Art Appreciation

The oil painting above is called "Mother Mary with the Holy Child Jesus Christ." It was painted by a European artist in the early part of the 20th century. It's not a fantastic piece of art by any means, but has some nice touches. For instance, rarely do you see Jesus pictures with daisies in them. And my eye keeps returning to the warmth and brightness of the background.

So here's my question: At first glance, do you like the painting? Is there anything attractive about it?

Look at it and answer the question for yourself, and then read my first comment, in which I'll pose a follow-up question.

Meet the Mama Monk

I'm the oldest of three Boyett siblings. I've discussed my brother the prestidigitator and his inner-city ministry a time or two, but haven't ever said much about my little sister. I'm not sure of the reason for this, other than the fact that she hasn't ever been very active online, and I didn't have anywhere to link.

In retrospect, that sounds really dumb, but it might in fact be true. Anyway, she's online now. Micha Boyett-Hohorst is now blogging as the Mama:Monk and tweeting as @mbhohorst, and it's about stinking time. She's an excellent writer, a wonderful person, and the only Boyett family member to have lived in the Northeast Yankee Territories (Philadelphia) and the West Coast Liberal Territories (San Francisco) of the United States. She's practically an alien life form in our family, but we love her all the same.

You need to meet her. So I decided to interview my very own sister, a graduate-degree poet who, just a few weeks into it, has already created a fascinating blog about motherhood and monasticism.

Jason: I've always thought you'd make a good blogger, but you've held out for a long time. Why make the leap now?

Micha: I am the least Internet-savvy 30-year-old on the continent. I am miserable about Facebook and I’m still getting used to email. I would have been so happy being a character in a Jane Austen novel. I could sit around all day drinking tea in an uncomfortable dress, my only task to write long letters with a pen and actual paper.

Also, I spent the last four years in full time youth ministry. It was not a season of my life where I felt I could focus on writing. Now that I’m staying home full time with my little boy, I’m excited about it.

Where did the fascination with Benedictine monks come from? You know we're Baptists, right?

I know, I know. I’m the worst Baptist ever. My Baptist college won’t even claim me anymore now that I went off the deep end and baptized my baby in an Anglican church.

The monk fascination started with a love for the liturgy. My faith often feels weak and really delicate. I need an earthy reassurance. There’s something about the liturgy that secures me, that tethers me in a fixed, permanent way to the believers who’ve gone before me. It’s this powerful connection. I love that the prayers and creeds and scripture passages we speak on Sunday in the liturgy are the same that believers all over the world are speaking. I love that we’re praying what has been prayed for centuries.

August’s birth changed everything, including my spiritual life. I was prepared for the outward changes motherhood would bring: diapering and comforting and feeding. But I wasn’t prepared for what motherhood would do to my inner life. My sense of normalcy changed so much that I struggled to focus on anything else but August. The time and attention that prayer required seemed impossible and that produced in me an overwhelming anxiety. I needed to relearn how to pray.

Around that time I was reading Kathleen Norris’ book The Cloister Walk, a book about a year she spent in a Benedictine monastery. Her prologue mentions that Benedictines live as if there is enough time each day for work, study, rest and prayer. And I had this moment of clarity: That’s what I need. Enough time to be a mom and pray and still enjoy the things and people I love. So I figured I’d better let Benedict and his monks start teaching me how to not be a crazy mother.

What was one of the biggest surprises about motherhood for you?

Amazingly, it has relaxed me. August has slowed me down in really lovely ways. Since I’m a naturally anxious person, I was fearful that when he was born, I’d be freaking out and screaming at my husband and constantly worried about all the ways he could die. And don’t get me wrong, I can still be nervous about the little guy, but the first time I held him, I felt my insides settle a little.

I have always been concerned with doing enough, wanting my life to count for something. Being a mother naturally forced me into another schedule, a much slower, all consuming schedule. And I can’t find my worth any more in how much I can “accomplish” each day. Because, really, with a toddler, I can’t accomplish much other than playing and eating and living.

You've been a mom for a couple of years now, in two different parts of the country. How is motherhood in San Francisco different from being a mom in Philadelphia?

We were in the suburbs in Philly. And we are right in the city here in San Francisco. I love being in the city with August. He’s exposed to so much of the world here. I love that we can walk down our block at 8:30 in the morning and see fifty elderly people from Chinatown doing Tai-Chi in the park. He hears people speaking Mandarin all the time. We come across homeless people every day and he’s learning to smile at them and say hi. I love the community feeling of having one park that all the kids in the neighborhood go to every day because there’s nowhere else to play.

In Philly, August had some really special adults in his life who loved him and prayed for him. As much as we live in more of a physical community here, it’s surface level and based around location. I know it takes time to develop meaningful relationships, but I miss the support system we had in Philadelphia.

You have a prestigious MFA in poetry from Syracuse. How is that degree impacting your life right now? (I ask this on behalf of the blue-collar side of our family.)

Thank you for the meaningful question, brother! It’s impacting my life because poetry is just a part of my life. I’ve always loved sound and form and rhythm. Poetry creates an emotion or image or moment of beauty in such a small amount of space. Every word has a purpose. Nothing’s wasted. Poetry doesn’t need anything other than words to do its work. The words make the rhythm; the language is the music.

I know that people get their MFAs in poetry to actually “become” poets and though I’m not saying I’m a poetry failure, I’m also not an MFA success story. I worked on publishing poems for a while and got burned out by it. I don’t think I have what it takes to make it in the dangerous world of poetry! Maybe that’ll change and I’ll pursue it again, but for now I think poetry’s role in my life is to make me a mother who loves Art and allows that to give me joy and help me pray.

Plus, my blog is committed to memorizing poems! Woohoo!

Describe the three Boyett siblings, as a whole, in a sentence of six words or less.

Three blond child-waifs eat burritos.

I think that fittingly describes our childhood.

Wow. I wasn't sure you could do it, but that pretty much sums it up. Well done. So after three weeks of blogging, what do you like best about it?

I love the pressure of writing everyday. I love hearing from readers and feeling like we’re connecting. And I love having a place where I can work through what I’m learning on a daily basis.

What are your goals for Mama:Monk?

I want Mama:Monk to be a place that challenges me and my readers to live a life of contemplation in the midst of the craziness of motherhood. I’m hoping it challenges us to live out a calling to hospitality in a culture that has locked individual families away neatly in suburban homes and broken our relationships to the point that friendships are something we have to schedule.

I want it to be a place where we can struggle with the complexities of being a stay-at-home mom in a culture that doesn’t value that choice. I hate meeting new people and having to answer the, “So what do you do?” question. It’s so loaded. Why is it so hard to value myself and my role as a stay-at-home mom? I want to learn how to answer that question without feeling like a lame-o.

I want to learn with my readers how to be moms of confidence and joy who live like monks, without being bald and wearing robes. (Well, sometimes I wear a robe.)

Why is August (the child) awesome?

Because today while we read his dinosaur book. I read: “There were dinosaurs with clubs on their tails,” and he lovingly caressed the dinosaur and said: “Boomboom! Owowow!”

Why is August (the month) awesome?

Fireflies. Swimming pools. My birthday. New school clothes!

What do you think my readers need to know about me that I probably would never tell them because I am too image-conscious?

They should know that when you were in high school you tried to be a Christian rapper. Mom sewed you several pairs of MC Hammer-esque balloon pants -- I recall a pair of black with white polka dots -- which you wore on a daily basis (or at least around our house). You and some friends performed a rap at my youth group’s middle school Valentine party. And (should I say it?), you called yourselves “The Sheep Posse.”

Wow. It’s out there. How do you feel, buddy?

Well. I certainly regret having asked that question. You couldn't have talked about my beautiful hair? Regardless: Sheep posse, ho!

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So that's my sister, Micha. If you're a mom -- stay-at-home or otherwise -- you need to be reading her blog. If you're like me, you'll also enjoy it, just because my sister is a deep spiritual thinker, a voracious reader, and a gifted writer.

Go get to know the Mama:Monk and follow her on Twitter.

12 Mostly True Facts About St. Patrick

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Let us reflect today on the life of the great 5th century patron saint of Ireland, who lived in the 5th century.

1. St. Patrick wasn't born in Ireland. He was born in Britain. And when he was born, he wasn't named St. Patrick. It was just Patrick. Or, actually Naomh Padraig. Or Gaewyn. Either way, the "saint" part came later.

2. Truly the best part about St. Patrick's story is that, as a teenager, he was kidnapped by pirates. Pirates! Avast!

3. Eventually the pirates sold him as a slave to an Irish landowner who gave young Pat the job of tending sheep. After a months as a pirate captive, shepherding can seem pretty boring, so Patrick decided that prayer would make the long hours of nothing much happening...well, not quite as long. By his account, he prayed up to a hundred times a day.

4. Several years into his slavery, God appeared to Patrick in a dream and told him to pack up and head for the coast. So he did. Historically, it's hard to tell whether he escaped or was freed, but we do know that he traveled around 200 miles to a seaport, where he made friends with some sailors and headed out for a vacation on the high seas before returning to his family. Don't judge him. He'd been a slave! A guy's gotta let loose.

5. Once back home, his piratey adventures behind him, Patrick began training for the priesthood. Then he had another vision in which the people of Ireland were calling for him to come back to the land of his slavery. Specifically, they requested that he "come and walk among us." Sheep herding was not mentioned, so Pat was cool with it. He went back to Ireland.

6. Back in Ireland, he performed a variety of pious activities. Like converting thousands of people, including pagan kings and their entire kingdoms.

7. He also, according to legend, explained the concept of the Trinity by using, as an example, a three-fingered leprechaun. Wait, that's not right. It was a three-leafed shamrock.

8. You'll occasionally find St. Patrick pictured with a bunch of snakes. That's because, according to legend, he drove all the snakes out of Ireland. Which is an interesting fact seeing how the surrounded-by-water, post-glacial geography of Ireland has never been a very good snake habitat, so giving Patrick credit for the absence of snakes in Ireland is like giving Oral Roberts credit for the lack of swordfish in Oklahoma.

9. In retrospect, a lot of historians think "snakes" are a metaphor for pagan druids.

10. Beware the poisonous red, yellow, and black-striped coral pagan druid. Remember, "red and yellow, kill a fellow."

11. Speaking of killing fellows, one story has a pagan druid chieftain named Dichu attempting to stop Patrick from entering Ireland as a missionary. As pagan druids often do when confronted with missionary activity, he lifted his sword to cleave Patrick in two. But suddenly Dichu's arm became rigid, and he was unable to move it until he pledged obedience to Patrick. Dichu became the first Irish convert to Christianity.

12. Sure, Ireland gets all the press for claiming Patrick as its patron saint. But you know who else he's the patron saint of? Nigeria, that's who. Because Patrick once traveled there after being told that the widow of a deposed African dictator needed his help to access a large amount of unclaimed money, and could he please provide account transfer information to help secure his percentage of the funds?

13. March 17 is believed to be Patrick's death date -- either in 461 or 493 (it's disputed) -- so eventually that became his feast day and a good excuse to pinch people and/or drink green beer.

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For additional fun facts about St. Patrick (and other saint), check out my 2009 book Pocket Guide to Sainthood.

Ride:Well Tour Participant Chase Livingston

Chase Livington has been a reader of this blog since he won one of my contests back in the summer of 2009 ("Chia: An Inconvenient Pet"). I recently found out that Chase has been accepted as one of the participants in the Ride:Well bicycle tour across the United States this summer. It's a big fundraiser for Blood:Water Mission, made famous when Don Miller participated in the first event a couple years ago.

Anyway, to help raise money for this worthy cause, Chase is giving away signed copies of my book Pocket Guide to the Bible for every $25 donation.

I'm sorta biased, I think this is a great idea and asked if I could interview him about it.

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Tell us about yourself. For those who don't know, who are you?

I am a husband, caregiver, and storyteller. I am an aspiring advocate for victims of extreme poverty, modern-day slavery, and sex trafficking. I hope to motivate young adults to take their lives seriously and to passionately pursue mercy rather than money or mediocrity. Also, as my mom will tell you, I try to be funny.

I write at chasebook.wordpress.com and contribute regularly to Christ and Pop Culture.

Why did you decide to apply to participate in the Ride:Well tour?

I blame Donald Miller.

We moved to Jackson from Nashville last year to provide care for my wife’s mom, who requires live-in assistance. This was not the ideal time to forsake a state job (or any job for that) but it had to be done. Unable even to secure an interview, I spent most of the year worried.

I had been reading Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years when, up too late one November night, I scoured job sites in futility. In that book he tells of his involvement with the inaugural Ride:Well Tour in 2008. He details his hesitation and how he concluded that, aside from fear, he had no reason not to participate.

When I read that Ride:Well was taking applications [for the 2010 Tour], I could faintly hear Donald Miller’s voice as if it were calling from a wheat field and directing me to build something. I believed the cause a worthy one. I had supported it for years. Unemployed, I didn’t have anything better to do and that didn’t appear to be changing anytime soon. I wanted to be an advocate but I waited for approval. Why? This was my ticket.

I was beckoned from a wheat field: Go!

You heard it here first. Don Miller isn't just a great writer and speaker. He may also be the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson. Anyway, what are the specifics of the Tour?

On June 2nd, 15 of us depart from San Diego on a cross-country cycling expedition en route to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where we will arrive 3,000 miles later on July 26th. Along the way, we will stop and share with churches and others about the need for clean water to combat and prevent disease in sub-Saharan Africa.

This year we have the privilege of sharing the experience with Anne Jackson, author of Mad Church Disease and the forthcoming Permission to Speak Freely.

[Note: I interviewed Anne back in 2008 before the release of Mad Church Disease.]

What was your response upon finding out your application had been accepted?

I expected not to be accepted. I was preparing myself for that. The interview went amazingly but I've learned that doesn't always mean very much. They called back and asked a couple of clarifying questions. I was babbling explanations when I realized he (Josh Iniguez) wanted to speak. He said, "I'd like to invite you to be a part of the 2010 Ride:Well Southern Tour." I was so surprised I answered dryly, "OK." After hanging up the phone, I started laughing. It was a moment of great joy.

Were you a bike rider beforehand? What are you doing to prepare for the Tour?

Actually, no. People have said, "I didn't know you were a cyclist." I tell them, "I am becoming one." Through the winter months, the stationary bike has been my best friend. I was doing 10 miles most days. Other days, I alternated between the treadmill and strength training exercises. I'm glad that it's warming up now, I've been able to go out on the road everyday this week. By the end of March, I look to be doing 20 miles comfortably.

I've adjusted my diet a bit and have joined Fat Church...err...Weight Watchers. So far, in two weeks, I've lost eight pounds. They gave me a sticker!

Congratulations on your sticker. What are you looking forward to most about the experience?

It will be nice to see the country (I've never been west of Louisiana) and pushing my limits is a big plus, but the thing I am most anticipating is one which I have already gotten a taste for: watching as people recognize a need and then get pumped about meeting that need. That really changes the shape of a person's life. It brings hope in.

What's the scariest thing about it?

I'm afraid I'll get hit by a car. That fear has been with me many years, which makes it pretty hilarious that I am going through with this.

It's likely that I'll get lost. I got lost on nearly every youth trip I ever went on. On one of my outings this week, I made a wrong turn and ended up 3 miles out of the way. Of course, GPS will be mandatory for me.

I am most concerned about how excessively I am going to miss my wife.

Where did the Pocket Guide to the Bible giveaway idea come from? (Thanks for that, by the way.)

Last summer, I won your "Name Your Own Toy-Based Movie" contest. My winning entry was, Chia: An Inconvenient Pet. My prize was a copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible. Upon receipt of it, I immediately recognized its potential as both a gift and a handy resource.

This is my first foray into fundraising but I take my campaign very seriously. I aim to accumulate several thousand dollars above the required amount. My goals are huge, yet my resources are limited. So, I'm considering every option. I remembered that you had a garage full of Pocket Guide to the Bible. I believed that all variety of people would find this a worthy incentive to give.

How much do you still need to fund the trip?

$3,700, but $1,000 of that is a required donation to Blood:Water Mission. I am anxious to arrive at that point $2,700 dollars from now when trip expenses are covered and I can say, "Every dollar provides water for one African for one year." I think people will be more enthusiastic about that. I know I will.

How can my readers help you reach your goal?

A $25 donation will get them an autographed copy of your Pocket Guide to the Bible and an entry to win 61 other books from my personal library. If I could sell all 124 copies, I'd be just short of the amount I need to raise.

Additionally, I am launching what I call the 1,000 Blogs Project. I have adapted the name from Blood:Water's 1,000 Wells Project in which they have set out to build or restore a total of 1,000 wells. My project is simpler and slightly less ambitious. I want to get an outrageous number of bloggers to commit to raise $55 for Ride:Well Tour by way of their blogs before April 3rd, the last day of the 40 Days of Water Campaign. If 1,000 people did this, we could make up $55,000 for clean water.

Also, I will guest post about this wherever anyone will let me. I am eager to get the word out. Contact me if you are interested in either of these ideas. charles.livingston at gmail.com

Together we can build an army of people concerned about a crisis and moved to respond. It is dire, but it is not hopeless. Something can be done. Change can be effected.

Thank you.

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Thank you, Chase. Best of luck in the fundraising and the eventual Tour. Now, go get on your bike.

Follow Chase on Twitter to keep up with his fundraising and, eventually, the progress of the Tour. If you want to help spread the word, get in touch with him and blog about it. And if you have a few spare bucks, give toward his campaign.

More Questions about Writing

More writing-related questions. Let's get right to them:

What is your opinion on self-publishing?

Just a few years ago, self-publishing was how writers got their books printed when the books weren't good enough to get printed "for real" in the traditional sense. It carried a bit of a stigma -- bypassing official channels -- and most of the writing and publishing world looked down on it. It was expensive, too. But that stigma is decreasing more and more, and so is the cost, and self-publishing is becoming a viable alternative. Thanks to publish-on-demand places like BookSurge and Lulu, it's easier than ever.

But it's still hard. Unless something crazy happens, your self-published book probably won't sell very much, or get the attention of an agent or publisher. Unless you're a good designer or willing to pay one, it won't look like a "real" book. Unless you get a pro to edit it or you're a better writer than most professional writers, it won't read like a real book, either.

So self-publishing is easier and more acceptable than ever, but I'd still only use it as a last resort if you've tried all options for your book -- or if you have the kind of book that will sell in a niche market and you're willing and able to sell it like a maniac.

But don't take my word for it, because I don't know too much about it. Here's a great overview by a guy who's actually done it: 25 Things You Need to Know About Self-Publishing.

I'm reading a book right now that was self-published. It's called The Gospel According to Chubby, by Jeremy Rochford. I'm pretty sure he wrote it intending to self-publish from the beginning. It's very well done and a compelling read, but I keep finding myself thinking, why didn't he take this to a publisher first?

How do you feel about e-books?

I don't have any problem with e-books, and am not the kind of writer who goes on and on about the textile value of a book in your hand, the smell of paper, the death of real reading, and all that stuff. To survive, the book industry will have to evolve, and e-books are the next step. As the Kindle continues to improve -- and as the iPad does whatever it's going to do -- we'll see the market for e-books expand. This is good for publishers and writers in the long run, because e-books are cheaper to produce and distribute. iTunes was good for musicians. It can be good for writers, too.

I still prefer to read a book the old-fashioned way, but that's probably because I don't yet have a Kindle. My Pocket Guides are available for Kindle, by the way. Pocket Guide to the Bible, Pocket Guide to the Afterlife, Pocket Guide to Sainthood

What's your favorite type of work? (Melanie)

I love having written a book, but I can't say I adore the process of writing books, especially since most of mine are very intense when it comes to research. Don't take this as me complaining about getting to write books. I know I'm living the dream of a lot of aspiring writers. But writing research-heavy books under deadline, when you already have a full-time job, is mentally and physically taxing, to say the least. It's enjoyable, but it's a weird kind of enjoyable, like running a marathon.

I like finishing work -- checking things off a list -- and that's one reason copywriting appeals to me. It involves a lot of small projects. I can work on a brochure or website FAQ and finish it within a short period of time. Writing print ads are a creative challenge, and TV and radio commercial scripts are fun, too. I love writing for Twitter, both personally and for client work (yes, I actually have a couple of clients for whom I ghost-tweet).

So, short-form work pushes a lot of my buttons. Books take months to complete, and as a result it's hard to keep my intensity and enjoyment level up. But I'd much rather look back at a year and say "I wrote that book in 2009" than look back and say "I wrote 2,360 tweets in 2009." Call me crazy.

How do you not get ripped off when publishing a book? (Nicodemus at Nite)

I'm not sure I completely understand this question. Does it mean "why do you continue writing books when you make so little money at it?" That's how I take it, and it's a legitimate question. The truth is that only a very small percentage of writers make a good living from writing books. I am not within that percentage, but I continue to write. It takes hours and hours of commitment, and I make way more per hour as a copywriter than I do as a book writer. So why do I do it?

Part of it has to do with my identity. I won't lie: I like identifying myself as a writer, because it sets me apart. It impresses people, even though most of them have never heard of my books. It helps me get clients, too, in my regular job. When a business asks for samples of my work, I can give them a book. Or 9 books. It makes for a nice addition to the resume. And there are other benefits, too: because I've written these books, I get invited to speak in interesting places. I've gotten to be on DVDs and cable documentaries. I get to do radio and magazine interviews. Once, I almost got my own TV show gig out of it. Fun stuff.

And there's always the potential. The hope that someday I'll hit it big and writing books can be my full-time job and I can roll around in pools of money like Scrooge McDuck. (Shoutout: Bryan.)

But mostly, I write books because I like to do it. It gives me a sense of fulfillment. It's become part of who I am -- like competing in triathlons or running long distances. Some people see the time and effort I put into it and the meager reward it brings, and they think I'm crazy. But I wouldn't have it any other way. The best-lived lives are the ones that look a little bit crazy.

Or maybe I'm totally misreading the question and it's about getting ripped off in another way? I don't know. If I missed the point, Nicodemus, let me know.

Can you juggle?

Yes.

Assuming you could use only five condiments the rest of your life and they were stored in a fresh and never-ending supply in one finger each on one of your hands, which condiments would you choose and which finger would they be stored in?

Thumb: Salsa. Is salsa a condiment? I hope it is, because it's a staple of my diet. It would have to be fresh salsa, though. Homemade. Not that stuff in a jar at the grocery store.

Pointer finger: Miracle Whip Light. If I eat a sandwich, wrap, or hamburger, you can bet it will have the tangy zip of Miracle Whip (Light).

Middle finger: Because you have to have ketchup for french fries or burgers. You just have to. In a pinch, it will even replace barbecue sauce.

Ring finger: Honey. Because I love honey on biscuits, toast, bread, crescent rolls, fruit, nuggets from Chick-Fil-A, and occasionally in hot tea.

Pinky finger: Syrup. I'm a fan of honey, but honey on waffles or pancakes instead of syrup is just wrong. I don't need a ton of it, but a life without syrup is unimaginable.

And now I am filled with deep regret that I have no digits left for Louisiana Hot Sauce. If I were tied to these five fingers and these five condiments for the rest of my life, I would seriously consider plastic surgery so I could fit in the hot sauce. Maybe I could shoot it from my wrist?

(Thanks to my brother for asking me this question, which came from something he saw on Deadspin.)

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If you want to answer the finger/condiments question for yourself, you go right ahead.

Do It Well

Today I went to the funeral of my great uncle James Johnson, my paternal grandmother's older brother. He was one month shy of turning 90. He was recently honored by his church for having been a Baptist deacon for 50 years. He's had cancer for the last several years. He was a good man.

I returned from the funeral to discover that the cancer prognosis of my friend Michael Spencer, the Internet Monk, is grim. Not good at all. Maybe six months. Maybe he's got a year. And this is the year his first book is being released. Finally. This was supposed to be his big year. And now...

Crap.

Michael's wife Denise wrote this yesterday:

Though he will still say with unashamed honesty, "I don’t want it to all be over at age 53!" he has the confidence of knowing that he has run the race God set out for him. He believes he has done the work our Lord intended for him to do, and if the last task God has for him in this life is dying, then he will do that to the best of his ability.

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Whether you're living or dying, whether you're a middle-aged blogger in Kentucky or an elderly deacon in Texas, whether you're enjoying ice cream with your girlfriend or wrestling with your kids, whether you're going to school or heading off to the factory, whether you're working or playing or singing or laughing, do it to the best of your ability.

Do it because you can.

And do it well.

Life is too short to aim low.

FAQs About Freelance Writing

I get questions quite often from aspiring writers and freelancers who want to know about what I do and how I do it and is there any chance in the world they can do it, too?

So I usually email them back with brief answers. But I thought it might be interesting to post some of my answers to those frequently asked questions (and other questions) here on the blog. Maybe you've long been harboring a writing-related question. Maybe I can answer it.

I'm impressed that you're making a living as a freelance writer. I want to do it, too. What's your secret?

My secret is that I don't just make a living as a freelance writer. I get paid for a lot of different things. Here's a top-of-my-head breakdown of my annual income by percentage, based on nothing but flat-out estimates and no real fact-checking:

• Income from books and speaking engagements (20%, though this varies year-to-year)
• Income from writing articles for magazines, etc. (9%)
• Income from corporate copywriting, like newsletters, flyers, TV scripts & advertising (35%)
• Income from graphic design (35%)
• Diamond heists (1%)

So while, technically, the majority of my income is from writing types of services, there's also a big chunk of design income in there. You'll notice how very little of my earnings come from the books and magazine articles -- and I'm not a newbie writer or anything. I could probably write more magazine stuff if I wanted to (I end up turning down quite a few assignments when on deadline for a book manuscript, for the sake of simplicity), but I doubt I could write more books than one every six months or so.

The conclusion? It's very, very difficult to make a living solely as a freelance publication writer. I do that stuff to keep my name out there and maintain a platform, in hopes that someday one of my books will hit big. But I write the client-based stuff so my kids can eat. It pays better, and it pays more regularly. That's my secret.

How do you get the place where magazines will assign you stories?

It's difficult. Here's how it worked for me. First, I got to know a magazine. Read it. Saw what kinds of articles it ran and how they were written. Then, I came up with an idea for an article that would fit within the mag's framework. Then, though the magic of networking, I got myself introduced to an editor there. (This is key: finding someone who already knows the editor and can introduce you, so when you pitch them an idea, it's not coming from someone they've never heard of. Unfortunately, it helped in my case that I had written some books, because that means they're not taking a risk on an unknown writer.)

Then, once you've met the editor, you pitch your article idea, usually via email. Maybe they like it and assign it. You do an awesome job with it, turn in a crisp and publishable article ahead of deadline. They like it and think, He's good. We should work with him more often. And then your name pops up from time to time when they are brainstorming article ideas for new issues. So they ask you to write more stuff.

That's how it works. You have to get their attention and then deliver on what you've promised. You earn their trust. Only then do you get invited back to the dance. It's the initial getting-their-attention part that's hard, because unless you can get an introduction or already have quality work to your name, they hesitate to take a risk on an unknown.

Will you introduce me to a magazine editor?

Maybe. But probably not. The only way I'll introduce you is if I know you are a good writer and a good fit with a particular magazine. I can't risk introducing a shoddy, unproven freelancer. If I do, I am wasting the time and resources of editors with whom I've worked hard to build a good reputation. So I'll only introduce you if I think you're a sure thing.

So based on the income breakdown above, you're not a millionaire from writing books?

Yes, of course I'm a millionaire. What you don't know is that my annual income is $100 million. Around $20 million of it comes from my books.

Silly rabbit. The reality is that, even for someone like me who has written 10 books and had a moderately successful sales record (which pretty much means I sell enough that publishers are willing to continuing taking a chance on me from book to book), it's hard to make a full-time living just by doing this. Unless you're a big-name who has hit the best seller list -- and can coast on those royalties and the notoriety for a few years -- you're probably not going to make a living solely on book royalties. That's why most authors also do a lot of speaking engagements, or are on-staff at magazines, or teach at the college level, or plan and execute diamond heists.

Will you write a review of my new album for Relevant Magazine? You're on-staff there, right?

No. I am not on staff at Relevant, though I do write for them pretty often. They've been republishing a lot of my old stuff among their online articles, so it seems like I'm always writing something for them. But it's a lot less than you think.

Either way, I have only written one music review in my life. It was for Andrew Osenga's album The Morning. Which was awesome. So unless you're Andy, I don't do music reviews.

(You'd be surprised how often I get asked about this. Everyone wants to be in Relevant.)

I saw you on the History Channel the other day talking about the Apocalypse. Will you please read my 10,000-word manifesto about the end of the world in 2012 and my theory that Barack Obama is the Antichrist and the Jonas Brothers are the prophets spoken of in the Book of Revelation?

No, crazy person. I do not want to read your insane scribblings about the end of the world. Perhaps this wasn't clear in the documentary you saw, but I wrote a book making fun of people like you. And anyway, Obama isn't the Antichrist. That's way too obvious. The person you need to be focusing on is someone like Oprah.

Though I admit the Jonas Brothers idea is intriguing, if only because skinny jeans have long been considered a sign of the coming apocalypse.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like Bob Harper from Biggest Loser?

No. That's news to me.

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If you have a writing-related question for me (or any other kind of question), leave it in the comments. Maybe I'll answer in an upcoming FAQ post.

Phyllis Tickle Endorses!

Some people get nervous when their books release to the public and the reviews start pouring in. But the most nervous I get is when advance copies of my books go out to endorsers. Usually, I've hand-picked these first readers because either 1) I know them already and think the book will resonate with them, or 2) Their name carries such weight that I'm just taking a shot in the dark. Because you'll never score if you don't take the shot, right?

So you send your book out to famous people or well-known writers or whomever. In most cases, they are people I look up to. People whom I think are better writers, or more successful, or whatever kinds of self-defeating thoughts pop into my head. So I'm always nervous, because endorsers are people I so want to impress...and, at the same time, endorsers are people who are generally hard to impress. They are busy. Their time is valuable. They're writing their own books or seeking their own endorsers. When my books hit their mailboxes, I'm always worried I'll strike out. That these big-time voices will be unimpressed with my work and decline the endorsement.

Today I feel relieved. Stunned, happy, and relieved. Because the first endorsement for O Me of Little Faith just came in, and I would be plenty satisfied if this was the only one I got.

Because it's from Phyllis Tickle. THE Phyllis Tickle. Legendary former religion editor for Publisher's Weekly. Best-selling author of The Divine Hours and The Great Emergence. One of my favorite spiritual writers.

I sent a copy to her because of Reason #2 above. We weren't acquainted beforehand, though we share a publisher at Jossey-Bass. I asked my editors there for an introduction. I had no idea whether she would agree to look at the book -- or even like the book -- but I was going to take a shot.

Her endorsement arrived today:

"Never before have I known of—much less ever read--a book about Christian doubt that is chocked full of laughter and sanctity, confessional candor and credible confession all at one and the same time. In fact, I did not even know that such a book could be written; but that’s exactly what Jason Boyett has done. O Me of Little Faith is the work of a devout, passionate, and believing doubter, and it has the ring of truth on every single page."

Wow. I'm humbled, excited, and relieved. And relieved, and excited, and humbled.

Whew.

Thank you, Mrs. Tickle. You've made my month.

I Believe...

Yesterday, via my Twitter and Facebook accounts, I asked my friends and followers to complete a phrase any way they liked.

The phrase was "I believe..."

No real reason to do it, other than thinking it would be interesting to see what kinds of responses I'd get. They ran the gamut from the spiritual (belief in God) to the less serious (belief in the power of a cowbell in healing certain fevers) to an unsurprising number of verbatim quotes from songs by Whitney Houston and/or R. Kelly.

Either that, or some people really believe: 1) they can fly and touch the sky, or 2) that children are our future, and we should probably teach them well and let them lead the way.

Anyway, here are the responses, pretty much in the order I received them:

DaronFraley
I believe that our Creator is not the God of just one planet--we are not alone in the universe.

rcichon
I believe you have a lot of time on your hands!

Jeremy_Courtney
I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.

sensuouswife
I believe the best is yet to come

shanellelee
I believe in taking the scenic route.

EmandaSays
I believe your Twitter profile photo looks like Bob Harper from Biggest Loser & I keep waiting for u to tell me to run faster.

contemplife
I believe people are the oddest confluence of imago dei and selfish messes

Vikki Stearns Huisman
I believe that nice guys finish last.

RicknKelley 'Waltz' Gebauer
I believe that biracial kids are absolutely gorgeous!

Sella Maples Garlich
I believe the children are our future. (Sorry, can't help but think of Whitney when I hear those words. I think I've been brainwashed by the top 40 radio of my youth.)

bcourt9048
I believe you can do anything you set your mind to, but only God can do the impossible, unthinkable and unchangeable.

tbone323
I believe that nothing about God is as easy to believe as I used to think it was

ZacHolmes
I believe in a thing called love!! Whoowhoo whoo oo oo ooo! Guitar!

dubdynomite
I believe that there is as much or more good in the world as bad. The good is just not as entertaining to talk about.

mattnightingale
I believe I'd get more done if I shut down Tweetdeck more often.

Delonda Baker Dunn
I believe that Jason Boyett is the most talented, creative and unique individual I've ever met!

(Thanks Delonda. Your check is in the mail.)

Ryan Paige
I believe in the Church of Baseball.

Tracy Karroll
I believe God didn't invent the corporate ladder.

Tanya Summar Bates
I believe that God uses us whether we want Him to or not.

Matt Hafer
I believe every man over 14 who wears a jersey in a non-sports competition fashion is a tool.

Cale D. Hawley
I believe in the fever for the flavor of pringles.

kylechowning
I believe I can fly

brandonsneed
I believe good music is good as any drug. Also, so is Mountain Dew.

Matthew Todd Morgan
I believe I could sleep better at night if Morgan Freeman read to me as I was drifting off.

Rob Swick
I believe that I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!

Scott Grow
I believe that spring can't come soon enough!

Robert Fortner
I believe what I believe, is what makes me what I am.

Scott Jesko
I believe in the magic of Santa Claus.

Kristy Compton Kersh
I believe that Jesus is who he says he is.

Emily Diana Sijabat
I believe in love!

Tommy McGregor
I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky!

Akelaa
I believe I'll have a cookie, thanks

Kyle Davis
I believe because I must. My very human nature demands that I place value in things. It is the only impetus for deliberate action by a human being. I cannot choose to act, or not to act, unless value exists, which by nature implies that a metaphysic must exist. Since I can't prove a metaphysic exists, I must believe.

MarshallJonesJr
I believe the problem isn't dependence - it's who (or what) I'm depending on.

smalltownpastor I believe that God is faithful always!

natedogreimer
I believe NPR did a similar called 'This I Believe'" http://bit.ly/quHBv

OnHerToes
I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

michaelcriner
I believe the gospel.

Cheryl Tooley Lashbrook
I believe because unless i want to go backwards in my life i must believe in order to keep moving forward.

Scott Green
I believe that children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way.

Brooks Boyett
I believe in Kingdom Come, then all the colors will bleed into one. And also that Sasquatch do indeed exist.

Ricky Garzon
I believe that monsters are coming to get me when I close my eyes.

MattTCoNP I believe "the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way" is the start of a rather dumb song.

hemantmehta
I believe... there are no gods :)

kara_schwab
I believe I will have another.

Tess Mallory
I believe that all things work together for good through God and His mercies.

Dawn Xiana Moon
I believe that art and culture matter.

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What do you believe? If you didn't respond yesterday, feel free to state your own belief in the comments. Whatever you want, even if it's related to Sasquatch, aliens, or Whitney Houston.

Seussian Questions

Today is the birthday of Theodor Geisel, who was born on March 2, 1904. I was a huge Dr. Seuss fan when I was a kid. His Happy Birthday to You! remains one of my favorite books of all time. Its illustrations bring back a whole bunch of warm, fuzzy memories. It's my Proustian madeleine, if you'll allow me to make such a nerdy English major allusion.

Anyway, I figure today is a good day for some reader feedback and discussion. Thus, three questions for you to answer in the comments:

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1. What is your favorite Dr. Seuss book?

2. What is your favorite breakfast food?

3. What bad habit are you proudest of having broken?

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My answers kick things off below.

Six Jesus Statues That Creep Me Out

Jesus statues: Like MTV reality shows and limericks about an island south of Cape Cod, rarely are they made in good taste. Occasionally they are just plain disturbing, as in these examples...

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1. Drowning Jesus



This 62-feet high sculpture of Jesus rises out of a reflecting pool near the 3,000-member Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio. It faces I-75, and is supposed to be Jesus with his hands raised in post-Resurrection worship. But the placement at the end of a reflecting pool doesn't exactly say "Glory to God" so much as it says "Help! I'm drowning."

Or, in the fall, "Touchdown!"

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2. Ninja Victim Jesus



Some people might be taken aback by the a bit-darker-than-typically-Jewish olive skin tone of this Jesus, or by the frilly lace undergarment he seems to be wearing beneath his royal purple robes. But me? I'm concerned that, in addition to his crucifixion wounds, his head has clearly been pierced by trident-shaped weaponry. Had there been ninjas at the crucifixion, I could have gotten a lot more of my elementary-school friends to visit Sunday School with me.

No idea where this Jesus statue comes from, but that's OK, because I'm not sure I need to see it in close proximity.

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3. Weirdly Overdressed Baby Jesus




Toward the beginning of the 17th century, a statue of the infant Jesus was given to a group of discalced Carmelites in Prague. The donor was a Spanish princess who'd received it as a wedding gift. The Carmelites set it up at their monastery, and performed special devotions to it twice a day until the monastery was plundered in 1631 by a bunch of Lutheran Protestants during the 30 Years War. The statue was thrown into a pile of trash behind the altar, until seven years later it was joyfully rediscovered. Today you can see it at the Church of Our Lady Victorious in Prague -- along with a number of ornate outfits that have been made for it over the years.

Yes. Outfits. According to the stories, this little baby Jesus statue protected Prague during the 30 Years War. And today, those who pray before this statue of baby Jesus can expect blessings, healings, and spiritual favors. So people love this statue, and make clothing for it.

Of course, baby Jesus would have come from a working-class village, and probably wouldn't have been caught dead in these fancy duds even on the day the Magi arrived. And anyway, there is no way such a wide robe would have fit in the manger. Who puts babies in that kind of twerpy clothing anyway? One leaky diaper and you've ruined a good tapestry.

And according to most parenting magazines -- and basic physics -- you're not supposed to put gigantic crowns on the heads of infants, especially during those first few months when they have weak little necks. Sheesh.

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4. Jesus with Gaping Chest Wound



Look, I'm pretty sympathetic to Catholicism. Have some good friends who are Catholic. Love the Catholic devotional writers like Manning and Nouwen. Really appreciate the Benedictines and am a huge fan of the saints. (The religious ones, though the football team's OK, too.)

But I've never understood the Sacred Heart of Jesus devotional statues and paintings. The hand and feet wounds are disturbing enough. I don't need Jesus calling my attention to his open chest cavity and the apparently still-beating heart located inside it. Even if that heart is beating for me. And even if mystical light is shining forth out of the aorta and even if the whole thing is surrounded by a tiny little crown of thorns. Because, I'm sorry, that's weird.

For what it's worth, the whole Sacred Heart of Jesus devotional theme -- which is supposed to call attention to Christ's love for humanity, and encourages me to show my own love and adoration for him -- seems to have begun with a series of visions experienced by Sister Marguerite Marie Alacoque, a mystic French nun in the 17th century.

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5. Skateboarding Jesus with No Skateboard



For its 50th anniversary, Our Lady Immaculate and St. Philip Neri Catholic church in England wanted a contemporary-looking statue of Jesus to be placed 100 feet up in the air near the top of the church's bell tower. So they commissioned a barefoot Jesus who was wearing jeans and a mostly unbuttoned dress shirt to match his artfully unkempt hair and trimmed beard. And also, apparently, he needed to look like he was riding an invisible skateboard. And also, it was windy.

Why? Because the church “wanted a figure of Christ not in suffering but dynamic and welcoming.” And nothing says Welcome to Our Church like a levitating sk8tr boi Jesus in a hurricane.

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6. Jesus You Should Take a Step Back From



During a spectacular lightning storm in Rio de Janiero in February 2008, the world's largest Jesus statue, Christ the Redeemer at the top of Mt. Corcovado, got struck by lightning. Sure, there's that whole thing about lightning striking the tallest structure in an area, but let's ignore basic meteorology to get to the confusing theological implications of this event. Like: what does God have against giant Jesus statues, and why?

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Question for the crowd: Have you ever seen a Jesus statue you actually liked?

Hi, I'm Bob (Apparently)

You know what people tell me often enough that I'm starting to feel weird about it? That I look like super-trainer Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser:



Granted, these are people who typically don't see me shirtless. And I don't pose for many photos shirtless, except that new Zondervan Authors Beefcake calendar I'm doing with Rob Bell and Rick Warren.

But I have to admit, Bob is a nice-lookin' guy.



I think it's because we both have blue eyes. And scruffy chins. And gigantic foreheads. We are similar in that scruffy giant-forehead kind of way.





Thanks to Kyle Trafton for the sweet publicity photos.

Worm Hunters, Bowel Disease, and Book Titles

This is awards season. And like most of us, I get really into awards season. I like it all -- the competition, the drama, the unapologetic self-promotion, the lethal robot behavior...

Oh, you thought I was talking about Hollywood? No. I don't care that much about the Oscars or Grammys or any of that. My favorite award isn't given out in Hollywood. It's not even given out in the United States. Nope, it's a British book award: the The Bookseller Magazine’s annual Diagram Prize for the Oddest Book Title of the Year (The Bookseller is the UK’s industry mag).

Nominations are in and this year's list has been narrowed to six spectacular finalists -- and the public gets to vote on the winner.

Here's the shortlist of finalists:

• Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter,
by David Crompton (Glenstrae Press)

• Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich,
by James A Yannes (Trafford)

• Crocheting Adventures with Hyperbolic Planes, by Daina Taimina (A K Peters)

• Governing Lethal Behavior in Autonomous Robots, by Ronald C Arkin (CRC Press)

• The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease, by Ellen Scherl and Maria Dubinsky (SLACK Inc)

• What Kind of Bean is This Chihuahua? by Tara Jansen-Meyer (Mirror)

Past winners include masterpieces like Living with Crazy Buttocks and The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-Milligram Containers of Fromage Frais.

This is an excellent crop of nominees. I've been trying to fit the phrase "Worm Hunter" into the title or subtitle of one of my books for years, and just haven't found a way to do it. So congrats to David Crompton. I've never been much into spoon-collecting or crochet, but potentially lethal autonomous robots? Sign me up. I've been warning people of the coming robot apocalypse for decades, and this book seems to be something we all need to read. And inflammatory bowel disease is no laughing matter...if you suffer from it. But if you have healthy bowels? And if you're a frat boy? Well, then, that's one hilarious book title. I have no idea what kinds of changes are in store with inflammatory bowel disease, but I can't imagine they're good changes.

And for the record, I have no idea what kind of bean that chihuahua is. That's a real thinker, right along with What's the difference between a duck? and What doessss it have in its pocketssss?

Anyway, exercise your freedom, bibliophiles. Make your voice heard. Vote today (there's a poll at the bottom of the left-hand sidebar).

Mad Libs Contest Winner!

Thanks to everyone who entered yesterday's fill-in-the-blank Mad Libs contest using a line from O Me of Little Faith.

I discovered two things from the contest:

1) Creativity, among readers of this blog, is apparently a license to describe the pestering of animals. Mice, Jack Russell Terriers, cats, birds, sheep, llamas, gophers, flies, chickens, buffalos and Velociraptors all made appearances. Variously disturbing things were being done to them. I fear a PETA backlash.

2) The excitement of animal-bothering can be a distraction. That's my conclusion, since many failed to follow the explicit parts of speech needed for the sentence. A number of the entries were disqualified for not adhering to the specified last two words: on a/an (place) (noun). Sorry. But rules are rules, and this is a highly legalistic blog.

Anyway, I've chosen some finalists from the qualifying entries. Here they are:

Lauree
... like herding cats with a laser pointer on a glass company truck rack.

(Lauree used some extra words but followed the intent of the law, so I'll allow it. And the idea of cats chasing a laser pointer surrounded by glass is awesome.)

Danny Bixby
...is like soothing velociraptors with an airhorn on a fault line.

(Great imagery. And I will almost always respond favorably to sentences about Velociraptors.)

Denise
...is like shearing sheep with a lightsaber on a Six Flags roller coaster.

(Lads like me love alliteration. And shearing sheep with a lightsaber sounds really fun, whether a thrill ride is involved or not.)

dkamfam
...is like twirling matches with a fork on a desert island.

(A person who could do this would no doubt be elected the leader of the survivors following a plane crash, though that might also mean a lot of headaches what with the time travel and polar bears and stuff.)

bobfromchicago
...is like catching flies with chopsticks on a Niagara Falls tightrope.

Bob wins! I give Bob the creative victory for two reasons, because his sentence involves two distinct cultural and historical allusions. #1 is the Karate Kid catching-flies-with-chopsticks thing, which I love because Mr. Miyagi = awesome. References to movies from the '80s are always welcome here. #2 is because the Niagara Falls tightrope refers to the Great Blondin, a daredevil from the 1800s who crossed the falls several times on a tightrope and who -- get this -- makes an appearance in O Me of Little Faith. A pretty important appearance, metaphorically speaking. Bob? Where'd you get an advance copy of the book?

Bob, send me your shipping address and I'll give you a signed Pocket Guide to the Bible along with a copy of Picking Dandelions by Sarah Cunningham.

And Denise gets second place, because the shearing-sheep-with-a-lightsaber image is irrevocably wedged in my brain. So cool. Denise, send me your shipping address and I'll put a signed Pocket Guide to the Bible in the mail for you.

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What was the original sentence from O Me of Little Faith?

The practice of praying in my head -- of lining up stray thoughts to present them to God in an official, well-reasoned and coherent manner -- is like sweeping marbles with a push-broom on a gym floor. I can’t sustain it for any length of time before everything scatters.

O Me of Little Faith Mad Libs

So I have a new contest idea. While reading for my audiobook last week, I was pleasantly re-introduced to one of my favorite sentences from the upcoming book. I smiled when I read it, and I remembered that one of my early readers (my sister, who has just started blogging and it's about freaking time) had marked it with a happy face on an early draft. So I thought I'd post the sentence here...only Mad Lib style.

That's right: I'll give you the parts of speech, and your job is to fill in the blanks.

The most creative entry will win a two-book prize: a copy of Picking Dandelions (the great new title from Sarah Cunningham) and a signed copy of my own Pocket Guide to the Bible.

Here's the Mad Lib sentence, with a little context to help you out:

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The practice of praying in my head -- of lining up stray thoughts to present them to God in an official, well-reasoned and coherent manner -- is like (verb ending in -ing) (plural noun) with a (noun) on a/an (place) (noun).

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Sample entry #1: ...is like plucking eyebrows with a cherrypicker on a restroom countertop.

Sample entry #2: ...is like hammering nails with a screwdriver on a Texas highway.

To be clear, I'm not judging based on how close you come to my original sentence, which I'm sure won't be nearly as entertaining as these submissions. Nor am I judging by whether or not your entry makes sense, or matches the context, or helps me overcome my prayer challenges, or anything else. I'm only judging by creativity.

Because creativity is good. And good writing is good. Especially when you're writing about the difficulties of prayer.

Have fun. Entries will be closed at 9 am tomorrow (Tuesday, Feb. 23).