Video Q&A: Part 2

I recorded this on Thursday morning, but never got it posted due to a last-minute article assignment from the Daily Beast, which I researched/interviewed/wrote on Thursday and which posted Friday. It's currently the most emailed article at the Beast. More on it (possibly) later.

Anyway, here's another 5 minutes answering your questions. Contributors include Lauren, Nathan Reimer, Jen, and Jamie. There are still more questions from the original list that I haven't answered. Hopefully I'll get to those later this week.

Video Q&A: Part 1

As promised yesterday, here is my video response to a few of your questions. Too many good questions to answer in a single, not-very-long post (I'm trying to stay below 5 minutes). So if I didn't get to your question, I eventually will. Anyway, thanks to all of you who asked questions.

Enjoy the video. Also enjoy the catchy music.

Something New: Video Q&A

We've done some question-and-answer things before on this blog when it comes to writing, and my books, and how my wife and I met. But I thought it might be fun to try it a new way: via video blogging.

So here's what I have in mind. Today you get to ask any questions you want -- about the new books, about my faith, about being a writer, about that suspicious-looking mole on the back of your neck -- and I'll answer them.

The rules for you: You have to ask the questions in the comments to this post. You may ask any question about any topic. It's all fair game, unless I decide I don't want to answer your question in a public forum. (So stop thinking of dirty questions.)

The rules for me: I must answer the question without editing the video. So no cuts or fancy stuff. Just my own stream-of-consciousness rambling, even if I totally mess up. If necessary, I can do several videos to keep these at a manageable (i.e. watchable) length.

Cool? OK, go. Ask away. And realize that, if no one asks any questions, the video of me just sitting there staring at the camera is going to be really boring. But don't think I won't do it. I will, and you'll be sorry.

Ads That Will Give You the Willies

Say what you will about the current age of advertising, what with all the celebrity sell-outs and general ickiness and our inability to get particular jingles out of our heads. But at least our ads aren't filled with utterly disturbing images that will haunt your very dreams tonight.

My guitar-ninjaing friend Trace thoughtfully introduced me to this list of 15 Creepy Vintage Ads and so I feel the need to share a few of them with you. If only so we can be disturbed together. You know how it's always better to watch a horror film in a packed-out theater rather than alone on your couch under a blanket? Think of this the same way.

Behold some creepy vintage ads:



Daddy? Where does sausage come from?
Well, honey, think of a happy pig.
Like Wilbur?
Yes, just like Wilbur from Charlotte's Web, but holding a really sharp sword with his hoof.
How can he hold a sword with a hoof?
That doesn't matter. What matters is that the pig is using the sword to divide himself into these little piggy slices by cutting through his stomach, kind of like Mommy does when she cuts up a cucumber, only instead of cucumber slices it's a bloody stack of pig pieces. Apparently that's how you got sausage back in the old days. Now...who's ready for breakfast?



Nothing says "peace on Earth, goodwill to men" like a square dad, a happy mom, and a family of three boys inspecting their new weaponry. A few months later, the same family celebrated Easter with a cage match between little Johnny and middle-child Pete.




A scene from a Hathaway dress shirt photo shoot:

Creative Director: This shot isn't working. We've got a handsome man in a dress shirt. That's not interesting. How can we make this interesting?

Assistant Creative Director: What if we replaced the conference room background with, I don't know, a cage at the zoo?

Creative Director: I love it! And instead of a cup of coffee, he can be holding a baby tiger!

(Silence.)

Prop Guy: Um...I'm not sure I can find a baby tiger on such short notice. Let me make some calls.

(A pirate appears.)

Pirate: Arrrgh, ye mateys. Avast! Shiver me timbers! Fo'c's'le, etc.

Creative Director (to Prop Guy): While you're asking about the tiger, go ahead and order me up an eyepatch, too. What we need is a handsome man, with an eyepatch, at the zoo, holding a baby tiger. If that doesn't sell stripey dress shirts, then I'm a sword-wielding pig!





I don't know about you, but if I'm ever at a beach, at night, in the vicinity of a toddler who just got crushed by a giant teacup that fell from the sky during some kind of fantastic rainstorm...well, I'm going to ask for Pears' Soap.




My understanding of the French language is limited, but according to the French-English dictionary I just visited, Chocolat Poulain is French for "giant terrifying clown." And goutez et comparez is French for "drinking your blood from a teacup, the same teacup which he might drop on your toddler at the beach, at night."

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Sweet dreams, everyone. More of these at Retro Comedy.

Pocket Guide Press Sheets

Ten years ago, I got my start in the advertising and design industries when I started working for a local printer, Amarillo's biggest. They had a boutique little design/marketing studio for their customers, and I was hired to work in that department as a copywriter and art director.

I've spent a lot of time around presses and press rooms, and have inspected a lot of press sheets in my day. Press sheets are the large, uncut sheets of printed materials, like brochures, flyers, newsletters and -- yep -- book covers. I think press sheets are pretty cool, as they always contain weird little registration marks and file names and color bars and stuff.

So with the publication of Pocket Guide to the Bible (the first time), I decided to ask the printer for an uncut press sheet of the covers. Relevant Books was kind enough to provide one for me. I made the same request for the latest books -- I think it makes for a unique collection -- and the team at Jossey-Bass made it happen.

I got my Pocket Guide press sheets in the mail yesterday, and the covers look great. Thought I'd share them with you.

Here are the cover press sheets for Pocket Guide to Sainthood and the updated Pocket Guide to the Bible, on the same sheet:



...and here's Pocket Guide to the Afterlife:



I love these covers. Nice bright colors on the back, elegant black spines, clean typography, and the back cover copy! So witty! So informative!

(Yes...I wrote it.)

Anyway, great job, Jossey-Bassers. Can't wait to see the finished product.

Things I Have Too Many Of

It occurred to me this morning, while brushing my teeth, that while many people suffer from "not enough," I am fortunate to suffer from "too many." Complaining about having too much of something reminds me of something Matthew Perry's Chandler once said, sarcastically, on an episode of Friends. "My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

Right. Don't complain about blessings.

So instead of complaining, I'm going to list the things I have too many of.

I have too many shoes. Two pairs of running shoes. Two pairs of regular tennis shoes. Two pairs of slip-on casual shoes (black and brown). Two pairs of flip-flops (black and greenish). Blue Chuck Taylors. Two pairs of nicer slip-on shoes (yes...black and brown). Work boots. Snow boots. Trail runners for hiking. My sweet-looking klash from Iraq. And probably some other shoes I'm forgetting about which I haven't worn in months. (When I look at all my shoes, it helps me remember that lots of kids don't have shoes.)

I have too many blog posts making fun of famed Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards. Three posts is far too many. Two posts, though, is exactly right.

I have too many questions about God. It's good to have questions, I think, but not so good when your faith is overwhelmed by those questions. How do I turn off my brain?

I have too many ideas for novels, but too few ideas that go beyond the what-if-this-happened initial concept. If I could only flesh them out into a real plot...

I have too many weeds in my front yard. Also my alley.

I have too many thoughts along these lines: Who ever determined that certain plants were weeds and not legitimate plants? What kind of random subjective value judgment is that, anyway? Who are you, gardening expert, to tell me that my garden should have certain kinds of desirable plants (tomatoes) and not have certain less desirable plants (soapweed)?

I have too many disappearing tattoos. At my count: one. I got it in 1995, on my ankle -- black ink -- and it has pretty much completely faded away at this point. Aren't tattoos supposed to be, you know, forever?

I have too many copies of Pocket Guide to the Bible remaining in my warehouse. The first edition of PGTTB, published by Relevant Books. Waaaaay too many of those babies. Anyone interested in buying a thousand of them? I'll sell them cheap.

I have too many toes on my left foot. Not really. Just making sure you're still paying attention.

I have too many people in my life named Jason. Not sure what happened in the mid-1970s, but you parents kinda dropped the ball in terms of son-naming creativity. Girls born since 2006 named Bella? I feel your pain.

I have too many things to be working on instead of this blog post.

I have too many flies in my flybox. Realized that while camping last weekend. I probably own two dozen different types of flies. But I use two of them almost all the time: Orange Stimulator and a Prince Bead-Head Nymph.

I have too many blog readers who have absolutely no idea what I just said. Orange what?

I have too many books on my reading list, including The Road and Outliers. Why have I not read these yet?

I have too many movies I have not yet watched. To give you an idea how behind I am when it comes to popular culture, I just watched Iron Man last night. For the first time.

I have too many phone books on my desk. There are three. I don't use any of them. When was the last time you used an actual phone book anyway? At least, for something other than a door stop?

I have too many items in this list of "too many," so I'll end it here. Your turn. What do you have too many of? (Hint: "IQ points" is not an appropriate answer.)

Help a Brother Out

It's July, one month before my three new Pocket Guide books release. If you're getting tired of me saying "Pocket Guide," then I have some bad news for you. Over the next couple of months, I'm going to be talking about them a lot. Because that's my job. And this is my blog. And who are you to try and stop me?

(Yes, Mom, I'm talking to you. And also to you, Little Evelyn Talbert. And probably to you, too, new reader Ann. You're the one who commented just yesterday how much you appreciated that I wasn't just using my blog to hawking my own goods while providing links for people to go buy them. So now I'm feeling guilty because that's exactly what I'm doing with this very post...only one day after you praised me for not doing that. Sigh. Please don't leave.)

Anyway, the official release date for the books is August 3. That's a great day to go buy the books at Barnes & Noble (where I hear they'll be available via an out-front promotion), or Borders, or wherever fine pocket-sized books are sold. But I know some of you are good friends of this blog, or you've read and enjoyed my other Pocket Guide books, or you're just generally kind people who have approximately $10 to spare. If that's you, then I have a favor to ask, and it's something you can do right now. No waiting.

It's this: Go to Amazon.com right now and pre-order the books. Amazon is a pretty influential bookseller, as you might know, and sales there are a big influence on the rest of the market. For new, unproven books, they tend to order small quantities at a time. But if pre-orders for a certain title are higher than expected, then this will often mean a significant jump in what Amazon keeps in stock.

And if Amazon starts ordering a bunch, the other stores may follow suit. Exceed expectations at Amazon, and good things can happen.

So if you've been waiting for my books to come out, why not go ahead and pre-order yours today? You'll still get them a month from now, but you'll help me out a lot more than if you waited until the release date. And if you order all three new books -- Pocket Guide to the Afterlife ($9.52), Pocket Guide to Sainthood ($10.36), and Pocket Guide to the Bible ($10.36) -- then you'll probably be eligible for Free Super-Saver Shipping. Woohoo!

(No, I don't know why Afterlife is cheaper. Maybe because they expect it to be more popular? And be advised the the cover art Amazon shows for Sainthood and Afterlife is not accurate. They're using an old version. No idea when this will be fixed. Who knows the mysterious ways of the world's largest book retailer? Not me. Possibly Jeff Bezos?)

If you decide to pre-order any one of these books, let me know in the comments. I can't enter you in a raffle or giveaway or anything, because I hear that's illegal in some states, the equivalent of a lottery or something dubious. But I can give you my undying appreciation, and I'll promise to publicly express my gratitude to you in a forthcoming post. I'll even link to your blog, if you want.

("Wow," you are probably thinking. "You really go all out for us humble blog readers. A real, live hyperlink and a written expression of thankfulness? What a swell guy!")

Meanwhile, I am thinking: You're kind of mean, you know that?

Anyhow, I'd appreciate the pre-orders, if you can swing it. Thanks for reading my books, for reading this blog, for interacting via the comments and contributing to the goofy contests. You are some good people.

Thank you.

Big List of Recommendations

You were probably thinking, What are Jason's views on a variety of unrelated subjects? Good news: You've come to the right place. Here are a few of my current recommendations, in no particular order.

Things I Recommend

Scott Orr's new album, Ghost Party, is excellent. If you like singer/songwriter types with a sorta countrified flair -- like Whiskeytown-era Ryan Adams before he got all glam and New Yorkey -- then I recommend Scott Orr to you. Plus: he's Canadian!

I recommend ending a sentence with "Plus: he's Canadian!" at least twice a week. If only to confront your xenophobia head-on.

If you can knit your own socks, I recommend doing so. Just because I've always wanted to be playing, say, a game of Twister, and the person next to me saying, "Dude, nice socks," and replying to him, "Thanks. I knitted them myself."

I recommend the barbacoa burrito at Sharkey's in Amarillo. Sweet salty meats! that is some good stuff.

I recommend "sweet salty meats" of all types, particularly the hickory-smoked variety, unless you have high blood pressure. You should have lean chicken.

I recommend vegetarians ignore the two recommendations above.

This is a good 6-minute video by Matthew Paul Turner, about questioning God. I recommend watching it.

I recommend you wear a shirt, overweight sunburned man at the swimming pool. I also recommend you have that mole checked out by a dermatologist.

I recommend Bryan Allain's blog and Twitter feed, because they are consistently funny. Dude can write a one-liner. Dude also lives among a bunch of Amish folk.

I recommend not beginning too many sentences with "Dude." Unless you are Keanu Reeves and this is your hook.

"Burn Notice" is one of my favorite summer television series. I recommend watching it, and pretending that Michael Weston is the overachieving but morally ambivalent son of MacGyver.

I recommend you not send me a text message, as it costs me $.20. A dime to receive it, and another dime to text you back to tell you to "stp txtng me, jrk." But I'm sorta behind the times when it comes to mobile phones.

I recommend you stop making fun of my phone difficiencies, iPhone snobs.

I recommend pre-ordering my new books, if you want to play an important role in my Pocket Guide World Domination Scheme (patent pending).

I recommend you contribute to this list by making your own recommendations in the comments.

Interview with a Writer (Me)

I just finished up answering some questions for a publication that will be featuring one of my articles this fall. It's one of those "contributor profile" kinds of things where they ask a whole bunch of questions and then pick out some of the quirky stuff in your answers to give you a little context for whatever article you've written.

That kind of thing.

I like to multitask, so it occurred to me that my answers to those questions would make a good blog post. Also, I'm a narcissist. (All bloggers are, to a degree.) And so I just assume you readers want to read my answers to these interview questions, right? Of course you do.

So here they are:

What's the best piece of advice someone has ever given you?

It's actually a bit of design advice (I'm also a professional graphic designer): "White space is always good." The more white space in a design, the more attention is given to the important stuff. That's good design advice, but also good life advice. Margins are good. By making sure I have enough "empty time" in my life, I keep sight of what's important.

Tell our readers three things they don't know about you.

1. I can play the hammered dulcimer (like Rich Mullins...but not as well as Rich Mullins).

2. I am the drummer for the worship team at my church.

3. And the first book I ever wrote was a suspense novel, about a shepherd. (It never got published.)

When did you know you wanted to be come a writer? When and where was your first article published?

I knew I was naturally talented at writing in high school, when I always excelled in any creative writing assignment or essay. I didn't decide I wanted to be a Writer (capital W!) until college. My first published article, I think, was for a Southern Baptist magazine called Student.

Who is the most influential person in your life?

My wife, Aimee. She gets to influence pretty much every decision I make.

Do you have any quirky rituals when you write?

I can't listen to music while I write. It's too distracting. I wish I could be the type of writer who puts in my earbuds and cranks up something cool to listen to while I churn out words, but I'm not.

What inspires you the most?

As a writer? As unromantic as this sounds, as a writer I am inspired by the idea of financial independence and freedom. My goal has long been to be successful enough in this pursuit to do it full-time, while also supporting my family. I'm not there yet.

As a human, I am inspired by the common mercy of helping improve the lives of others. I love charitable organizations that take a creative approach to meeting peoples' needs, whether it's poverty in the U.S. or clean water in Africa. Helping the helpless is so central to the Gospel, it always thrills me to discover a new way to do it.

What are your hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time? movies, books, etc? If you could have any job in the world what would it be?

Since it's not yet my full-time occupation, I guess writing is a hobby. I'm also a distance swimmer and sprint triathlete. I like to backpack, camp, and flyfish.

If I could have any job in the world? It would be as a full-time novelist.

What goal do you hope to accomplish in the next five years?

Publish my first novel. Only I have no idea what it will be about, so I had better start thinking...

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As a narcissist, I'm open to answer any other writing-related (or, well, completely random) questions you might have. Ask in the comments. I'll try to answer.

Winner: Name Your Own Toy-Based Movie

Thanks to all of you who entered yesterday's Slate-inspired contest. Lots of great entries and, well, a few ruined childhood memories.

Here are my the honorable mentions, which don't win anything but which I liked anyway and wanted to acknowledge.

• Hungry Hungry Hippos: Fleshfeast
I doubt I'll ever enjoy chomping marbles in this game again. Thanks for THAT, Matt. Horrifying.

• Hula Hoop the Movie: Curse of the Devil's Ring
Funny, evocative title. Sounds scary, but also sounds like a religious movie. So I doubt it would be a very good film for that reason. But anyway, nice title. Good job, T-Bone.

• Tinker Toys: Round Peg, Round Hole, and the Rise of Mephisto
The title is too long, Bryan, and when I first read it I thought you might be headed to Smutville. But I was thrilled that you connected Tinker Toys and "the Rise of Mephisto" in a title. A fun surprise.

• The Teddy Ruxpin Story: A Thug's Life
Another surprising connection. I immediately pictured a cut, shirtless Teddy Ruxpin with a Tupac-style stomach tattoo. Thus destroying my last vestige of childhood innocence. Thank you, Nick.

• MAD LIBS: the MOVIE
This one gets mentioned for its creative tagline:
The (adjective) (noun) (body part) movie of all time! (exclamation)

If this were a fake tagline contest, Dan, you would have won.

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But the winning submission was able to both surprise and entertain while remaining a believable movie title. It's brief (only four words!), explanatory, and funny. That it also evoked a real movie was a bonus. Also it's weird, which earns extra points around these parts.

Congratulations, Chase. You win for:

Chia: An Inconvenient Pet

Nice job. Hit me up with your shipping address and book request and I'll get something shipped out to you.

Thanks everyone for participating. Now you should go submit your entries to Slate.

Name Your Own Toy-Based Summer Movie

Admission: I am stealing this directly from Slate. But do I care? No. Do you care? Probably not. So here goes:

The summer blockbuster film, opening this weekend, is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It is the sequel to the first movie, which itself was based on a line of toys. Which sounds pretty lame, idea-wise, if you ask me. Which is also probably why they cast Megan Fox in it.

But I know you people. You can be a whole lot lamer than that. So here's the contest idea: Come up with your own movie title based on a toy. Tomorrow at noon Central I will pick my favorite entry and you get a free signed book from the Jason Boyett library. ANY Jason Boyett book, except for Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse because I am out of my personal stock of those titles right now. (Sorry.)

You can submit as many times as you want, but each submission must be a separate comment to this post. Because that makes it easier for me to collect them.

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Here are some of my own ideas to help you get started:

• Wooden Blocks: Revenge of the Rogue Splinter

• Strawberry Shortcake: Street Justice, Part 2

• Thundercats: Mumm-Ra Returns

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Ready? Go!

Lookin' Good for Jesus

Some days I enter into my local Christian bookstore/knick-knackery, and--looking over the vast shelves of Purpose-Driven products, Beth Moore Bible studies, Veggie Tales merchandise, Precious Moments figurines, dumb Christian parody t-shirts, inspirational artwork and home decor, and books about the End Times--I think to myself: the Christian subculture just doesn't quite have enough consumer items.

Something is missing, I ponder. Something like...Christian cosmetics!

Which is why, to me, the Christian bookstore always smells a little like despair. It's not the candles. It's the lack of Jesus-based grooming products.

Imagine my delight, then, when I discovered this wonderful line of cosmetics, courtesy of my cousin-in-law Lance and his link to Michael Kelley Ministries' site. Behold! A life-affirming brand of Jesus-glorifying toiletries!

That's right: Lookin' Good for Jesus brand bath and cosmetic items.

I've never seen them on shelves, but apparently these products are sold in various retail outlets by an American makeup company called Blue Q, which seems to specialize in snarky and irreverent stuff. (I haven't heard of any reaction to them in the U.S., though the Jesus cosmetic brand been met with some controversy among local Catholics in Singapore.)

Anyway, encouraging users to "Get Tight with Christ," Lookin' Good for Jesus products include...

Lookin' Good for Jesus Bubble Bath:


(Product description: Take the plunge with a soak in everlasting Citrus and Juniper suds that make you feel like you're walking on water.)

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Lookin' Good for Jesus Sparkle Cream:


(Product description: Now, easier to be redeemed in his eyes with a handy travel size 2 oz. tube!)

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Lookin' Good for Jesus Lip Balm:


(Product description: Returns lips to near virgin quality.)

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Lookin' Good for Jesus Mini Kit:


(Product description: Redeems you in his eyes and takes the edge off sinning.)

The mini-kit contains vanilla nectar lip balm, Easter-Lily hand & body cream (with sparkle!) and a folding mirror compact. Also a mirrored Jesus statuette.

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I'm sure you can find these products in boutique stores in the U.S., though I haven't exactly been on the lookout for them. If you want, you can certainly order them from the Blue Q website.

Now, for the reaction: I'm sure there are Christians who will find these products offensive. After all, hotsy blondes making come-hither eyes to a handsome Son of God isn't the kind of thing you see in stained-glass church windows, even the ones depicting Mary Magdalene. It's a bit irreverent.

Why? Because it uses Jesus as a blatant, right-out-in-front pitchman. And using Jesus as a brand...why, that's just wrong.

Real Christians know better than to demean the Christ by attaching him to common consumer items. Wait--no. You're bringing up Christian bookstore stuff? Like frames, posters, greeting cards, books, music, stuffed toys, coloring books, jewelry, conferences, artwork, clothing, breath-fresheners? No. Stop that, right this instant. See, that's where you're wrong. Sure, maybe we have attached Christ to those things, too, but there's a difference. WE do it more subtly.

And that makes it OK. Because we know that Jesus sells. Everyone knows that. We just know better than to put a goofy picture of Jesus front-and-center on the product (except on, um, t-shirts). We'd rather hide Jesus in a Bible verse, or a little fish symbol, or by securing placement in a Christian bookstore.

Our Jesus junk is subtle, and we figure God's OK with that, because look at the profit margin!

But when you stoop to overt, ironic uses of Jesus to sell stuff...well, that's offensive. Am I right, people?

Can I get a witness? Amen? Anyone?

Three Things for Monday

I'm pulling together a post for tomorrow that I think you'll enjoy. In the meantime, here are three not-at-all-related things to catch you up on:

1. The Daily Beast: If you keep up with my Twitter feed, you would have learned that, last Friday, I had an article in The Daily Beast, Tina Brown's new(ish) online magazine/news-aggregator. The article is called "The Gospel According to Speidi" and is a look at the faith and shenanigans of professional celebrities Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Do they really love Jesus as much as they say? Will Christians embrace them at all? What do Christians make of Heidi's posing for Playboy? Fun questions. Professional Christian celebrity Stephen Baldwin gets a shout-out, too.

From the article:

But the couple’s awkward public embrace of religion has left some true believers flummoxed. The pro-Christian message that Speidi is espousing becomes garbled when blended with TV’s need for sensation and sleaze. Then again, in an era where the church could use a PR boost, Montag and Pratt are providing Christianity the type of pop-culture credibility that could wrangle new followers. Whether this tradeoff is worth it depends on who you ask.

The Daily Beast is hoping to add more religious content, so hopefully you'll be seeing more of my stuff there in the coming months. If you haven't read the article, click on over. More visitors = more religious content at the Beast = more work for me.

2. First Triathlon of the Year: On Saturday, I participated in the first of three sprint triathlons I'm aiming for this year. Only it didn't end up being an actual triathlon. Due to heavy rain before (and during) the event, the bike portion was canceled. So it was a duathlon. Swim 400 meters, then run a 5K. Not quite as challenging, but the fact that all of us contestants were standing, shivering in our swimsuits, in 60-degree weather and constant rain for 45 minutes prior to the start of the competition...well, you might as well have added a third event: The 45-Minute Shiver. Seriously, it works a lot of muscles. On Sunday, I was much more sore from shivering than from running or swimming.

I wasn't super happy with my swim time -- it took most of the 400 meters to get loosened up -- but my 5K time (23:17) was respectable. At least for me.

Here's photo of me swimming outdoors in the rain, taken by my friend James. Check out my funky mouth. It looks like there's an invisible hook in my bottom lip and I'm about to be reeled in from behind:



3. Pocket Guide to the Bible Review: I don't typically post every blog review of my books here -- seems a little braggy to me (probably because, well, it is) -- but this one was just uploaded today and it captures pretty well the flavor of Pocket Guide to the Bible. It's by Kris Bather, an Australian who blogs at ComicBookJesus. He writes, "Boyett is a guy after my own heart. He speaks to the iPod, broadband, gaming culture with plenty of Gen X and Y references and an approach that’s refreshing without ever resorting to mockery" -- which is pretty much exactly what I try to do with the Pocket Guide series.

So I love the review. Thanks, Kris.

Random Phrases from the Pocket Guides (2)

A couple of weeks ago, I asked: What if I picked a random chapter from one of my upcoming Pocket Guide books, and then listed random phrases from that chapter, completely out of context?

That was fun. At least for me. So let's do it again.

These are from the 4th chapter of Pocket Guide to the Afterlife. It's called called "Geography of the Beyond: Where You Might Go," and it introduces possible post-death destinations from a variety of religious traditions. It also contains some very weird phrases. Unnervingly weird. Who can I blame for this? Probably Ahmadinejad. Or the Knights Templar.

So here are a few of my favorite random phrases, lifted entirely out of context. To find out what they mean or what they're referring to...well, you'll have to read the book. Pre-order yours now at Amazon.

22 Random Phrases from Pocket Guide to the Afterlife (Chapter 4):

Who will feed my cats?

pursued by a demon with hippo legs

Megatron or Kevin

no intersexual mingling

the shriveled hag could take you

sawed in half

the torso of a grizzly bear

it sucks being poor and dead

poisonous slobber

naked black-skinned queen of darkness

Good job, Islam

nookie-having strength of a hundred men

popular luau game

crying pooping screaming babies

little nightmare munchkins

your transformation into a worm

corpse-sucking dragon

Yama's four-eyed devil dogs

a really loooong, uncomfortable episode of “Biggest Loser”

adulterers, blasphemers, and reality show applicants

breast-shaped fruit, and all the not-yet-weaned children

get sloppy drunk on mead

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Well, now. I can't imagine what kinds of Google searches will end up finding their way to this post thanks to those phrases. I imagine whoever shows up in a search for "naked black-skinned queen of darkness" content will be profoundly disappointed.

In advance: I'm sorry, creepy Googler.

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Contest! The first person to guess, accurately, which eternal destination I'm discussing when I use the phrase "Megatron or Kevin" gets a free signed copy of Pocket Guide to the Bible. Leave your guess in the comments. When/if anyone gets it right, I'll post the full sentence.

Magic + Drama + Irony + Europe

My brother Brooks is a full-time inner-city minister, but he also has a side gig: magic. As in illusions and prestidigitation and card tricks and all that fun stuff. The kids he works with really get into it, but he's a pretty impressive performer among adults, too.

So I thought I'd share a video of one of his recent performances in front of a church group. Here, he takes all the simple tricks he does for children and performs them in an overly dramatic montage, David Copperfield-style, complete with pulse-pounding musical accompaniment. That's right: "The Final Countdown," by Europe. It's street magic plus on-stage irony.

The lighting, video, and audio aren't the best quality, but they'll give you the idea. Enjoy.



And if you want to book Brooks for a gig at your church, school, or living room, he's available. With musical accompaniment. Get in touch with him here, or hit me up and I can connect you.