial blog community at FlowerDust.net. How has it helped you during the writing process? How do you plan to use it once the book comes out?

I love the community on my blog. They are the best. They have supported the book from Day One, promoting it on their own blogs and sites. They provided me with invaluable and instant feedback. I can't wait to dialogue with them after the book is out!

What have you learned about the publishing business that you didn't know before?

There is SO much that goes into a book going from my head on to a shelf. I've learned writing is not a perfect art. I've learned to write despite any insecurities. I've learned that the process is slow, but at the same time, complex and wonderful!

What have you learned about yourself during this process that you didn't know before?

I've learned I can drink a lot of tea. And that inspiration comes at unlikely times. I've learned that my thoughts and philosophies are always changing.

What tips do you have for beginning writers looking to someday get their own book published?

Write because you MUST. Not because you'll get a paycheck or see your name in print. Have faith that your words will reach their intended audience...how that looks might not be what you expect.

What advice do you have for beginning bloggers looking to build an online readership?

INTERACT, INTERACT, INTERACT! Be generous with positivity and be open to learn. Most of all, be patient. It takes time.

Time for a last word time. Any other comments, tips, or closing statements?

Love, love, love. Without it, everything else is meaningless.

---------------------

Thanks, Anne. Best of luck with the book. Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic is scheduled for release in February 2009.

+ Here's the Mad Church Disease website.
+ The Mad Church Disease blog.
+ Mad Church Disease on Squidoo.
+ Anne's bio.
+ Anne's personal blog, FlowerDust.net.

Anne Jackson Interview (Part 1)

I'm tired of blogging about me -- and you may be tired of reading about me. So let's talk to someone else. A couple weeks ago, I interviewed Matthew Paul Turner right after his new book released. Now it's time to talk to a first-time writer whose book hasn't been released yet. What are her thoughts on getting published, the writing process, and -- as always -- blogging.

Anne Jackson is the proprietor of the popular blog FlowerDust.net, a church media specialist who is formerly of Lifechurch.tv and is soon headed to a new life in Nashville, and the author of the upcoming Mad Church Disease (Zondervan, 2009).


In Part 1 of this interview, I asked Anne about the book itself, getting a contract, having an agent, and other things you need to know.

JB: First, congratulations on the book. Tell us about Mad Church Disease. What is it about, who is it for, and why is this the subject of your first book?

Anne Jackson: Mad Church Disease is about God's plan for a healthy lifestyle for those in ministry -- not only paid church staff, but volunteers, and their families. After literally ending up hospitalized for a week just two years into my own ministry, I realized the significance of spiritual warfare. We are being attacked...and if we are broken, how can we help heal the world? If we are hopeless, how do we show hope to others? I discovered I wasn't alone, and so many people are burning out in silence...this is a topic that needs a bright light on it.

How did you get the book contract?

Before even deciding it was going to be a book, I decided to test the waters and I launched a website for people to share their stories of pain and burnout. Within two days, I had over 1000 responses. The topic struck a chord. I went ahead and put together some sample chapters and a proposal and had some friends of mine who were published send it out. During this time, I was contacted by my now agent, Beth Jusino, from Alive Communications. There were a couple of offers for publishing, and I am so grateful for Beth to walk beside me through this process.

Do you recommend beginning writers get an agent?

I absolutely love my agent. There is so much that goes into a book being published. An agent guarantees you have someone looking out for your and the book's best interest.

Where are you right now in the writing process?

I started writing the book in the summer of 2007, but at the advice of my agent, only wrote a couple of chapters to make sure Zondervan and I were on the same page as far as style and direction. It typically is NOT a good idea to write a full manuscript. Publishers like to help shape the book.

I turned in the manuscript in March 2008 and we are currently walking through some editing and promotional/marketing steps. It will release around Jan/Feb 2009! It's a bit of a long turnaround intentionally, as we strategically wanted to release the book after either Christmas or Easter in order to connect with the most hurting people. A lot of people in ministry burn out after the holidays.

-------------------

Come back tomorrow for the rest of Anne's interview. In the meantime, head over to FlowerDust.net to hang out with Anne and the community there.

Update on the Pocket Guides

You no longer need hold your breath. The Pocket Guide update you've long been waiting for has arrived.

Sports Fans? Put down your remotes.

Gamblers? Set the cards aside.

Whoremongers? Stop all that mongering.

1. Pocket Guide to the Afterlife is done. D-O-N-E. At least, the first draft is finished. Then my wife has to read it. Then she makes suggestions. Then I take her suggestions very seriously and read it again myself. Then I make a few more edits to it. Then I send it to my publisher so they can make edits and suggestions and send it back to me.

But anyway, it's done.

2. Pocket Guide to Sainthood is in the edits-suggested-by-the-publisher stage. The good news is that they like it. A lot. There is no bad news. Just a few edits to make -- make this funnier, state this better, quit beginning so many sentences with "And..." -- and then I'll probably read through it one more time. Just for kicks. Then we'll move out of the draft stage and into another editing stage.

This book-writing thing involves more stages than the Tour de France.

3. I've sold, signed, and shipped 202 copies of Pocket Guide to the Bible since making it available here. That means, out of my original 9053, I've only got 8851 to go! Look how optimistic I am as I type these exclamation marks! Yay!

Have you bought a copy or two for yourself? At these prices, you can buy a bunch, then leave one for the tip every time you go out to eat. Or you can rip the covers off and wallpaper your bathroom with them, like I used to do with Sports Illustrated magazine covers in the late 80s. Or you can put them in a blender, just to see what happens.

Hell's Most Wanted: A Critique

I posted this already at Prayers for Blowouts -- where I'm now an official contributor -- but I'm slapping it up here, too, in case you didn't see it.


As I see it, there are several problems with this banner. A critique:

1. Readability. The flames in the background are a nice touch, but make the banner a little hard to read.

2. Headline. Sure, hell wants new residents, by definition. The evil-er the better. But wouldn't heaven want them, too? When it comes to being wanted, I think both destinations are concerned with boosting their numbers.

3. Vocabulary. Who really says Whoremongers anymore? Or Fornicators? Attention, signmakers concerned with the eternal destiny of random passers-by: You're gonna have to contemporize your language. Do you ever hear anyone talking about that hit MTV show "Whoremonger My Ride"? No? Then it's time for an update. If people need a dictionary to decide whether or not they may be on a certain list in hell, they'll just become frustrated and continue whatever they were doing before you started yelling at them.

4. Content. "Pot Smokers" is aiming a little low, don't you think? It is, after all, a gateway drug. You might shoot for those who have passed right through the gateway and on into serious drug use like crack cocaine and meth and ibuprofen. Don't want those folks to be left out.

5. Scope. Sports Fans? Really? Oh my. Sure, many of them may also be drunkards. And gamblers. And possibly money-lovers (who isn't?). But if you're singling them out for debauchery you also ought to single out Investment Bankers, American Idol Viewers, and Pocket Guide Authors. Also Male Figure Skaters.

6. Inclusiveness. You forgot Murderers, Sabbath-breakers, and Democrats. Hypocrites hits a little close to home -- so close, I'd hazard you might have been guilty of it at one point or another, putting yourself on your own banner. That won't do. So I suggest replacing it with one of the above.

You're welcome.

[H/T: Mrs. Thinky Thoughthead]

This Is Why You Don't Do That

I was a dorky teenager, so I can't say I've never mooned anyone. I have. And in mixed company, too. But while my occasional moonings may have caused psychological harm to others, they never resulted in actual physical harm. Looks like I was lucky.

The Associated Press brings us this story today:

Dutch Man Injures Posterior in Mooning

UTRECHT — Utrecht police say a 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering after a "mooning" that went horribly wrong.

A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Utrecht with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke."

It says that at one point the 21-year-old "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere."

The statement released Tuesday says police detained the three men after the incident Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window.

The injured man was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital.

Questions raised:

1. Who or what was on the other side of the broken window?

2. How hard do you have to push against a window with your derriere in order to break it?

3. Whose attention were the man trying to get with the stunt? Because in my experience, mooning only takes place to get someone's attention. Probably a girl's. This is ironic. There are few people in the world, for instance, who would have been impressed by the sight of my 16-year-old behind. None of them, I'm certain, were cute teenage girls.

Lessons learned:

1. Glass and bottoms don't mix, unless they're combined in a special boat meant for viewing coral reefs.

2. Running with your pants down, the event that proceeded the injury, is never a good idea. It's just asking for trouble in the first place. The only time a person should ever run with his or her pants pulled down is if a bear interrupts you in an outhouse. I think that's pretty much it.

3. One of the funniest and most painful phrases in the English language may, in fact, be "deep wounds to his derriere." A life well-lived is one that finds a way to work that phrase into a conversation at least once a week.

The Now List

Here's a fun list that came right off the top of my head. Seriously. I was just riding my bike to work and a sheet of paper fell out of a tree as I whooshed by and it landed on my head. It had these fill-in-the-blank questions on it. And since I'm a sucker for questionnaires, I'm gonna complete it.

Feel free to make a meme out of it and take it to your own blog.

What I am listening to right now:
"Nos Da Cariad" from David Gray's Life in Slow Motion

What computer I am using right now:
A 20-in. iMac G5, the white kind before they got all silvery and cool.

What I am eating right now:
The bitten-off last part of a strawberry-and-creme flavored Lifesaver sucker, which is the best hard candy product in the world. (I have a story about these I will tell later.)

What I am drinking right now:
Water

What I have just finished doing:
Spending my lunch break at the pool with my family.

What I will do immediately after posting this:
Design signs for the preschool hallway at my church.

What I am reading now:
Finding God in Unexpected Places, by Philip Yancey
My Beautiful Idol, by Pete Gall

Last email/text I received:
It was from Tonia Chapman, who got second place in the Fake Band Names contest.

Last email/text I sent:
To the place where I keep my boxes of Pocket Guide to the Bible, so they could pull a couple of boxes for me to pick up.

Last blog entry I read:
Today's post from my friend Matt's blog. Even if you don't know Matt and his story, his blog is a good one to read. I always leave it feeling two things: 1) Sadness, because that's the appropriate response when a wife and mother die too young; and 2) Inspiration to hug my kids more, hug my wife more, appreciate life more.

What I did last night:
Went to my 5-year-old son's tee-ball game in 106-degree heat. While wearing jeans.

What I'm doing tonight:
Going to my 8-year-old daughter's volleyball game. It's inside. Yay.

What I just looked at right now:
The fake ficus tree behind my computer.

Your turn. Comment below or blog it yourself.

We Have a Winner!

The votes are in on the Fake Band Names contest! I'd announce the victor but I'm waiting for a committee to decide whether or not we accept full or half-votes from the residents of Michigan and Florida.

Not really. But let me just say Hillary Clinton is crazy the way she refuses to accept that somehow she can make the math work to get the Democratic nomination. She's just like 2nd Lt. Hiroo Onada, a Japanese soldier who was discovered on Lubang Island in 1974 -- 29 years after Japan's formal surrender -- which Hiroo had heard about on the radio only he didn't believe the reports. So he stayed hidden in the jungle, fully armed and waiting to be given his next order. Everyone in the world knew it was over but him, and Hiroo didn't even have superdelegate math to ponder. Hilary is like that guy. Only it's not a war. And she's not likely to emerge from the jungle with a rifle and 500 rounds of ammunition. Hopefully.

Anyway, that was a weird digression. The votes have been counted and the winner is...

RAWBONED DONKEY AND THE SADDLEBAGS

Submitted by reader "Jeremy." Jeremy, send me an email via the Contact Jason link above and we'll work out the details. You win a free Fake Band Shirt of your choice. Check out your four options here.

Rawboned Donkey and the Saddlebags comes from Genesis 49:14 -- "Issachar is a rawboned donkey lying down between two saddlebags." It's a creative submission for sure, and really would make a great band name.

It wasn't my favorite of the finalists, though. (My personal vote went toward the 2nd place Make Haste, Zacchaeus -- which I still think is brilliant.) In fact, RDS almost didn't make the group of finalists at all. I hesitated on its inclusion, for two reasons:

1. It's not word-for-word. But that's understandable, because Rawboned Donkey Lying Down Between Two Saddlebags would be too long, even for a Sufjan Stevens cover band.

2. It's from the New International Version. I didn't require all names to be from the King James Version of the Bible, but in my heart I am fonder of KJV names. Had Jeremy gone with King James on this one, it still would have been an excellent name...but it would have been PG-13. Here's the King James translation of Genesis 49:14 -- "Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens."

Call me crazy, but Strong Ass and the Two Burdens is possibly the best fake band name I've ever heard. Jeremy, your submission is a winner and you get the prize, but it could have been better. I'm just sayin'.

Here are the numerical results for the finalists:

Rawboned Donkey and the Saddlebags
(28.92% of the vote)

Make Haste, Zacchaeus
(24.10%, submitted by Tonia Chapman)

Throw Down These Horns
(16.87%, submitted by Matthew)

There Was Corn in Egypt
(15.66%, submitted by Bryan Allain)

Daughters of Zelophehad
(8.43%, submitted by Felicity)

Blight and Mildew
(6.02%, submitted by Ganns Deen)

Great job, everyone. Let's do this again sometime.

Are you satisfied with the results? Jeremy, use the comment section to gloat. Other finalists, use the comments to complain. Everyone else? Use the comments to tell which name you voted for and why.